Day 118: An Environmental Change

I woke up this morning and it felt as though a haze had lifted from my eyes and though I had slept better than I ever had. I didn't think I would be writing my blog before next week, so consider this entry a lucky entry. Here we are, Jeff and I, in Baneberry, Tennessee...a little town that consists of a golf course with a bar and grill and a set of mailboxes and one police officer who will give you a $100 ticket if your drive through the parking lot to short cut the corner. (No...we didn't do it...we just heard about it from some locals.) The most amazing thing is that this is what I believe people mean when they talk about "God's country."

Instantly as we drove yesterday into the state of Tennessee we felt a connection with the state and the people. We felt at home immediately and the southern hospitality was like none other. There was something in the air...something that felt right. Something that felt like we were home. Why? No idea. Maybe it was because of the stress we left behind in Indiana. But maybe its because we have finally found where we truly want to be.

Sometimes environmental change can make us into better people. Think of it this way...the oil spill in the gulf is impacting the environment which impacts physically the life of the wild life and nature around it. When the environment is negative then the impact to the surroundings is negative. The same then is with us as humans in our environment. Could the reason for the physical wearing down of us and our health, etc., be because of our environment at home in South Bend, IN? The pollution, the natural sarcasticness of the "Hoosier hospitality," or even the lack of a future employment market and a slumping housing market?

Where is our life headed? What do we see our future looking like? Do we stay in South Bend for the sake of others or do we start to live our lives? We have alot to ask ourselves. We have pros and cons to discuss but maybe, just maybe, we have found our future here in the state of Tennessee. This is something we have to pray about. This is something we have to look at and really decide on. Never have we felt like this before about anywhere we went. Pray for us. It won't be tomorrow or next week that we move down here. But maybe, just maybe at some point here, we will be here.

Days 110 thru 114: An update

I had every intention to write...I truly did. But because of a couple reasons I didn't get anything on here. The first reason was impacted because of the second. Firstly, I decided to procrastinate a little bit on Friday. I had hoped to write this blog early that morning but a few situations at home had me scrambling to get to work. Then all hell broke loose! A family emergency hit and soon all time had gone for the day. As the weekend came and went, so did my energy and ability to just take enough time to stop and think. Now...as this week will progress I will be traveling in the early morning hours for work, will be traveling on vacation, and then eventually in a little over a week I will be having surgery. So...what to do?

For the next week I plan on taking a break from the blog. I need time to break away from it. Will it start back up again? Hopefully...only time will tell. It's not that I don't want to write the blog or that I don't want to improve my life. Rather, I need to focus on it more and less worry about what I am going to write and how I will write it and whether I am saying the right things. So, for the next week I am going to take a break on the blog. My intentions are to begin writing again next Wednesday, May 26th. Maybe I will do it sooner, but if not, my goal is next week. I need a vacation. I need to not have to think or work hard at anything other than enjoying my life and the moment.

Thank you for all that you all have done. For reading my blog. Check back in a week and maybe I will be back. Until them, have a great week.

Day 109: Live more simply

As my father-in-law and their neighbor have been working on our kitchen, tearing up the floor and putting down tile to improve the look of our kitchen, we have been forced to eat off paper plates and out in our living room. Having lost our grill due to it shooting fire out at my husband like a dragon, we can't even attempt to cook outside. (Plus it has rained nearly every day). Unfortunately we can't afford to go out to eat every day either. So what are our options? Cold lunch meat sandwiches for supper. For some this may not seem so dramatic. For us its been a lesson in learning to live more simply.

Recently I read an article in a magazine where the couple, who had lost their 4,000 square foot home to a fire rebuilt their home using just two shed from their back yard. Instead of the home being 4000 square feet they brought it down to 925 square feet...barely a kitchen and a bedroom and bathroom existed. What they spoke about was learning to live simply.

Why should we learn to live more simply? It's not because of times like this where we are forced to move into smaller spaces or for when we are doing renovations. And its not so that I don't have to keep cleaning up things. Rather, having so many things in our life tend to clutter up our lives and re-prioritize our thinking and even what we find important. What use is it having so much stuff? Some may say that it is so they can keep up with the Joneses. (Who are these supposedly elusive Joneses anyway? They don't live on my street. Most of the Joneses I know live in the projects next to my street. Why would I want to live that poor?) Some may say that it gives them happiness. Isn't what you have and don't have the bone of contention of arguments in a marriage?

So many people think that having things may make them happy. This happiness is a temporary thing. Think about it...you go our and buy a new thing...a video game console, a sound system, puzzles, books, anything. You are so excited about it that you tell everyone about it or you spend the next two weeks using the item until you've actually grown tired of it. The next thing you know it sits and gathers dust. Sure on occasion you actually pull it out or look at it and then it gets put on the shelf once again. Are these things that we really need in our lives?

Yesterday I started cleaning things out of different areas of our home. I looked at these things and realized I really didn't need these things. I looked at them and thought...."hmmm...if I had only thought about the fact that I wouldn't really need these things two weeks after I bought them maybe I wouldn't have gotten them." It's nice to want. It's nice to be able to share with others in your life the bragging stories that come along with owning things. But it is worth it? Do people love you any more just because you have an expensive car or alot of things? No. Is popularity all that important? For some, yes. For the former nerd/athlete like myself? No.

I'm nearing 40 and every year that I get closer to that means dropping my high school mentality of trying to fit in with the popular crowd. So what's more important in your life? Having? Being? Or is it just living simply? Think about it. I gotta go....I have more decluttering to do.

Days 106, 107 and 108: Confidence is high!

Back in high school when my western civilization teacher was asked if we were going to have a test or a quiz that week or if the upcoming test was going to be a difficult one he use to respond by exclaiming, "Confidence is high!" It would be much easier and prepare us much more if we had someone in life to prepare us in this way as we ventured into adulthood as well. But what did that mean when that teacher would say "Confidence is high?" While it prepared us to know there was a test or quiz coming up, it also helped us to become more confident in what we knew as we studied the information that we needed for that test or quiz.

When I crawl out of bed in the morning the hardest thing to say let alone think is "confidence is high!" I wake up grumpy that I even have to get out of bed! However, we really do need to start off our morning with that saying. Why? Because it reminds us that we can make it through the day. It reminds us that we can accomplish things. It reminds us to believe in ourselves.

Recently, someone in my life has been dealing with a confidence issue. Last night I found myself talking to them about believing in themselves while not losing their sense of who they are. As we try to build confidence ourselves we have to make sure that we aren't losing a sense of who we are and try to be someone we are not. A typically shy person shouldn't just try to be more extroverted as they may look at how they can be more extroverted and start saying things just to say things in conversation that are hurtful to others or that shouldn't be talked about. A person with fears shouldn't just "go for it" and attack all their fears hoping to "get over it." When people in these areas try to "have confidence," when they fail, they fall big time. It shatters their confidence even more and it keeps them from moving forward in the future.

As I spoke to this person last night and they recounted how they were trying to be more confident in themselves I saw myself in them in a way. I realized what I had gone through to get me to where I was. While I am not the most confident person in the world, I worked at it. I didn't always write like this....I actually came close to failing my creative writing class in college. But I didn't have confidence at the time in myself. What I did was study. I studied my life. I studied other people and how they wrote. And I began to believe in myself. Confidence is the key to starting the vehicle of our life that takes us places. Belief and study are what gives us the key.

Today I will be working at my own confidence and how I get there. Sometimes I don't believe in myself and that is an area I have to work on. In my own career I am a supervisor. I need to start being that and having confidence that when I make a decision under that title at work that I need to stick with it and have confidence in it. So...for these last 3 days, that's where I am at. Confidence is high!

Day 104 & 105: Looking back

As I looked at these days and realized that I had already made it over 105 days I was astonished. First, I had thought it would be alot easier to come up with a task each day. Boy was I wrong. I'm sure some of you wouldn't be surprised at how many times I had wanted to back out of this! Secondly, I realized that I only had 260 days left to write this. 260 Days left....oh boy! I barely made it these last 105 days, how am I going to do another 260 days.

Then I realized that it's not important to look back but rather to look forward. It's important to keep voyaging forward. Our past is important to remember but as I thought about writing this I realized that you can't go backwards and grow. Rather..it takes walking forward. You can't return to where you've been and expect it to be the same. No...you have to realize that life changes, we change, and our environments change.

As I write these blogs entries daily I look back at the past blogs and you know what happens? It messes me up. I think about what everyone reading this would say. What if I duplicated a task? What it I say something wrong and contradict something that I have said or did before? I thought more about it and the thought that came to mind was that it was okay. I may revisit past tasks and the reason is that maybe I haven't mastered those tasks.

The only looking back today I planned on doing was looking back at all that my mother has done for me throughout the last 37 years. Mom...I don't know that you read this, but Happy Mother's Day.

Day 103: Stormy clouds

This morning I awoke to the sound of two barking dogs. Two dogs barking at the sound of thunder as a stormy day rolled in. As I trudged out of bed and heard the sound of the rain beating on the concrete outside one of the open windows in our house I instantly thought that I'd like to head back to bed. Almost like clockwork, the naturally calm and collective Melissa person became the incredible hulk! If you think about it, what it the one thing that the incredible hulk posses most? A lack of patience! Why else does he get so angry? He tends to just push his way through life. When was the last time you noticed that big green super "un"hero wait at a stop light in the movies? I mean...the dude is totally inpatient!

For some reason the dark clouds and the storms rolling in always get my patience on end. My perception of how people are driving or other people's choices get on my nerves. Every argument I could have with people I don't like comes to mind and I threaten to actually yell at someone.

How do I avoid doing this in the future? That is what I need to learn today. Otherwise a co-worker may just get a piece of my mind today or a driver in front of me might get the finger. (Trust me...it's been a while since I flipped anyone off but it has happened.) Today I will remember to step back from the situations and work on becoming patient. I will count to ten before yelling today. There's already enough thunder and lightening outside...I don't need to create any more in here than I have to. Wish me luck!

Day 102: Being proud of yourself

So often I have a hard time giving myself credit for what I accomplish. Even worse is when someone compliments me. I tend to cower down. While I was in the convent it was made known to me that I tend to negate myself when I am complimented. If I was complimented I would respond, "yeah but...." usually followed with a negative comment about myself. At the time I thought I was being humble. It took one of the Sisters to look at me straight in the eye with all seriousness to say that "yeah buts are those fuzzy little creatures that hop along the forest and eat our flowers out front" and that I needed to accept positivity from others.

With that statement I started to watch what I'd say. But soon I realized that I'd do it to myself even when was just thinking. We need to stop doing that to ourselves. It becomes a self destruction method if we don't change the pattern of our thinking when we do this.

For Day 102 this is an area I will work on.

Day 101: Decision making (Thought I had posted...sorry)

This morning I woke after a less than great night of sleep to an email from a couple who we had been talking to about embryo adoption. Embryo Adoption is when a couple who has frozen embryos available that they can donate them to you in order to achieve having a child. Of course the child would not be ours genetically but we would in all intents and purposes be the parents of that child. I would carry the child(ren). I would birth them. This couple had been considering over 30 different couples and here we were in the final four. We had gotten through tons of hurdles. We would finally find out if we had the embryos within a few days. Our dreams could really become a reality. And then we weren't so sure.

Decision making when there are as many factors being in play as this had was difficult. We had to do alot of weighing the pros and the cons and make a decision. What if they picked us? What if they didn't? What did God really want us doing? A wrench was thrown into the spokes of the infertility wheel when we found out about a clinic and an infertility program that was approved by the Catholic Church and actually had a 65% success rate with its different methods in working with women with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) like I have. And now there was the surgery on my leg I would be having at the end of this month and crown for a tooth that Jeff broke. Finally, there was just not a complete agreement between he and I.

Fights broke out between us. I was mad at him. He was mad at me. Petty things got in the way of communications between us. Then I realized that a big part of it was because of me. I began to realize I wanted a child so much that I would go to any means I could. The reason for this was because every other option seemed to dwindle in front of me. I couldn't imagine my life without having children of my own. And I realized to that I was making it a "me" thing. In other words, it was always about what I wanted and not what was the best for Jeff and I together. Was I doing this only so the end result would justify the means by which I was trying to have children? Was I ruining my relationship along the way? Was I objectifying my spouse?

When we make decisions there are two very important components we need to consider: 1. Is this the best thing for us? 2. Am I communicating my needs and desires to my spouse and being open to what they have to say? Today I am going to work on these two areas in my life.

It doesn't matter if the decision is about something of this nature or about something completely different. When you are married or in any type of relationship, our life is not solely about myself or yourself. It's about everyone on the journey. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a nation to support an adult.

Day 100: What a screw up....

So, day 100 of my blog came and went and I screwed up. I didn't blog a single thing. And by not doing it I almost gave it up for good. Why didn't I blog? Because I simply never got around to it and I forgot. Isn't that sad? I was so busy between work, a doctor's appointment and ripping our kitchen apart to "remodel" the floors, etc. that I sat up at 2 a.m. on Day 101 and I exclaimed, "I forgot to write my blog yesterday!" And you know what....its no big deal. (I've been so forgetful that today I spent 10 minutes looking for a tube of blood at work I had drawn and I began to panic because I couldn't remember where I had put it down, when I looked at my hand and realized I had been holding it like a pen in my hand the whole time!)

I screw up. I acknowledge that. I am not always right. I will accept that. I am human.

So...onward to better things. Day 100 was filled with alot of searching and answers. Alot of insite into what to look at here in the next several months. Alot will be happening. I will try to keep you updated. For now, be at peace and forgive me for forgetting about the blog. To err is human.

Day 99: Seperating business from pleasure

Sometimes I have a hard time taking to work problems from home and taking home problems from work. Worse yet, taking problems in my social circle into both realms!! I may not share one with the other but chaos in one always tends to flow over into chaos from the other. Emotionally I am affected. If I've had a bad day at home, I tend to seclude myself off at work and not want to deal with anyone. I am not my "happy, perky self" according to colleagues. At home I begin to bark at family.

So what do I do? Unfortunately there is no happy answer. The timer rule doesn't work it you are holding on to things. How do you transition from one area of your life to the other without carrying forward all the chaos from the one you just came from? I guess if I had all the answers to those types of questions then I could retire, write a book and make a ton of money.

Today I am going to be working on learning how now to not wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am going to work on separating out these various parts of my life. Not only will this task affect me, but it should affect positively others in my life from each of the areas.

Days 97 and 98: It's MY life

Do you know of people in your life who take control of the conversations at a party and cut in to what you are trying to say? How do you feel when you start talking about something and someone stars talking about something totally different and you never get to finish what you were saying or talking about. Have you ever felt like if you walked away from a room no one would really notice that you are gone? Or have you ever felt hurt by something that someone said and yet when you approached them about it, they refused to acknowledge or see that they did anything wrong and even worse, they place the blame back on you for having a problem with it? This weekend's topic is all about not letting people take my life from me.

I've really been noticing lately how my mood and my confidence is affected by others who I let control my environment around me. My self esteem is shot when this happens and I revert into my own "world." Sometimes I play the "whoa is me" game or throw myself a pity party. I let others control my emotions or even my life. I have to learn to take a stand. The most important person in my life is me. No one else.

It may sound like a rant, but I can't do it anymore. I can't let people control me. I need to stand behind my convictions and what I need in my life. If I don't matter enough for the people in my life to place me in any priority in their life or to care to listen to me, then do they really have to be important in my life?

For those of you saying, "I really don't care what people say or think or do in regards to me...I am my own person, " well, to that I say good for you. Not everyone can be as strong and confidant as you. But then think about what you say to others that controls them and makes them feel inferior....or that negates what they say. While I am going to take control of my life, I don't intend to hurt and negate others along the way. Taking a stand means acknowledging my self..not degrading someone else.

So, this weekend I plan on taking a stand. Maybe I will have to sleep on the couch at times, or walk out of a room. I refuse to feel bad for feeling like I matter...for feeling like I am important if not to anyone else, at least to myself. I refuse to give up my feelings. I will take a stand.