365 Days To a New Me

Monday: Dyngus Day and "glad I am alive day"

2011-04-25T16:46:00.002-05:00

So often when bad things happen to me I begin to think that someone up you know where (yeah...heaven...) has it out for me. As the days go on I begin to wonder if I am just unlucky or what is going on in my life that is making it so challenging. What helps me through each of these types of times is a line of a prayer that I read on January 1st that changed my life. It's a simple line that goes: "Lord, in all that I do and in all that happens, let me never lose Hope."

So, why is it, "I am glad to be alive day?" Well, for those who haven't heard already, we lost a tree on Saturday. It lept to its death. Well, I wouldn't say lept...maybe more of split in half and lept. Miraculously it missed our powerlines but took out our phone line and our cable and internet as well. A few minutes prior to it falling I had been preparing to walk from a neighbor's to that exact area it fell. I could have been hit and even killed. Miraculously and through the intervention of a friend I didn't. I am alive instead.

So what does my not being injured and having hope have in common? Hope gives us something to live for each day. Even when bad or difficult things happen, when I begin to look at the positive things in my life, it helps me to process and think about things better and more clearer. If I would have paniced and started to fret over the loss of that beautiful tree and even more so the work that I have to do to clean it up, I wouldn't have seen the good things in my life. Especially things like the fact that no one nor myself was hurt, my home was still intact, and it didn't make me forget the good time I had prior to it all happening.

In all that I do and in all that happens, let me never lose hope. Crazy things, unmeditated things, damaging things all happen. But I will never lose hope that tomorrow will be better. I will never lose hope that something good ill come my way. I will never lose hope that someday, when my time does come, that God comes to me and personally takes me up to heaven. Hope allows for openness to all that can happen.

Let you that are reading this never give up hope.

A New Day has Come

2011-04-21T10:49:00.002-05:00

I don't always write on here and last November I decided to give up on writing and trying to improve each day of the year. Here it has been over a year since I had started that task. Where do I think that I am at? I am a new person. I am no where near the person I was a year ago. What happened?

Alot happened last year. The more I tried to improve myself the more I felt attacked by an evilness. I don't know if it was spiritual, mental or what but I was being attacked. Did I keep from changing? No. I kept moving forward at my own space and in my own way. Alot of tragic things happened. I had surgery in May, a thunderstorm like no other hit our neighborhood and pt two trees onto my house, and Jeff's grandpa passed away. It was a stressful year. So...I walked away from blogging. Has this year been any better? It's not that the year has gotten any better, but rather I look at life better.

Last year I dealt emotionally with the possibility that we may not have children at all. Here I was 37 yrs old and looking at the possibility of never having a child of my own. In fall we found out that a gluten allergy that I was unaware of could be causing alot of the problems. So, this January 1 I woke up, shook the dirt off my shoes, and decided that I would walk the path of Hope this year.

What is Hope? Hope is believing that the impossible is possible. It is not giving up. It is living present in each and every day. This year I believe in hope. Does it at times seem difficult? Yes it does. But regardless, I refuse to give up on it. Maybe good will grant every wish I make, maybe God won't. But at least I can hope and believe that whatever happens, God is there to help me through it.

So....if you are still checking on my blog even after my long absence, know that I will begin blogging again on here. Maybe daily, maybe every other day. The new me is here and its better than ever. The journey continues.

Day....I've lost count

2010-11-17T12:48:00.002-06:00

I've lost count of the days since I first started this blog. And I've come to a realization that I don't want to finish it. I began to think about why I even started this....I thought that I needed to change who I was...become a new me. What was wrong with the old me? Was I that bad that I needed to be different? What is wrong with having the good and the bad about myself be a part of who I am?

I realized that no matter what I need not to have a new me, but just accept who I am. Life is not changable...its only livable. I can not impact the next day I live if God's intention and plan is different from my own. So....this is the end of 365 days to a new me. For now I will continue to use this blog as a personal journey that I will take for the rest of my life. But no longer will I try to change who I am. I am who God made me.

Have a Little Faith

2010-09-19T20:47:00.002-05:00

It was 6 1/2 years ago and Jeff had been going through a fairly tough time. He wasn't happy at his current place of employment as there was somewhat shady stuff going on there and we had only been married a little over 9 months. Depression had started to set in a bit when a prime opportunity came up for us to "dog sit" a dog that only a month or so before my uncle was trying to find a home for. When first approached, Jeff was adamant that he didn't want a dog at this time. But then his "unexplained" depression had started to set in. In his time of despair and depression, I was able to convince him we should dog sit this dog for my uncle's girlfriend so that they could go on a trip. Once Jeff had agreed to it, with the understanding that the dog would likely go back after the week was over, I contacted my uncle to find out more about this dog that no one had wanted to adopt. Her name was Faith.

Faith had been left in the Elkhart County Humane Society's drop box. She had been malnourished and basically left for dead. She was a bit timid and was very, very skinny. When she walked in the door that February evening, she b-lined it towards Jeff, laid her head on his lap and it was all over. The deal was sealed 2 hours later when Jeff stated, "She's not going to be leaving here at the end of the week..." in an almost question like manner. " Well, it's up to you," I said. "No..it wasn't a question..it was a statement...she's not leaving at the end of two weeks," Jeff replied. She had him at "ruff."

Whenever Jeff's depression or anxiety would hit Faith would saddle up to him, forcing him to pet her head and she would jump on the bed and lay right next to him. I remember telling Jeff that day before she came to us that he just needed a little Faith to get through his depression. And here she was...our little Faith. On March 18th, 2004 we adopted her. She became ours.

She'd nip at our backside every time we'd swat a bug off the wall or at a fly in the air. She could catch a fly with her mouth and spit it out at the door so that we could open the door and let the fly go free. She barked at the mail lady and knew right away when it was supposed to be mail time as she'd lay on the carpet by the door. She had a ferocious bark but the wettest lick and more excitement than a diabetic on Red Bull. She'd don a sweatshirt in the winter to stay warm when it was cold out.

Over the last 6 years, Faith has been more than just our family pet. She is totally our little girl. As we've tried to have children and in failed attempt after failed attempt to conceive, she knew what was going on and was the hug we needed, the unconditional love...she was our little girl.

We once had someone say to us that an animal is not the same as a human; they can't communicate their needs in words, make a conscience decision, or even be able to rational anything. They may have been right about those things. But to us, those don't make a human being human. Faith loved us no matter what....even when we were having a bad day and may have yelled a little at her. Or when we had to leave her for a few days with someone else caring for her in order to go out of town. And even more so she loved us when we were hurting inside and needed her unconditional love.

Yesterday she wasn't herself. She couldn't stay on her feet and kept falling. She couldn't keep anything down in her stomach, even water. She was lethargic. It wasn't our little Faith anymore. After an emergency visit to the Vet, we have learned that we may have very little time with her left. So now we try to keep her comfortable. As we try to just live day to day with her, the memories of our past come rushing in and fill our every being. We can't help but cry about the memories of the past knowing that the memories of the present and future are limited. When its time and she has to cross over to dog heaven, the rainbow bridge, or wherever all good dogs go when they pass away, it will be one of the most difficult things we ever experience. Because she is our little girl.

Today we try to have a little Faith. For she will not pass this way again.

Day 186: When Life hands you lemons, pull out a recipe book!

2010-07-29T09:06:00.002-05:00

So I decided to blog today not because anything is going wrong or because anything for that matter is going right. I just decided I needed to blog. I actually feel content today and I am realizing that I need to make changes in my life that are positive yet realistic. Why? Because I am not proud of the things that I sometimes do.

What kinds of things you may ask? Well, sometimes I feel like I really am two different people. There is the innocent, former nun, enjoys being Catholic part of me and then there is the "balls to the wall," cussing, negative and controlling, making a cake of male genitalia (for work) part of me. It's that second part I am not so proud of.

I enjoy being devout, good, and innocent in a way but the desire to fit in sometimes takes control and I conform to what others want me to do. The environment I work in isn't always condusive to be the way I want yet its the only way I can make the money we need to pay bills and eventually someday be out of debt. (Although the light at the end of that tunnel always seems so far away...). I really want to write. I want to be published. But I don't even know where to start. Maybe actually finishing the book I am writing would be a big help.

Speaking of books...I am reading a great one by Jim Moret, former CNN correspondent and currently with Inside Edition. It's called, "The Last Day of My Life" and it's about what he went through when he considered suicide and how his thought about what he needed to do if he only had truly 24 hours to live is what in the end saved his life. It's reflective and thought provoking. It's also a quick read at 160 pages.

Why this sudden desire to be different? It's not a sudden desire. Rather, it's a desire to return to myself. 14 years ago I was praying every morning, my music genre consisted predominately of Christian or Catholic music, and I saw open doors and was able to walk through them. After I left the convent, I closed the door on that past life. I regret that in a way. I think its time I retry to open that door and take out of the closet and dust off what and I who I was in the past and try and make it a part of who I am now.

I think that is really what this blog is all about for me. It's about allowing me to become not just a new or better me but a revitalized newer self. I am not planning on throwing myself out of my life and who I am but rather just improving. It just takes time and work. And I haven't given it up.

Day 165: Having abandoned it all...

2010-07-08T10:36:00.002-05:00

Someone suggested to me today that I should write my blog. I am in a rather weird space mentally and emotionally right now. So much has happened in the last few weeks that I feel sometimes that I carry the anxiety of others and their issues along for the journey rather than doing things for myself. I have so much difficulty separating things in my life. I am not talking about being able to separate work and my personal life. Anymore,its being able to separate others' needs from my own needs. I give in way to much.

I deserve more in my life. I deserve some happiness. I deserve the ability to dream and feel like they are accomplishable.

I never intended this blog to be used as a venting block. No...it was to be a path to improving myself and journeying to become a better me. And where am I at in it all? I am a failure. I haven't blogged in over a month. I feel as though I have taken 10 steps back instead of 2 steps forward.

How do I begin to let go? I thought that I had but it all seems to keep coming back. I am drained. If I feel my life is good when others happen to be down and going through rough times its crass and insensitive of me. When I am down its as if others are doing better and then people get upset with me for not being happy for others.

How do I begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel when its hard to even move forward to see that the tunnel ends or that there is anything in life other than the darkness of the tunnel.

I am beginning to believe this 365 days to a new me is not realistic...that it isn't something I can accomplish....that is was stupid of me to have even tried since I was setting myself up for failure.

I've gotta move on. Somehow I will figure it out. Until then I will continue to try to blog. Thank you for all of you putting up with my craziness.

Day 135: Where to from here...

2010-06-08T06:56:00.002-05:00

I have no good excuse for not writing my blog other than to say that I failed at this attempt to write every day. The last few weeks have been physically and mentally demanding. Things happening in my personal life, which I have been careful on here not to share too too much of because of family and friends and their privacy, have taken hold of my life. It's been all that I can do to stay above water when everyone's flood of issues or problems directly or indirectly affect your life and come your way. And then there was the surgery.

On what would have been day 122 I had surgery to fix a muscle and nerve in my leg that was physically affecting me in my ability to walk and do the things I wanted to do. My excitement about the surgery (if you could call it excitement) was that I had this grandiose ideal that instantly my foot would be better. Rather, over the last almost 2 weeks I have been having to learn patience and realize that it takes time for the body to heal....advice I had given other family members. I've had a hard time letter others do for me because I have to ask them to help me and I feel like I am imposing.

The other hard thing after the surgery that I have faced is depression. We'd like to blame it on the anesthesia or even the Demerol that they shot me up with after the surgery but I don't know it that's the answer. I have gone without taking pain pills as I hate the way they make me feel and they give me a feeling of anxiety. The depression is far outweighing the pain though. What if the pain from the surgery never truly goes away? What if when the healing has completed I am left without the capability to fully use the leg? What if I have even more pain when I use it? What if I can never do a walk around the block/neighborhood/ or a hike again? There were things I thought were easily to accomplish back before the surgery and now realize I must have been taking it for granted. And then there is just the sadness...this overwhelming sadness that makes me feel like I am a failure. And I begin to believe it.

I believe it because I wanted to accomplish writing for the 365 days and say that I came through it and did it and accomplished something. But I didn't. I have kind of given up. What keeps me from continuing on something? Why do I give up when things get a little rough? Who was I writing this blog for anyways? I can't even look people in the eye when they start to talk about my blog because I know I have failed at it. And worse yet is when people say, "Well...you tackled something hard..I am surprised that you lasted this long on it." It was like I had set myself up for failure and everyone had known it but me. And last night my husband made the statement that 365 days wouldn't make me perfect. I wasn't looking to be perfect...just looking to to better myself and be a better person than what I was.

Unfortunately if I quit now, everything I had worked for on this blog gets flushed down the toilet. I become the failure even more that I have been feeling I am. I quit at one more thing. I end up with nothing to maintain me being motivated for anything. When will it end. Yet I know that I can't write on a daily or even every couple of days basis. I will have to write when I can write. I am doing this blog for me. While others read it and comment, I have to remember that I started it to better myself. If others benefit from it, that's great..but I have to be true to me and whatever the journey turns into.

So..I am not quiting this journey. I will see it through for the 365 days. But things are changing. I won't blog everyday. I will blog when I can. I will promise myself not to be blogging for the reader but rather instead for myself and what I need to do. You all matter to me. But I need to do this for me. It's about time I step up and take care of myself.

Day 118: An Environmental Change

2010-05-22T08:57:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning and it felt as though a haze had lifted from my eyes and though I had slept better than I ever had. I didn't think I would be writing my blog before next week, so consider this entry a lucky entry. Here we are, Jeff and I, in Baneberry, Tennessee...a little town that consists of a golf course with a bar and grill and a set of mailboxes and one police officer who will give you a $100 ticket if your drive through the parking lot to short cut the corner. (No...we didn't do it...we just heard about it from some locals.) The most amazing thing is that this is what I believe people mean when they talk about "God's country."

Instantly as we drove yesterday into the state of Tennessee we felt a connection with the state and the people. We felt at home immediately and the southern hospitality was like none other. There was something in the air...something that felt right. Something that felt like we were home. Why? No idea. Maybe it was because of the stress we left behind in Indiana. But maybe its because we have finally found where we truly want to be.

Sometimes environmental change can make us into better people. Think of it this way...the oil spill in the gulf is impacting the environment which impacts physically the life of the wild life and nature around it. When the environment is negative then the impact to the surroundings is negative. The same then is with us as humans in our environment. Could the reason for the physical wearing down of us and our health, etc., be because of our environment at home in South Bend, IN? The pollution, the natural sarcasticness of the "Hoosier hospitality," or even the lack of a future employment market and a slumping housing market?

Where is our life headed? What do we see our future looking like? Do we stay in South Bend for the sake of others or do we start to live our lives? We have alot to ask ourselves. We have pros and cons to discuss but maybe, just maybe, we have found our future here in the state of Tennessee. This is something we have to pray about. This is something we have to look at and really decide on. Never have we felt like this before about anywhere we went. Pray for us. It won't be tomorrow or next week that we move down here. But maybe, just maybe at some point here, we will be here.

Days 110 thru 114: An update

2010-05-18T06:10:00.004-05:00

I had every intention to write...I truly did. But because of a couple reasons I didn't get anything on here. The first reason was impacted because of the second. Firstly, I decided to procrastinate a little bit on Friday. I had hoped to write this blog early that morning but a few situations at home had me scrambling to get to work. Then all hell broke loose! A family emergency hit and soon all time had gone for the day. As the weekend came and went, so did my energy and ability to just take enough time to stop and think. Now...as this week will progress I will be traveling in the early morning hours for work, will be traveling on vacation, and then eventually in a little over a week I will be having surgery. So...what to do?

For the next week I plan on taking a break from the blog. I need time to break away from it. Will it start back up again? Hopefully...only time will tell. It's not that I don't want to write the blog or that I don't want to improve my life. Rather, I need to focus on it more and less worry about what I am going to write and how I will write it and whether I am saying the right things. So, for the next week I am going to take a break on the blog. My intentions are to begin writing again next Wednesday, May 26th. Maybe I will do it sooner, but if not, my goal is next week. I need a vacation. I need to not have to think or work hard at anything other than enjoying my life and the moment.

Thank you for all that you all have done. For reading my blog. Check back in a week and maybe I will be back. Until them, have a great week.

Day 109: Live more simply

2010-05-13T06:08:00.002-05:00

As my father-in-law and their neighbor have been working on our kitchen, tearing up the floor and putting down tile to improve the look of our kitchen, we have been forced to eat off paper plates and out in our living room. Having lost our grill due to it shooting fire out at my husband like a dragon, we can't even attempt to cook outside. (Plus it has rained nearly every day). Unfortunately we can't afford to go out to eat every day either. So what are our options? Cold lunch meat sandwiches for supper. For some this may not seem so dramatic. For us its been a lesson in learning to live more simply.

Recently I read an article in a magazine where the couple, who had lost their 4,000 square foot home to a fire rebuilt their home using just two shed from their back yard. Instead of the home being 4000 square feet they brought it down to 925 square feet...barely a kitchen and a bedroom and bathroom existed. What they spoke about was learning to live simply.

Why should we learn to live more simply? It's not because of times like this where we are forced to move into smaller spaces or for when we are doing renovations. And its not so that I don't have to keep cleaning up things. Rather, having so many things in our life tend to clutter up our lives and re-prioritize our thinking and even what we find important. What use is it having so much stuff? Some may say that it is so they can keep up with the Joneses. (Who are these supposedly elusive Joneses anyway? They don't live on my street. Most of the Joneses I know live in the projects next to my street. Why would I want to live that poor?) Some may say that it gives them happiness. Isn't what you have and don't have the bone of contention of arguments in a marriage?

So many people think that having things may make them happy. This happiness is a temporary thing. Think about it...you go our and buy a new thing...a video game console, a sound system, puzzles, books, anything. You are so excited about it that you tell everyone about it or you spend the next two weeks using the item until you've actually grown tired of it. The next thing you know it sits and gathers dust. Sure on occasion you actually pull it out or look at it and then it gets put on the shelf once again. Are these things that we really need in our lives?

Yesterday I started cleaning things out of different areas of our home. I looked at these things and realized I really didn't need these things. I looked at them and thought...."hmmm...if I had only thought about the fact that I wouldn't really need these things two weeks after I bought them maybe I wouldn't have gotten them." It's nice to want. It's nice to be able to share with others in your life the bragging stories that come along with owning things. But it is worth it? Do people love you any more just because you have an expensive car or alot of things? No. Is popularity all that important? For some, yes. For the former nerd/athlete like myself? No.

I'm nearing 40 and every year that I get closer to that means dropping my high school mentality of trying to fit in with the popular crowd. So what's more important in your life? Having? Being? Or is it just living simply? Think about it. I gotta go....I have more decluttering to do.

Days 106, 107 and 108: Confidence is high!

2010-05-12T06:21:00.002-05:00

Back in high school when my western civilization teacher was asked if we were going to have a test or a quiz that week or if the upcoming test was going to be a difficult one he use to respond by exclaiming, "Confidence is high!" It would be much easier and prepare us much more if we had someone in life to prepare us in this way as we ventured into adulthood as well. But what did that mean when that teacher would say "Confidence is high?" While it prepared us to know there was a test or quiz coming up, it also helped us to become more confident in what we knew as we studied the information that we needed for that test or quiz.

When I crawl out of bed in the morning the hardest thing to say let alone think is "confidence is high!" I wake up grumpy that I even have to get out of bed! However, we really do need to start off our morning with that saying. Why? Because it reminds us that we can make it through the day. It reminds us that we can accomplish things. It reminds us to believe in ourselves.

Recently, someone in my life has been dealing with a confidence issue. Last night I found myself talking to them about believing in themselves while not losing their sense of who they are. As we try to build confidence ourselves we have to make sure that we aren't losing a sense of who we are and try to be someone we are not. A typically shy person shouldn't just try to be more extroverted as they may look at how they can be more extroverted and start saying things just to say things in conversation that are hurtful to others or that shouldn't be talked about. A person with fears shouldn't just "go for it" and attack all their fears hoping to "get over it." When people in these areas try to "have confidence," when they fail, they fall big time. It shatters their confidence even more and it keeps them from moving forward in the future.

As I spoke to this person last night and they recounted how they were trying to be more confident in themselves I saw myself in them in a way. I realized what I had gone through to get me to where I was. While I am not the most confident person in the world, I worked at it. I didn't always write like this....I actually came close to failing my creative writing class in college. But I didn't have confidence at the time in myself. What I did was study. I studied my life. I studied other people and how they wrote. And I began to believe in myself. Confidence is the key to starting the vehicle of our life that takes us places. Belief and study are what gives us the key.

Today I will be working at my own confidence and how I get there. Sometimes I don't believe in myself and that is an area I have to work on. In my own career I am a supervisor. I need to start being that and having confidence that when I make a decision under that title at work that I need to stick with it and have confidence in it. So...for these last 3 days, that's where I am at. Confidence is high!

Day 104 & 105: Looking back

2010-05-10T06:36:00.002-05:00

As I looked at these days and realized that I had already made it over 105 days I was astonished. First, I had thought it would be alot easier to come up with a task each day. Boy was I wrong. I'm sure some of you wouldn't be surprised at how many times I had wanted to back out of this! Secondly, I realized that I only had 260 days left to write this. 260 Days left....oh boy! I barely made it these last 105 days, how am I going to do another 260 days.

Then I realized that it's not important to look back but rather to look forward. It's important to keep voyaging forward. Our past is important to remember but as I thought about writing this I realized that you can't go backwards and grow. Rather..it takes walking forward. You can't return to where you've been and expect it to be the same. No...you have to realize that life changes, we change, and our environments change.

As I write these blogs entries daily I look back at the past blogs and you know what happens? It messes me up. I think about what everyone reading this would say. What if I duplicated a task? What it I say something wrong and contradict something that I have said or did before? I thought more about it and the thought that came to mind was that it was okay. I may revisit past tasks and the reason is that maybe I haven't mastered those tasks.

The only looking back today I planned on doing was looking back at all that my mother has done for me throughout the last 37 years. Mom...I don't know that you read this, but Happy Mother's Day.

Day 103: Stormy clouds

2010-05-07T07:50:00.002-05:00

This morning I awoke to the sound of two barking dogs. Two dogs barking at the sound of thunder as a stormy day rolled in. As I trudged out of bed and heard the sound of the rain beating on the concrete outside one of the open windows in our house I instantly thought that I'd like to head back to bed. Almost like clockwork, the naturally calm and collective Melissa person became the incredible hulk! If you think about it, what it the one thing that the incredible hulk posses most? A lack of patience! Why else does he get so angry? He tends to just push his way through life. When was the last time you noticed that big green super "un"hero wait at a stop light in the movies? I mean...the dude is totally inpatient!

For some reason the dark clouds and the storms rolling in always get my patience on end. My perception of how people are driving or other people's choices get on my nerves. Every argument I could have with people I don't like comes to mind and I threaten to actually yell at someone.

How do I avoid doing this in the future? That is what I need to learn today. Otherwise a co-worker may just get a piece of my mind today or a driver in front of me might get the finger. (Trust me...it's been a while since I flipped anyone off but it has happened.) Today I will remember to step back from the situations and work on becoming patient. I will count to ten before yelling today. There's already enough thunder and lightening outside...I don't need to create any more in here than I have to. Wish me luck!

Day 102: Being proud of yourself

2010-05-06T12:05:00.002-05:00

So often I have a hard time giving myself credit for what I accomplish. Even worse is when someone compliments me. I tend to cower down. While I was in the convent it was made known to me that I tend to negate myself when I am complimented. If I was complimented I would respond, "yeah but...." usually followed with a negative comment about myself. At the time I thought I was being humble. It took one of the Sisters to look at me straight in the eye with all seriousness to say that "yeah buts are those fuzzy little creatures that hop along the forest and eat our flowers out front" and that I needed to accept positivity from others.

With that statement I started to watch what I'd say. But soon I realized that I'd do it to myself even when was just thinking. We need to stop doing that to ourselves. It becomes a self destruction method if we don't change the pattern of our thinking when we do this.

For Day 102 this is an area I will work on.

Day 101: Decision making (Thought I had posted...sorry)

2010-05-05T13:35:00.005-05:00

This morning I woke after a less than great night of sleep to an email from a couple who we had been talking to about embryo adoption. Embryo Adoption is when a couple who has frozen embryos available that they can donate them to you in order to achieve having a child. Of course the child would not be ours genetically but we would in all intents and purposes be the parents of that child. I would carry the child(ren). I would birth them. This couple had been considering over 30 different couples and here we were in the final four. We had gotten through tons of hurdles. We would finally find out if we had the embryos within a few days. Our dreams could really become a reality. And then we weren't so sure.

Decision making when there are as many factors being in play as this had was difficult. We had to do alot of weighing the pros and the cons and make a decision. What if they picked us? What if they didn't? What did God really want us doing? A wrench was thrown into the spokes of the infertility wheel when we found out about a clinic and an infertility program that was approved by the Catholic Church and actually had a 65% success rate with its different methods in working with women with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) like I have. And now there was the surgery on my leg I would be having at the end of this month and crown for a tooth that Jeff broke. Finally, there was just not a complete agreement between he and I.

Fights broke out between us. I was mad at him. He was mad at me. Petty things got in the way of communications between us. Then I realized that a big part of it was because of me. I began to realize I wanted a child so much that I would go to any means I could. The reason for this was because every other option seemed to dwindle in front of me. I couldn't imagine my life without having children of my own. And I realized to that I was making it a "me" thing. In other words, it was always about what I wanted and not what was the best for Jeff and I together. Was I doing this only so the end result would justify the means by which I was trying to have children? Was I ruining my relationship along the way? Was I objectifying my spouse?

When we make decisions there are two very important components we need to consider: 1. Is this the best thing for us? 2. Am I communicating my needs and desires to my spouse and being open to what they have to say? Today I am going to work on these two areas in my life.

It doesn't matter if the decision is about something of this nature or about something completely different. When you are married or in any type of relationship, our life is not solely about myself or yourself. It's about everyone on the journey. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a nation to support an adult.

Day 100: What a screw up....

2010-05-05T09:07:00.002-05:00

So, day 100 of my blog came and went and I screwed up. I didn't blog a single thing. And by not doing it I almost gave it up for good. Why didn't I blog? Because I simply never got around to it and I forgot. Isn't that sad? I was so busy between work, a doctor's appointment and ripping our kitchen apart to "remodel" the floors, etc. that I sat up at 2 a.m. on Day 101 and I exclaimed, "I forgot to write my blog yesterday!" And you know what....its no big deal. (I've been so forgetful that today I spent 10 minutes looking for a tube of blood at work I had drawn and I began to panic because I couldn't remember where I had put it down, when I looked at my hand and realized I had been holding it like a pen in my hand the whole time!)

I screw up. I acknowledge that. I am not always right. I will accept that. I am human.

So...onward to better things. Day 100 was filled with alot of searching and answers. Alot of insite into what to look at here in the next several months. Alot will be happening. I will try to keep you updated. For now, be at peace and forgive me for forgetting about the blog. To err is human.

Day 99: Seperating business from pleasure

2010-05-03T06:31:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I have a hard time taking to work problems from home and taking home problems from work. Worse yet, taking problems in my social circle into both realms!! I may not share one with the other but chaos in one always tends to flow over into chaos from the other. Emotionally I am affected. If I've had a bad day at home, I tend to seclude myself off at work and not want to deal with anyone. I am not my "happy, perky self" according to colleagues. At home I begin to bark at family.

So what do I do? Unfortunately there is no happy answer. The timer rule doesn't work it you are holding on to things. How do you transition from one area of your life to the other without carrying forward all the chaos from the one you just came from? I guess if I had all the answers to those types of questions then I could retire, write a book and make a ton of money.

Today I am going to be working on learning how now to not wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am going to work on separating out these various parts of my life. Not only will this task affect me, but it should affect positively others in my life from each of the areas.

Days 97 and 98: It's MY life

2010-05-01T05:45:00.002-05:00

Do you know of people in your life who take control of the conversations at a party and cut in to what you are trying to say? How do you feel when you start talking about something and someone stars talking about something totally different and you never get to finish what you were saying or talking about. Have you ever felt like if you walked away from a room no one would really notice that you are gone? Or have you ever felt hurt by something that someone said and yet when you approached them about it, they refused to acknowledge or see that they did anything wrong and even worse, they place the blame back on you for having a problem with it? This weekend's topic is all about not letting people take my life from me.

I've really been noticing lately how my mood and my confidence is affected by others who I let control my environment around me. My self esteem is shot when this happens and I revert into my own "world." Sometimes I play the "whoa is me" game or throw myself a pity party. I let others control my emotions or even my life. I have to learn to take a stand. The most important person in my life is me. No one else.

It may sound like a rant, but I can't do it anymore. I can't let people control me. I need to stand behind my convictions and what I need in my life. If I don't matter enough for the people in my life to place me in any priority in their life or to care to listen to me, then do they really have to be important in my life?

For those of you saying, "I really don't care what people say or think or do in regards to me...I am my own person, " well, to that I say good for you. Not everyone can be as strong and confidant as you. But then think about what you say to others that controls them and makes them feel inferior....or that negates what they say. While I am going to take control of my life, I don't intend to hurt and negate others along the way. Taking a stand means acknowledging my self..not degrading someone else.

So, this weekend I plan on taking a stand. Maybe I will have to sleep on the couch at times, or walk out of a room. I refuse to feel bad for feeling like I matter...for feeling like I am important if not to anyone else, at least to myself. I refuse to give up my feelings. I will take a stand.

Day 96: Clearing your head

2010-04-30T09:22:00.003-05:00

I have a headache. I know why. It's not because I couldn't sleep last night due to nervousness about the test I am going to have on my leg today. It's not because I haven't been drinking enough water or too much water. I didn't even drink any alcohol yesterday. No. My headache is because I think too much.

That sounds funny, I know. But it's true. Have you ever had so much running through your head that it literally gave you a headache? I have...frequently. Whether it's stuff going on at work, home or social life, it all seems to come back into the head in the evenings leaving me with one whopping of a weird dream and a headache in the morning. Why does this happen? Why does my head fill with so much that it lead to the headache? Because I allow it to.

I know that sometimes we fill our live with so many things we force ourselves into these predicaments. Sometimes though, we have no option. Our health, our family, or environments all need attention and the responsibility falls on us. Sure we can take time out for ourselves to try to recoup, but most of us don't have the luxury of doing that every day. While my dream in life would be to sit in my log cabin (a dream yes...) out in the country somewhere surrounded by nothing but nature and write my novels that is not a reality. I have responsibility right now that I can't avoid. I have to think about others in my life. Thus...the headache.

So, I guess today I am not saying that I am going to work more on clearing my head or anything like that. Rather, I am going to just deal with it. I will eventually take something for it (Tylenol, Excedrin or whatever later that I can't take right now due to a procedure/test in a few hours.). Sometimes we just have to allow those headaches to happen. It helps us acknowledge that we are human, that sometimes we don't need to take on the world on our shoulders and that we need to take some time out for ourselves.

Headaches...they are a part of life. They happen. Life happens. Today is about life happening. And I am just going to let it. It keeps me on my toes.

Day 95: Walking with another

2010-04-29T07:46:00.002-05:00

There are things in our lives that we struggle with. Yesterday I spoke about suffering and how it's okay. While its okay to acknowledge the suffering its also very important to work at moving beyond the suffering. We aren't to keep our lives full of pain and sadness. Rather, we need to keep moving forward. We have to try to do things, accomplish things, and continuing moving forward. If that wasn't the intention of where our lives were supposed to go then the length of the human day would have been more like years as opposed to hours. We are given 24 hours because we are supposed to live that day to the fullest and move on.

In our lives though, we are given people to help us along the way as well as people that we are to help along the way. We are given permanent people and we are given temporary people. People whose experiences we can learn from and people who we will teach. What we need to do is realize that no matter what is going on in our lives, we are not alone.

We are meant to walk with other people in our lives. Today I will be more responsible to recognizing that I am not alone and that it is important that I don't try to walk this path alone. Whether its the fertility issue, struggles with spirituality, or just everyday life, we are meant to walk this journey with others. Why else would I have started this blog? I want to walk this walk not alone but accompanied by others.

What's important as well is that we don't force ourselves on others in regards to walking with them. In other words, don't try and be a boy scout and help an unaccepting lady across the street! I will pay more attention to others needs and walk with them whether it is long term or short term. I will accompany them and listen and only be there for them to let them know I am here. I won't pretend to know all the answers or even think that I have to be right with my advise all the time. I won't advise...I will just walk with them. Sometimes I will just take them by the hand and when they give up I will help them stay walking.

(Interesting analogy from a woman who can barely walk 50 feet because of a foot injury,eh? But you get the point, right?)

Day 94: Suffering

2010-04-28T07:22:00.002-05:00

One of the things I learned this weekend at the evening of reflection that I went to was that suffering is okay. From a religious standpoint, suffering reminds us of the cross that Jesus carried and that we all do need to carry our cross. From a non-religious standpoint, suffering is needed to humble us and to remind us that we aren't the center of attention in the world and that we don't get to control everything in life. Suffering reminds people that sometimes life really does suck. And life does have to suck in order for us to grow and change.

Think of it this way. A tree that receives no trimming and cutting will grow wild and all over the place. There is no control of it and it turns into chaos. When the branches are cut or trimmed, the tree will grow better, healthier, and more organized. The tree has to suffer the cutting in order to grow. We are alot like the tree. We can't always have things our way. We can't always control. We have to deal with pain and suffering and uncertainty in order to grow healthier, better, and more organized in who we are.

We also have to acknowledge that suffering is okay in our lives. I don't mean that we are to stand on a street corner and shout, "WHOA IS ME!!!!! OH HOW I SUFFER!!!!!" No. And sometimes I know that I tend to use social networking as my platform for acknowledging my suffering to anyone who will read it. (I have to change doing that and remind myself that its not necessary for everyone to know what ails me.) But we do have to acknowledge and not stuff back in our lives the suffering we encounter.

Now, I am not talking about allowing yourself to "suffer" over a small thing and to drag it on. Or even to allow yourself to suffer because you didn't like the outcome of a decision that someone or yourself made. Rather, we must carry our own crosses and understand that the pain of what we are going through in life is important to feel and to know that it shouldn't be diminished.

There are certain things in my life that I don't talk about with other people. There are things that Jeff and I haven't talked to other people about regarding our infertility and we realized that we don't have to tell anyone anything. What we choose to say or do is our decision. We are the ones suffering through this path of infertility. Please be patient with us on this. Allow us to suffer. Allow us to grieve and do the things we need to do. Do not come to us and say, I understand how you feel. Do not tell us to adopt, lose weight, try harder, don't try so hard, or any of a number of other pieces of advice. Allow us to deal with this. Do say..."hey that really sucks" or "I'll be praying for you" or "if you need anything, let me know" or even, "hey...I'm here for you." Those words are the most comforting during suffering. Those are phrases that provide more comfort to any form of suffering than any other thing that can be said.

Today I am going to be allowing myself to understand what it means to be at the foot of the cross. When Jesus died, his mother and his followers, some of whom he called brothers, were at the foot of the cross. While Jesus suffered the physical dieing on the cross, the loss of their loved one imparted suffering amongst his brothers and mother. Michelangelo's the Pieta is a great reminder of the agony of suffering and the acceptance of it as well. If you have seen the Pieta you may remember that Mary, Jesus's mother is holding and grieving for the loss of her son. Her left hand remains outstretched though. This outstretched arm signifies her accepting what suffering that God has given her with the loss of her son and yet the acknowledgement that she surrenders that suffering back to God.

Today, I will outstretch my arms and acknowledge my suffering, and also surrender it back to God. I am thankful that God loves me this much that he would impart this upon me.

Day 93: I'm no Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck

2010-04-27T06:26:00.002-05:00

What does Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and everyone reading this blog have in common? All of us have or are characters. This weekend, Jeff and I watched a movie about a young man who makes some bad choices and ends up in juvenile detention. This young man had been a star rugby player at his school. While detained he is afforded the opportunity to play Rugby for a team that was his arch rival when he was not locked up. This difference was the coaching. The coach for the arch rival team didn't just team the boys how to play rugby, and that wasn't the reason they won. Rather, he taught them that their character was more important than winning games. He taught them never to do anything that would embarrass their family, their friends, or their team mates. He built their character.

We have a responsibility to developing our own character. Who we are deep down, not just who we plan to be, is just as important as this journey I am on. Determining who I am deep down is something that I have been reflecting on. Is who I project my character to be the same as what I want it to be? How am I projecting myself? Do I show one face to certain people and another face to another group, changing my character and changing my belief system along the way to meet the needs of who I am at the same time? These are questions I began asking myself over the last two days and today seems like the best time to really address it in my life.

I want to be the person who is non-judgemental to everyone...including my family. I don't want to be someone who is looked at as someone who objectifies other people. I want others to see that something important to me is my faith, my family, and life in general. I want others to recall my character as being honorable, courageous, and compassionate.

I have alot to work on still, but at least its a start. What does your character say about you? Do you project the person that you want to be? Do you conform to become someone different for different groups of people in order to be liked by all? Or do you stand for what you truly believe in?

Day 92: The humor of the late night blog tonight

2010-04-26T22:24:00.002-05:00

Yes...you probably searched for a blog all day on this day only never to see it online. There were 2 reasons. First, I had to be up very early for work and was out of the office all day thus no time to do the blog. Secondly, today was an important day of reflection. Yesterday, Jeff and I were able to spend an evening with 10 other couples experiencing fertility. The evening made us ponder many things, one being how we connect to each other as a married couple. The other was how our journey together has changed from our courtship up until now and the sufferings of infertility.

As a result of this last evening I had spent alot of day reflecting in some of these things. So...my day wasn't meant fixing a problem. Rather, it was to reflect and think and to begin to acknowledge what ad where our journey is going...Jeff's and mine. Over the course of this next week there will be topics that I will blog about that were areas they spoke about and of which I have began to really acknowledge the need for integration into my life. So that's it for tonight.

Days 90 and 91: The three month hump

2010-04-24T06:47:00.003-05:00

The title of today's blog has got me laughing for a variety of reasons that I won't go into. If you know what I do for a living it is a very humorous title. Anyways. Today is day 90 of the blog. 3 months I have been writing this blog. This also means that I still have 275 days left of the blog. After some long thinking and evaluating this whole process I have made a decision to do something a little off the path than what I was doing these past 90 days. Do not worry, I am still taking the journey. What is affected instead is the blogging.

Beginning this weekend, the blog will only be written once for the weekend...either Saturday or Sunday. My goal will to be to write about my task on Saturday mornings but it may be Sunday at times before it is written. Why is this? After thinking about it, I saw that my weekend tasks were sometimes minuscule things. Although small they were still important to do. But did I really do them to the fullest? Weekends are so varied and sometimes we filled them with tons of things and sometimes we had nothing to do. By taking one task and working on it for the entire weekend it has a much greater opportunity for me to accomplish it and to make an impact with that task.

This was not an easy decision as I wanted to live my original plan for the blog. Realistically, each weekend was harder and harder to write as I didn't feel I had been able to give it my all. This way of doing the blog and the journey will give me a greater opportunity to reflect on the process and that specific topic. It's a good thing. Change is good.

Day 89: The Power of Change

2010-04-23T07:59:00.002-05:00

Yes, I do recall that I have spoken about change before. Today as I speak about change I believe that I am coming at it from a different angle. Today I will come at change from the eyes of someone else as opposed to me.

How often are we approached with change around us and while we deal with a little anxiety about it for a few seconds, eventually we accept it and move forward not letting it get to us too much? Once we moved forward the change doesn't seem to be too big of a deal but for that moment when it is occurring our heads begin to swim, we look for every reason under the sun to not accept it, and we panic. Once we've moved beyond it we look back and think...psssha..that was no big deal.

What about the people in our lives who haven't been able to move beyond the anxiety and stress? How do we deal with that? Sometime we have individuals that we want to just shake and say....Hey!!!! It's no big deal!!!! In a way, we need to be more compassionate to them. We need to remember the anxiety we may have felt about certain changes in our own life where we held on just a bit longer.

It doesn't mean that we cajole them and baby them. Rather it means that we step back, pull ourselves out of the chaos they are going through and help them move out of the chaos and stress and anxiety. We don't do that by yelling or telling them they are wrong. Rather we work on being patient with them. We give them their time and their space but let them know we are there to help them through this if needed.

The power of change can make or break a person. Change the furniture in a house of a person who has never changed it around and you will see anxiety. Add another person into the mix at work or in your circle of friends and you'll see it too. Today I will be a bit more patient with people who have a hard time with change. Who knows....I may need it at sometime here in the future too.

Day 88: Smile

2010-04-22T07:19:00.002-05:00

Thank God its Thursday. I know, I know....there are usually people saying that when it's a Friday. But for me today, I am grateful that it's Thursday. At least it's not Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday! It's been one of those weeks that you look forward to it being over...no matter what you do for a living or what's going on in your life. This week has been one of those weeks for me.

One of the things that I feel I am good at trying to do (whether I achieve at it or not) is attempting to make others happy. While this blog is about helping me to improve, part of that task is helping others. If we go around in our life only trying to please ourselves and stuck in only "spoiling" ourselves, we lose site at something that really does feel good. Nothing feels as good as making someone else smile and laugh. Today I am going to work on doing that more. When I make others smile and laugh I feel better myself. So, I guess in a way it does benefit me.

Remember, at least today is Thursday. That means it's not Monday. While you may not want to, try and help someone smile today. Even if it does mean making yourself look silly. You'll laugh about it later once you see someone's spirit lifted.

Have a good day!

Day 87: Fear Factor

2010-04-21T07:41:00.002-05:00

Fear has been a topic I have covered before. I know that. The fear I am feeling right now is different. It's like no other fear I have ever felt before. It's a fear that has encompassed me since I heard news yesterday about a potential issue I am facing. Normally I keep an issue in like this and only tell a select few. But my fear is so great right now that I think its important that I just talk about it...get it off my chest. So many factors are involved.

As you know, yesterday's blog talked about my standing up for my body and knowing myself and what's going on. I did that. I wasn't prepared to hear what I heard though. After over 2 years of struggling with my leg/foot issue the doctor is pretty sure he knows what it is. In a week and a half I will be having an EMG (electroblahblahblahgraphy...yeah...I don't know what it stands for but it means they are going to do a nerve conduction test of some sort.) The doctor is pretty sure that I have peroneal nerve compression happening as that was what the podiatrist thought was happening last November and placed me in a boot for 6-8 weeks. When I asked the doctor yesterday what the plan of action is if it turns out he is correct. He looked at me and said, "surgery."

This is something I have anticipated could happen, but I had not idea it could be the type of surgery that he was telling me I would need. I thought maybe fixing the ligament or something if that nature, but never about the nerve. When I looked up last night what that would entail I wasn't prepared to see what I saw. The recovery time and the rate of success is not promising. Well, maybe promising isn't the word. It's not ideal is more like it. I have to work. I have to be able to function and have both of my feet and the ability to walk. I am just overwhelmed with it all.

Then there is another issue. Very few people know about this, but Jeff and I have been working towards doing embryo adoption in order to have children. We filled out our applications, payed the fee we had to, and have a couple considering us right now. What this entails is a couple offering us their frozen embryos so that we can carry a child to term. By all means the child I give birth to, regardless of genetics, is legally considered ours. It's not cheap. We anticipate expenses ranging anywhere from a couple thousand to up to $10,000. It's money we don't have and little by little on top of all our other expenses we are trying to save for. This potential surgery puts that on hold even longer and if we can't figure out how to financially afford both, may even put the option further impossible. I have wanted a family and children more than anything in my life. I have watched my siblings have their children and their family and keep moving forward in life while I have always been the last at everything. I have been stagnant...in limbo...in everything in my life.

So...today I am feeling fear. Fear of what the future brings, especially if its something I am not prepared to deal with. Fear of loss....loss physically of some things I took for granted, such as my ability to walk and function in the way I am accustomed. Or even the loss of the dream of having a child. What I am going through I know requires alot of trust and I am not doing well with trust right now. Last week when my blue and pink silicone bracelets with the phrase, "Believe in Miracles" embossed on it arrived at my door, I was excited and I was truly believing that they are possible. Right now I am having a hard time believing that they can happen for me. Where do I go from here?

I keep praying. I keep holding out hope. I try to take everything one day at a time. I keep trying to believe in miracles. What else can I do?!?!?

Day 86: Know thy own self

2010-04-20T06:47:00.002-05:00

Yeah...you probably thought that meant to know who I was and who I am to be. Nope. Not today. Rather, today I am going to the doctor regarding a nagging foot issue. One that I have been dealing with for over two years now. I am finally fed up with what is going on with my foot and the care I have been getting so I return to the source....my family doctor.

What prompted this visit was a swollen ankle last week...an abnormal symptom for my ankle issue but one that caused extreme difficulty and pain. So, on again the boot went and some relief after about 4 days of consistent wear of it. I get a call yesterday that they will move up my appointment from next week until today. So what happens? My swelling goes away but I still have the pain. Sometimes, when the doctors can't see swelling I often think that they think that the pain is made up. To be going through this for over 2 years now I can honestly tell you that its not in my head. My dream of walking or running a 5 k are put back on hold again...maybe permanently.

So what am I feeling about it all? I need to be strong today and insistent that something needs to be done. No more physical therapy. No more guessing games. This is real. This hurts. I need to look at my doctor in the eyes and say, "Something needs to be done." Why is it that I tend to chicken out and not get all that I want to say out when I talk to my doctor.

I know my own body. I know my self. I know what hurts. I know too that I need to stand up for what I know needs to be paid attention to. This is something that pertains to not just our bodies, rather it also pertains to other parts of our life. I need at times to stand up even to myself and remind myself what I need to pay attention to in my life. So, while this task started off today talking about my leg and foot, it has been a reminder to stand up and take charge of my life and to pay attention to what I need to work on. It was my own push of myself and holding myself accountable. Sometimes we all need to do that. Today is my day.

Day 85: Who I was born to be

2010-04-19T06:45:00.002-05:00

Recently I was given the task of learning a song (on guitar and vocally) I had really only heard once or twice. The song is called "Who I was born to be." While trying to learn the song it really made me think alot about my childhood up until now. I have started to think and ask myself the question: "Am I who I was born to be?"

We need to look at our lives consistently and ask ourselves these types of questions. Why else would I have started this blog. When I started the blog I was looking at changing myself. As I continue to write this blog and take on tasks I am realizing that maybe at the end of the year of writing this blog that I will find that I really didn't change and become a new me but rather was made aware of who I was born to be instead? Maybe I will find that all along I was who I was born to be.

Today I will be driving to a county I don't normally have to work in. It will give me a great opportunity to sit and think. It will give me the opportunity to think about what I am doing, where I am going with this all, and how to continue going on with it. There have been too many days that I have "gotten off easy" on the blog and I can't keep doing that if I am totally committed to this journey. I have to start thinking more about this journey and what other areas I need to work on or what things I do positively. Is there a chance that this journey could end before the 365 days? Yes...possibly. Do I want it to end before then? No, I don't want it to end. Maybe I just need to refocus my journey. I don't know, but today and my travels will give me the opportunity to think about alot of this.

Are you who you were born to be? Are the ideals that you had when you were younger the same ideals you have now? Are you still holding on to something from your past that you don't feel you've achieved or that you haven't re-evaluated? Maybe today should be that day for you.

Day 84: Nothing to see here people...nothing to see.

2010-04-19T06:42:00.002-05:00

Sorry that there is no blog for Day 84. A migraine took over from the minute I woke up and all I wanted to do was relax for a majority of the day. It wasn't a stone wall day. Just a day of rest. I'll try and make up for it with Day 85.

Day 83: Hitting a stone wall

2010-04-17T13:43:00.002-05:00

There comes a time when you are so committed to something that you can't even think straight anymore. Today is that day.

I've been writing this blog for 83 days now and today I don't even want to write anything. I just want to get through my day without thinking about what I have to do for the day. I want to just enjoy the day.

I have hit a stone wall today. A stone wall on this journey that requires concentration and dedication. I have hit a stone wall. I am not going to say that I am going to do anything. I am just going to go about my day.

I am not stopping this blog at all in the least bit. I am just letting it stew a bit today. I am letting it just be.

Maybe tomorrow there will be a blog. Just not today. Today is stone wall day.

Day 82: Living in the moment

2010-04-16T07:00:00.003-05:00

They say life is short, so play hard. What I have been learning is that it is important to live in the moment....to live only for today...and when possible, live like you were dying. What does that mean to live like you were dying. Does it mean to spend all your money and do things that otherwise you might consider irrational. No. Rather, it means to treat people in such a way that you won't regret if today was your last day on earth.

It also means taking risks and doing things you don't normally do. It means pushing yourself to the limit. This is something that I have been trying to do more. When I learned that a friend had cancer a few weeks back, I realized that I am not getting younger. (And my body reminds me of this on a daily basis.) What have I been doing with my life? Am I living my life in such a way that I am trying only to seek reward and acknowledgement from others or am I truly enjoying life? Am I taking risks and doing things out of the ordinary? I wasn't. Now is the time. Now is the time that we take risks. (Not stupid risks like giving all your money away....) We start letting the people we love know that we love them. We let those we care about know that we care about them. We take the time now to spend time with our loved ones. And we learn to let bygones be bygones.

What is going on in your life that prevents you from living in the moment and living like you were dying? Today I enjoy myself. I am happy as I work at a great place with some interesting and some amazing people. Today really is the first day of the rest of our lives. So why not live it that way?

Day 81: Spring has sprung; bloom where you are planted

2010-04-15T07:04:00.002-05:00

What a beautiful day it was last evening thus a yard cleaning ensued. Yesterday after work we began our spring cleaning in our yard only. We figured out about half way through it was more than we could handle in one day. Regardless, we got what we could get done in one evening done and decided to revisit the task this weekend sometimes. The challenge lays in the the fact that our bodies are now so sore that we have to talk them into working the next time!!!

One of the tasks we had was to transplant several flowers and starts. It brought to mind for me the concept that we need to bloom where we are planted. What does that mean? It means that wherever you reside that you need to make the most out of it and become a beacon for others...a helper, a guide, a positive influence. This has been interesting for me to try and live.

Our neighborhood was dubbed as the "ghetto" by a sibling. (Although its not in my opinion as bad as some places I have to travel to for work.) The challenge we were faced with when we moved here was the fact that no one talked to each other. We were lucky to get to know the neighbors on either side of us and behind us. But what have we done with that relationship? Nothing.

This year things are going to change. We will get to know more neighbors...intentionally. How do you build a better and more safer neighborhood other than through getting to know the people you live next too? When we bloom where we are planted we make positive steps in revitalizing our neighborhood and in making it safer for others. Today I am going to strive to become a better person to my neighbors and in my neighborhood.

Day 80: I feel pretty, oh so pretty....

2010-04-14T06:49:00.003-05:00

There are alot of days where I get up in the morning, shower, throw on a pair of jeans and a sweater or shirt, brush my hair and off to work I go. I don't froo froo myself up by putting on makeup or a fancy hair do. I like to live simply.

But there are some days that you get up in the morning and you want to feel pretty (or for you guys reading this you won't to look handsome and suave). No matter what you do you can't pull it together and you tend to walk out the door and not be able to walk the "I look good" walk. Today though, I am going to walk out my door and I am going to walk the "I look good walk." It's important that we look at each day and want to feel like we look good, regardless of whether we are wearing a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, or a tiara and strapless dress. The "I look good walk" requires us to want to feel and look good.

Why is this important? Because we need that confidence to get through our day. Because we need to feel important in our lives. We need that rush of excitement about looking good, regardless of if one or no one actually comments on it.

Think about it. When you walk out your door feeling like a million bucks you hold your head up a little higher, your walk is a little lighter, and even the skies look brighter. We even tend to be more positive then at work. We all need that in our lives. It doesn't matter if you are a lawyer,doctor, social worker, or a garbage man. We all can do "the walk."

So often I let everything going on in my environment dictate how I feel or how I look at the world. So...today I am going to start working on building my confidence in a way. I am going to every day walk out of my front door and say to myself, "I look good!" I am going to go through my day not worrying that I don't look right or that I am being judged. I going to walk the walk.

Day 79: Believe in Miracles

2010-04-13T07:08:00.002-05:00

For some reason this morning and for the last several days I have had the phrase in my head, "Believe in Miracles." I don't know why or what that means but for some reason it just keeps coming up into my head. Sure there are a ton of ways that I could experience a miracle in my life but I don't feel that miracles can happen to or for me. So why the phrase? Just because of that....because I don't believe.

Why can't a miracle happen for me? When will it happen? Will it be something I really really want? These are questions I use to ask. What I have to realize is that if I anticipate that a miracle will happen to me I will not receive that miracle as then I will begin to think it's a right. If it's something I am wanting is it really a miracle? I don't think so. If I have the fortunate opportunity to have a miracle happen in my life it will not be in my time nor based on just because I want something.

The big thing is not whether I will have a miracle or not but rather that I begin to believe that anything is possible. As long as I trust that anything is possible I can be more open to whatever is intended for me in my life. Call it destiny or fate. Call it whatever you want. What's most in important is not what it is called but that I believe it is possible. My believing it is possible can make it possible. I need to keep my head up high and not give up. I have to believe.

Day 78: I don't know where I'm going...I only know where I've been

2010-04-12T05:52:00.003-05:00

Today I will be traveling for work to a city I don't commonly travel to and to and area I am unfamiliar with. As I spoke with my client on Friday trying to get directions, I knew that based on how he was telling me to get there that I would probably get lost. My own pride got in the way and there was no way in the world I was going to tell him that I had no idea where any of the stuff he was telling me was at. In our life, on any journey, we will run across these times. The question becomes: do you keep going hoping to find the place eventually or do you stop and ask directions?

The great thing about technology is that many people have a GPS (global positioning system) that they put in their car to help them find their way. Yesterday I obtained one to use for this trip for work today. How exciting it is that I can put in my destination and it will get me there. In our life journey we have a GPS. (Sorry for you non-religious but it's about to get "holy.") Our GPS is God (or whatever higher being you believe in.) Like a GPS we have someone (or something) telling us what our destination is and if we put trust in it, it will get us there. But like anything you have to update the connection, whether its updating the maps on the GPS or our relationship with God.

What I have to learn to do is trust in my GPS...my God positioning system. It's God's plan for my life and sometime he's going to detour me and sometimes the roads will be clear and fine. I am enjoying thinking about how this trip today is a great time for me to reconnect with God. Maybe I will keep my radio off (which I tend to do anytime I am in the car now...) and just listen to what God wants me to hear.

Where is your life headed and do you stop to ask for directions? Or do you have a "GPS" (God positioning system) in your life? It's a good way to start off the week..

Day 77: Give me a break

2010-04-11T19:37:00.002-05:00

I needed a break from things today. A little break of time, the blog, and everything. We needed time today to pray, to meditate, and to come to a point of balance today again. Lately it seems that we have been rushing around in our lives and not stopping to actually think. We live on impulse and spontaneity sometimes and it literally tires you out!

Today I also broke a box of ceramic tiles that were to be used on our kitchen floor. Also a sign to slow down. Instead of taking my time and holding on to the box correctly, I was rushing and I didn't grab it correctly. Boom it went on top of my mother-in-law's foot! Not a good thing to happen as she was also having a rough day.

Sometimes we have to slow down and not try to do ten thousand things at once. We have to take the time to spend with our furbabies (aka: our dogs.) and each other and slow down. Thus, the reason my blog today is a bit late.

Slow down today. That's why it's Sunday. In history Sunday was intended as the day of rest. So why do we do as much as we can in that one day? From now on I am going to work on making Sunday's our day of rest and enjoyment....not days of stress and work. Maybe it's something for others to think about too!

Day 76: A Day to Plant Seeds

2010-04-10T15:14:00.002-05:00

What a beautiful day it is outside today! Even if it were raining and storming I would have to say the same thing. Today is a spring day...a day where when it is sunny and decent outside, you start to plant the seeds for all the flowers and fruits and vegetables that you hope to harvest later in the year. While I started this blog today writing about planting physical seeds, today is also about planting hypothetical, symbolic seeds.

What are hypothetical, symbolic seeds? It's the seeds of influence that we put in others lives. Tonight we get to babysit our nieces and nephews. Our hopes are that something in our lives helps to influence their lives in a positive way. We also plant the seeds of how far we've come in our own growth and change into others lives. When we do this there is opportunity to continue growing more and more and more.

When we plant (physical) seeds, we do so with the hope that they will produce fruit. The same way we hope that the physical seed grows, so do we hope that the symbolic seed would to. We have to be patient and realize that it takes time for things to grow.

The seeds we plant don't have to be major things. When we do this, we put all hope in the idea that the seed will grow this great thing and we forget to nourish it and feed it. We just try to sit back and hope it'll grow. We have to start small and work our way up, nourishing it and feeding it and helping it grow.

Today I am going to make sure that I am helping those seeds that I have already planted to help grow. I am going to continue helping my nieces and nephew and trying to make a positive impact on their lives.

Go plant a seed today.

Day 75: Maintaining Motivation

2010-04-09T06:16:00.003-05:00

It's day 75. I have been writing this for 75 days now and I gotta be honest that there have been times that I have been ready to give up. The hardest part is maintaining my motivation.

Maintaining my motivation is something that is not only hard in this task of writing a blog daily, but often in other areas of my daily living. I may get excited about something but how do I maintain being motivated? Is my lack of motivation because I am tired all the time now it seems? Or is my motivation lacking because I just want to give up at times? I think right now the lack of motivation is because of physical problems.

Our environment affects our motivation. If we will our lives with people who are positive and are motivated themselves, we can stay on that path. If we have alot of people in our lives who are the eternal skeptics or are the pessimistic type and doubt their own ability to stay motivated then it affects our own abilities to stay motivated.

I am fortunate to have some people in my life, who by my being around them for a few short hours, help rejuvenate me and help me stay motivated. By being around them I can effectively move out of my occasional "bitch mode" mood.

The challenge comes from whether I make sure that I find the time to be around those people...that when I need to get that motivation that I find those people and rejuvenate myself through them. So, I guess there is such a thing as maintaining my motivation to stay motivated! Crazy, huh?

Day 74: Taking a no brainer day

2010-04-08T06:44:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we need to have a "no brainer" day. A "no brainer" day is the type of day where you don't want to have to think more than you ultimately have to. It's the kind of day where you go about doing things during the day that you normally would do out of habit but don't require you to analyze and make major decisions. For me, I want that day to be today. A "no brainer" day is important for all of us to have. We need to be able to step back from everything going on in our lives and just "be." We need the days where we don't feel we have to work hard at anything or finding flaws in our life. Today is that day for me.

Why do I need it today? Just because. Is it because I couldn't think of anything else? No. I have a few ideas of what else I could have put in here but for some reason I felt it necessary to have a no brainer day.

It's important to have these kinds of days. Otherwise, like emotions, we can struggle to find balance and it can bring us to physical problems. After crazy stressful days its sometimes important to have these days. By giving ourselves no brainer days it allows us to the rest our brains and everything else in our lives and rejuvenate. Sometimes on no brainer days I don't even want to listen to the radio, email much, or do anything where I have to make a decision.

So...today is a no brainer day and I am stopping there.

Day 73: Controlling emotions

2010-04-07T07:05:00.002-05:00

I know that I have talked in the past about control issues but this one is definitely an area I need to work on. Controlling my emotions is something I need to work on. In the past if I got upset enough I liked to find an unmovable, unhuman or animal object...many times a tree...and I would get to the point I needed to punch it. After a few bruised hands and knuckles and even a slight break across the top of my hand I knew I needed to work on my anger emotions. But this is not just about anger. It's about working on all the emotions.

What happens when I feel sorry for myself or when I am excited? I often times take each of those emotions to an extreme. When I feel sorry for myself I tend to retreat and get very tearful and it really affects my sleep. When I am excited I tend to want to tell everyone. I think it even verges on bragging. So how do I find a middle ground? That I am not sure of.

Sure, I have been blogging on here for 73 days now and I usually have an answer. Today I don't. Mentally, its taking alot on me as I know that this has been an issue that I have wanted to work on but wasn't ready to deal with. So how do I balance emotions without going to an extreme? How do I not hold in everything (which of course can cause physical problems) while also not going overboard on the emotions? It's a struggle that I think alot of people deal with.

It's a new beginning today. It's now about figuring out how to begin it.

Day 72: Hold you heads up high, Bulldogs!

2010-04-06T07:10:00.002-05:00

Last night I sat, although I had not intended to, and watched the NCAA Championship game of Duke vs. Butler. After an intense extremely close game, Duke won by one basket in the last minute of the game. As the game ended, I was impressed to see the dignity and sportsmanship that the Butler team displayed. They didn't start cussing or crying like babies. They went forward and congratulated the Duke players and coach. They became a lesson to dignity to all out there who watched last night.

While most people will think that sportsmanship is just something that you have when you are playing a sport or a game, it actually is important in our everyday life. How often have I been jealous of someone who achieved higher than I did at something? How often did I walk away and sulk? Why could I not let the other person enjoy their glory? I noticed, after watching the game last night, just how often I step in and try to achieve attention when I should be allowing another person to enjoy the glory. I sulk and I don't walk away holding my head up high. Rather, I hold a grudge. I pout. I am a poor sport about it.

Today, while I am supposed to be working on the positive things in my life that I accomplish, I am going to work on being a good sport to others. I am going to allow others to enjoy the limelight for their accomplishments.

For now, congratulations Butler Bulldogs for being such good sports. Keep holding your heads up high. You may not have a trophy to place in a cabinet, but remember that your dignity will not gather dust like that trophy will.

Day 71: Is my arm long enough?

2010-04-05T07:06:00.002-05:00

Just a couple of days ago I spoke about making sure that I write on this blog about the good things I do in my life...the positives of my life. As I sat thinking about that this morning I realized how much of a challenge that would be. I have a hard time talking about the things I do well in my life as I don't like to be a bragger or anything like that. Soon I realized that the only way to boost my self-esteem and make it through the rest of the days of this blog was to acknowledge the positives. So, I will try to pat myself on the back...the question is, is my arm long enough?

One of the things in my life that I feel is a positive in my life is my creativity. I sometimes can be the kind of person who gets cramped always thinking "inside the box." I enjoy changing things up after awhile. (I hate keeping our furniture in the same spots all the time...) I tend to try and do it creatively and out of the norm. A few years ago when we started painting our living room from the boring white to a mix of a couple colors I decided I needed to paint it more than 2 colors. When I took the risk of it possibly looking horrendous, it turned out to look wonderful.

Why do we have to look outside of the box once in a while? If we don't, we become so stagnant and it can turn people off. Plus...when I change around the furniture we can get all the dust and hairballs we normally miss in our regular cleaning and dusting episodes! While thinking inside the box is important as well, in order to get ahead you often have to think outside the box and be creative. Creativity motivates me. So...I pat myself on the back this morning for my positive attribute of creativity.

Day 70: We are family...

2010-04-04T07:05:00.002-05:00

Today's blog just happens upon Easter this year. Easter is a holiday I use to hate, primarily for non religious types of reasons. Instead of gifts that lasted very long like Christmas instead you got candy. And generally, that candy was gone within a few hours to a few days. We ate eggs and had food that I had a great dislike for (except for that wonderful Polish sausage) and the church service was such a long service on a Saturday night. Yikes!

As I have grown older, the candy concept has become less a part of my life, especially as a childless couple, and maybe out of habit my liking for Easter has remained fairly the same. I realize its the culmination of my religious faith and all and that Jesus died for our sins..I don't dispute that. But the excitement isn't there.

This year, today specifically, Easter is about family. Today most of my family will be getting together at my brother and his wife's house. My sister-in-law has already prepared and hidden the eggs for the kids to find. The thoughts of the joy on the little one's face as they look for the eggs is what motivates me today. Nothing is more innocent then the life of a child.

As I say that, I begin to think that Easter is about more than Jesus dying to save our sins. It's about re-birth or even new birth. It's about the innocence that we all have the ability to have again in our life. It's about forgiving and forgetting and moving forward. It's about family.

So, while not everyone will be there, most of us will. And today I will remember how my past sins and misgivings are forgiven and how I am able to be like a child again. (But it didn't hurt that my husband bought me some Dove chocolates this year!) Happy Easter everyone.

Days 68 and 69: Did you miss me?

2010-04-03T08:36:00.002-05:00

I am sure that some of you who normally read my blog may have missed yesterdays blog. You might have even thought that I finally snapped and gave up...that I failed. I did not give up. I didn't fail. I did it intentionally.

The other day I started to re-evaluate the tasks I had set forth over the last 65 days and on day 67 I started to look at the tasks that I needed to work on more. I realized that it meant taking a break and stepping back and looking at why I am doing this blog. Was the reason that I started this an continued on for the right reason? Was I truly wanting to change and make a difference? What was I doing?

So, yesterday I took a break and and looked at my life. So much has been going on that now I have a headache today! I want to change but maybe I need to evaluate how I am doing it. There aren't 365 tasks in my life that I need to change. But what I hadn't been doing that I need to start doing is also blogging the things that I am good at in my life...the things that are positives in my life. If I look at only the negative things I need to change and not look at the positive things in my life that I have to continue then I am not making the right changes in my life and its easy to become bitter and negative.

Life is a series of balances....a yin and a yang. This is what I need to do with my life and the changes that I need to make in it. I need to change the negative and reinforce the positive. So, starting today I will pat myself on the back when necessary (although not to be conceited though) and I will acknowledge my faults and flaws. From this point forward I will balance. I will have the yin and the yang.

Thank you for all being here and being readers daily to this blog and supporting me.

Day 67: Looking back at what I struggle with most

2010-04-01T07:10:00.002-05:00

As I write this today I am being reminded of the last 67 days. As I looked back at all the tasks I have written about over the last 67 days I was amazed at how I could critique almost each task I had written....how I saw how I had failed at nearly all of them. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to evaluate myself. No...it was a good idea. It's a good idea because I need to work on these areas...that's the whole reason for the blog.

One of the areas I noticed that I need to revisit here in the future is my ability to step back and take a breath. Back in February that was one of my tasks. It followed shortly after letting go of grudges and trusting others....two other tasks that I seem to be challenged by daily. Anger...another area I need to work on. (If you could have only been in the car with me when I nearly got run off the road two days ago you'd have heard words that don't come from the mouth of a former nun!) What is it about these areas that are so challenging?

I believe that partially the problem with all of the areas that I haven't been super successful at is that I was falling into my old bad habits at times. It's important that I remember that this is a journey. I want to see a difference in the end. We don't start diets with the idea of "maybe I will lose weight." Rather, we enter those types of things with a hope that there will be great change. Should working to change my life a day at a time be any different? No.

Some of you may be disappointed that this blog today is short. Re-evaluating the past 67 days is alot more than I thought it would be. With it being holy week, tomorrow I will be more likely not talking about the good, but following up more with the areas I need to work on. It's alot more in depth than I thought it would be. So hang in there with me everyone.

Day 66: Evaluating progress

2010-03-31T06:22:00.002-05:00

A wise woman who reads my blog (you know who you are...and I'm not trying to suck up!!) told me yesterday that what I should consider doing sometime is evaluating how far I've come in this journey. As a result of this conversation I have decided to do that over the next 3 days. Today, my plans are to start looking back at my past blog entries to assess how I have been doing. Then over the course of the following two days I will be blogging on one day about the ones I have done well at and the ones I haven't done so well at.

Is the reason I am doing this because I couldn't think of any other topic to do...well, partially. I have to be honest about that. But the main reason for doing this is because we need to re-evaluate our journey and the tasks we put in our life. I know that I spoke about taking charge and re-evaluating our goals recently. This task is different in that I am holding myself accountable to continue my improving.

As I begin today to look at the tasks that I have had over the last 66 days, its time that all of you as readers and supporters also look at the last 66 days in your lives. How has my blog affected your life? Has it made you ask yourself questions about your own life? Have you been more aware of areas in your life that you didn't normally look at?

However my blog has helped you or affected you, I challenge you to re-evaluate yourself and your journey. What are ares in your life that you need to work on? What are areas that you have done well in? My blog is about more than just the writing of it...it's about the journey to change. Thanks for being there with me on it.

Day 65: Taking charge

2010-03-30T06:24:00.002-05:00

In the past I have written about not letting people walk all over me. As I have worked on this topic I have been reminded how important it is that once I have more confidence in myself and stop letting people walk all over me that I must start taking charge. But not only is the "taking charge" task a part of places like work and home, but taking charge also involves me taking charge with my self.

Sometimes it seems that I have a second person inside of me. You know...the person who wimps out on anything. The person who tries to be a voice of reason. The person who introverts around people. Part of this journey is trying to get those two people...the me I have been and the me I want to be...in balance. The yin and the yang.

In obtaining balance it requires sometimes doing things that I haven't been comfortable doing before. (Yeah...that darn fear thing...) In order to make my taking charge be effective with others, I must first be able to do it to myself. If I am able to be wishy washy with myself and back off or question myself, how will I be able to take charge outside of myself with others? This is something I need to work with. If I can't take charge with others at time and continue to be wishy washy on my decisions with others, how will I obtain credibility? I have to stand my ground. I may be wrong, but so what? Isn't everyone wrong sometimes? I have to remember that my opinion is my opinion and I have a right to that.

Stand my ground today...take charge. It's about time I finally do that.

Day 64: Re-evaluating Goals

2010-03-29T06:55:00.002-05:00

There often comes a time that we are faced with re-evaluating our values and our belief systems. Along the lines with that comes re-evaluating our goals. Today is the day that I begin doing that all over again.

What is it in my life, goal wise, that I have achieved? So much has been going on that it has left me completely tired in all facets of my life. I could fall asleep throughout the day. I walk into places and forget why I am going in there and feel like curling up in a ball in the middle of the store and taking a nap. Have I brought all this on myself? Probably. So what do I do about it?

I re-evaluate my goals. I need to see what my limits are and don't try to push my life to that point. I have to assess what my main objective is in life. It's something we need to do on a regular basis. What was most important in my life a few years ago is not always what was most important in my life. Once I re-evaluate what's important in my life I need to make sure that my husband is on the same page with me. I have learned that it's important that if there is someone important in my life that I want to remain there, I need to make sure they share in that same view of my goals as I do. Without his support I would not make it. I wouldn't be able to achieve my goals.

Life is a series of reevaluating everything in life. Today is just another day. Another day to set a goal and get through. Isn't that what this journey is all about? It's about waking up each day and realizing that I am a different person than the day before.

Day 63: Turning off the computer...its family time

2010-03-28T17:08:00.004-05:00

Recently I have been spending a slew of time on my laptop while sitting on the couch and watching tv. I am quite the multi-tasker when it comes to knowing whats on tv and typing at the same time. However, I have to say that I tend not to pay attention to anything else then. So today, this blog is going to be fairly short as I am going to be turning off the computer ans spending more time with my family...in other words, my husband and our 2 dogs.

I thrive knowledge and learning and I tend to use the Internet for just that...knowledge and learning. You ask me a question and if I don't know it I look it up until I know so much about it that it's annoying. However, it affects my communication with others. Today I recognize how important it is to shut down the computer sometimes and spend time with family. Life is too short to spend it on the computer and not "being" with others.

So that's it. Shut down your computer right now. Go sit with that important person in your life. Put your hand in theirs or your arm around them. Look them in the eyes and just be there with them. I know for me I'd hate to remember more about my laptop than my husband and family. It's time to take a break from it today.

Day 62: Facing the truth

2010-03-27T06:47:00.002-05:00

In everyone's life there are things we all have to face. They aren't fears, rather, they are facts and truths. For instance, its a fact I am getting older. It's a fact that as I get older I have more pains. It's a fact that if I live in Indiana that at some point during a 365 day time frame there will be snow. But these are facts that I can deal with. There are other truths that I have to begin dealing with. So, today, is about remembering the past but facing the truth now.

One of the things that I have to face is the fact that people around me that I love or care greatly about are also aging. My grandmother's health is declining. She and I have been close. While I know that she is 94, there has always been this image of her in my life and in my mind of the days when she was very spry and active and helping me grow. While I am an adult and I know that I am, something happens when I am around my grandma and I want to be that little girl again. It's a great feeling, but not realistic. Now I am having to be the adult and help care for her. Never did I think that would ever happen.

This is just an example of the realities that I have to be more alert to. It's not about forgetting the past but rather stop dwelling on the great past memories that I wish were realistic now and instead take advantage of the future and make memories. In a flash she could be gone and then what would I have left to remember? Her during her weakest days now? No...I won't let that happen. Rather, I will sit with her and converse and learn from her while I still have these opportunities.

Day 61: After forgiveness

2010-03-26T17:40:00.002-05:00

It's nearing the end of the day and for the first time since I started this blog I almost didn't get a blog on here today. I'd like to make excuses but know that I can't make them, even if they are true. It's was just to much of a day. Today my mom had surgery, I was exhausted from the week, and I couldn't even focus enough to find my car in a parking lot at CVS. Overwhelming at the least.

But today's topic is not about my ability to focus or remembering where I parked my car. Rather today is about what happens after you've given forgiveness. You see, yesterday I learned about a friend's diagnosis of Cancer....inoperable cancer. They have yet to determine how much time she has left but she does know that she's not going to go through chemo or radiation as she said that she is ready for death since having lost her spouse 4 years ago. The thing about this friend is that just 2 1/2 years ago I couldn't call her friend because I had such anger towards her for some past indiscretions that I truly hated her. Somehow I learned to forgive her.

When I forgave this (now) friend, there was years and years of pent up anger and resentment towards her that I had been having trouble letting go of. It had made me bitter towards her anytime I saw her and I wouldn't give her the time of day. I still don't know what brought me to the point of forgiving her, but 2 1/2 years ago I wrote her a letter and told her that I had been angry with her and had held her accountable to my emotional state. I forgave her...and I let her know that. She never sought the forgiveness, but for me to move on in my life I had to do that...I had to forgive her.

Slowly over the last year and a half she and I have spoken on occasion and have come to a point of a relationship where I can speak to her and not feel intimidated anymore. She sees me as an adult now and I appreciate that.

But now that I have forgiven her and have gotten to know her, what's next? Now I find out about the cancer and I how am I supposed to feel? I am saddened by the fact that she has this diagnosis. It's not like we would become BFF's (Best Friends Forever) or anything like that but we talk now and she shares with me more than she use to. I felt last night as I found this out that I was so glad that I had given the forgiveness a couple years ago already as I am glad that I could give the forgiveness on my own time and terms...and not because I was feeling I had to dole it out just because she had cancer.

So where do I go from here with this? How do I process the news? What happens after forgiveness? I guess this is a question I have to keep asking myself as I am not quite sure. Usually I just sit back and the relationship doesn't change. Do I really want that to be this way this time around? Maybe I need to work on assessing how I interact with people and what the true meaning is of forgiveness.

And maybe...just maybe...all this stuff floating in my head was why I couldn't find my car this morning when I was staring right at it!

Day 60: Leader Sheep

2010-03-25T06:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was so jam packed that I am struggling today to physically be ready to handle anything but I know it all must be done. Today will be a busy day and generally when I am as exhausted as I am I try to be a follower as opposed to a leader. And of all days, today I need to lead. I need to lead at work. I need to lead in my social life. I need to lead in my spiritual community. I have to be a leader sheep.

Why do I have to be a leader sheep? If I don't I will feel as though I failed at something or that someone else got the best of me. I have to be a leader in order to maintain my pride and confidence in myself. It's tough to do, especially when you don't want to physically. But I have to prove myself at all times.

We all have to work at being leaders in our life. Otherwise we tend to step back and let others walk on us. Are there complications to this and consequences? Yes. We aren't going to please everyone all the time and I tend to try to please everyone. Instead, I have to accept that not everyone will like my leadership skills. It won't keep me from trying though.

Day 59: EEEEKKK!!!! People!!!!!

2010-03-24T06:07:00.002-05:00

Today is a big day at work as we have an open house. Even as I write this I am sitting at work awaiting with anticipation the crowds of people that could potentially come through the door. So, I sit here nervously, anxiously awaiting these people. The introvert in me takes hold and fear sets in and my stomach starts to hurt.

Many people think of me as an extroverted individual. Realistically I am actually quite introverted but over the years I have forced myself to be more extroverted in order to fit in and succeed in my career. Today I have to take all that I have learned in the past and put it into action. Many of these people may be people I know from various aspects of my career but it still doesn't keep the nerves at bay. Today, I am going to work at being more extroverted. I am going to work at calming the nervous stomach, the fears, the sweat that might roll down my temples. Regardless, I won't let the others know that I have this fear. (Although one of my colleagues may read this and know but she is always sworn to secrecy about these types of things.)

So today I will work on my extrovertedness. What keeps me going is my desire to succeed well in this position I am in now.

Day 58: It's not all about me

2010-03-23T06:55:00.002-05:00

Today is a busy day. A horribly busy day. Tomorrow at work we are having a big event which we anticipate will help boost the business. Today we prepare for it physically while trying to complete our work. I have been so swamped with so many different things that I haven't had the chance to catch up with stuff I have felt I needed to get done. Today I am going to try and complete that all. But that's my task. My task is realizing that my goals of the day are not about me but rather they need to be about me paying attention of the needs of others.

With today being so busy, (as well as other days like today), I often lose site of what others needs around me...and most specifically Jeff's needs. I tend to work on adrenaline and expect others to do the same around me. Today I need to look at the fact that not everyone works on the same sense or energy (or sometimes lack there of) as I do. So today I am going to slow down for the people that I need to slow down for and speed up for the people that I need to speed up for. Today I am going to make sure that the people with needs around me have their needs met but also prioritize what needs to be prioritize.

It's not that I am going to push things back and forgot things. No, I want to get things done, I just know that I have to prioritize which things must be done today while gathering time for those who need that time and needs me to slow down.

So, this probably sounds confusing. But it makes all the sense in the world to me. (Plus I have ten thousand things running through my head that I need to do.) Off to work I go to start the craziness.

Day 57: Born to be wild...

2010-03-22T07:02:00.002-05:00

Sitting down to write this blog today I started to shake my head and begin to wonder if I am going to be able to make it through til next January. It's exhausting writing this blog when I write it in the morning and sometimes I have wondered if its really worth it. And then it came to me...today's topic/task. It's attitude.

Our attitude is what causes some of our issues. If we live with an attitude that we are the everything (or as a friend put it, "we are the sh**") then we are bound and determined to negatively affect some relationships. Maybe we don't care about those relationships, whether they be personal or professional, but our attitude about them affects the environment then that we work and play in.

I was reminded yesterday when I was critiquing Jeff about something and he got defensive. I sat thinking...."Wild attitude, dude!?!?" So I said to him, "I don't know why you have such attitude today!" I realized later in the day that my attitude about whatever it was that I had brought to his attention earlier was what sparked the attitude that he had back. Sometimes we can't really fight fire with fire. Sometimes sugar actually helps put it out!

How in my life has my attitude affected someone else? I'm not saying that I need to change who I am or who I am becoming to fit into someone else's mold of who I am. Rather, the point is that I need to be more attentive to how the attitude I display causes the attitude from others. It happens to all of us, regardless of us realizing it or not.

Is my intention with my interaction and attitude towards something or someone how I intend it to be? Am I prepared for the response back or the effect of what I say or do or how I act? Am I surprised when the response is not how I anticipated it to be? These are questions I am going to start asking myself more today. It doesn't mean that I have to like the person who I display a negative attitude to. I just have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of my attitude and the actions caused by it.

Day 56: Letting go of the Remote

2010-03-21T07:38:00.002-05:00

It's NCAA March Madness time. An while I like basketball, like everything, too much of somethings can be too much. I tend to wish my husband would fall asleep early or sleep in late just for the mere fact I could have the remote and watch what I really want to watch. Today I am going to begin working on let me husband have the remote.

Why is it that I don't like letting my husband have the remote? Because he flips the channels and never stops...for over an hour...unless its sports on that he wants to watch. He fits in well with my parents as they are sports freaks. They watch very few "regular" tv shows at night except for the news as their lives are filled with sports 365 days a year. While I like sports, at some point in my day it is just too much for me to watch it all the time. I need something no brainer and where I don't have to root for one team to win over the other.

For my Jeff though, he enjoys sports. He stated one time that for him, sports are real and he needs this real activity to unwind. For him, I see him smile, get excited, and even laugh at times when sports are on. And yet, I so many times try to control wheat we watch, which in then unconsciously to me though, tries to control who he is.

Today I am going to start working on letting him have the remote more and to let him watch sports. I don't want to control my husband...I want to be equal. I want to share in what passions him as he shares in what gives me passion. So, while today's topic was about letting him have the remote, it's really about sharing in the passions of my husband. And sharing in the passions of others in my life.

You can often tell what passions another person. It's the thing that fires them up, that puts the glint in their eye, and that even changes their breathing and what puts an extra bounce in their step. Today I am going to start paying attention to what passions other people and help them stay motivated to their passions. I know what passions me and recently one person telling me that I motivated them helped keep me going with my passion. So, it's time I pay it forward a bit and help others stay connected to their passions.

So, today Jeff, you can have the remote.

Day 55: Feeling Alive Again

2010-03-20T07:33:00.002-05:00

If you've been reading my blog for the last couple of days you know that I have been talking about emotions, death, and frustrations. Today I, with the help of my husband have decided that today should be about feeling alive again. (Don't ask Jeff why he said as he said it came to him after drinking an energy drink and 2 cups of coffee!)

Alot of this week has been about dealing with the death of a close family friend...a young man who we all feel left this world too early. Last night, as we sat celebrating Jeff's grandfather's 86th birthday, I was reminded how important it is to celebrate life. Today, we celebrate with my family my nephew's 4th birthday as well as one of my siblings turned another year older today as well. So...while we will be attending the funeral today we need to remember what that funeral is a celebration of: LIFE! I was reminded yesterday by someone wise that the funeral service itself is not a final goodbye but rather a celebration of the resurrection of the person who has passed. We as humans grieve and cry at the funeral because of two things: 1. We are sad we will no longer see the physical manifestation of that person who passed; and 2. We are happy that the person we lost is going to be rising to a much better life than what we have here on earth.

Regardless of what religion you are (unless you are atheist) you believe there is an afterlife. My belief tells me that regardless of how the individual died, they still have a potential to have been forgiven of their sins at the point of death and to be in heaven with God. How lucky that person is to be free of the pain and struggle that exists here on earth! So..in a way...I am jealous...thus, I cry at funerals.

Celebrating the birthdays we celebrate this time of year, on the first day of Spring, reminds us that new life exists. New life exists even in an 86 yr old body as we witnessed Jeff's grandfather yesterday blow out ALL the candles on his cake. Okay...okay...so there were only 8 candles, but for 86 yr old lungs that was pretty good! Today we celebrate my nephew Dewey's 4th birthday. Dewey was the miracle child for my sister. He was conceived the same day (they think) as when my Grandfather died and he proves by his childlike ways just how much of a miracle he is every day.

Today, while I am going to be sad about the funeral, I am going to celebrate life. I am going to celebrate miracles that happen. I am going to celebrate our friend's rising up on this last day. I am going to celebrate the smiles of my nephew and the health of Jeff's grandfather and I am going to feel alive! Is their any better of a day than the first day of spring to start feeling alive again? I think not.

Day 54: Doing Something About It

2010-03-19T07:56:00.002-05:00

I am fired up today. Not necessarily fired up angry or frustrated...well, maybe a little frustrated. I am fired up about an issue. An issue that keeps reappearing in my life. I am fired up about a cause that seems to get pushed under the carpet because of the stigma associated with it. I am fired up about suicide.

I have lost several people in my life to suicide. And I am not embarrassed to say that on two different occasions in my life it was something I considered...all the way down to having a full bottle of pills in my hand that I figured would allow me a peaceful death. I am not that same person anymore. Suicide is not the answer.

In the past I would get fired up about a cause and then it would die down. Why do I let that happen? I have noticed that when we let something that stirs up like that die down then we voyage away from participating in promoting awareness. When awareness wanes so does the likelihood then that someone who needs our help may likely choose the route of taking their life rather than seeking help. I can't let that happen anymore.

Did you know that almost a million people a year commit suicide in the world? (879,000 to be exact..). If each of these people has at least one other person in their life, then another almost million people are affected and so on. I gotta do something. To personally know 3 people in the last 7 years who took their own life is 3 too many people.

Today I am going to work on maintaining this motivation and doing something about it. Who's in it with me?

Day 53: Annoying people

2010-03-18T06:51:00.002-05:00

Yes...today I am already looking ahead to the day. Today I know that I am going to have to deal with one or two annoying people. (I won't say in what capacity I will have to deal with them out of respect and privacy for them.) Just thinking about it is already making my skin crawl. When I think about it, I start to feel that blood vessel in my head start to pulse, my breathing changes, and I envision grabbing the person by the shoulders and shaking them and saying, "shut up...you are so freakin annoying!"

Why is it that these people bother me? What about it makes every emotion in me go on edge? Is it that I find myself in thse type of people? Oh, God...I hope not! Is it that I can't control them? Nope...not that either. Is it that they are blind to what everyone else sees going on around them? Yeah....probably. Whatever it is, it is annoying.

Today I am going to work on being a little more understanding and controling the desire to slap the person silly or lock them in a room with Forest Gump repeating off all the types of Shrimp there are! Today I am going to begin working on communicating with these individuals better and being honest with them...although in a nice way. Today I will take a deep breathe and count to 10 and then start speaking when these things happen.

I am sure that some of you can imagine someone like the above described people. How do you handle annoying people? What tools can you share with me?

Day 52: Allowing emotions

2010-03-17T07:46:00.002-05:00

I apologize if this email takes on a somber mood today. Yesterday afternoon we learned of the death of a 24 yr old young man who was a friend of the family. Well, to say friend of the family is not really strong enough of a word. To my dad this young man and his two siblings were like adopted grandchildren. This young man was always kind and would give you he shirt off his back. His death has been overwhelming and shocking to say the least. How could this happen?

Regardless of what happened or why, today I am focusing on the task of being more aware of our emotions and allowing ourselves to feel our emotions.

What happens when we don't allow ourselves to feel emotions (regardless if they are good or bad)? First, we bottle it up inside ourselves. Then we try to avoid feeling them or repress the feeling and deny that we feel that way to others. Regardless of if its good and happy or exciting feelings or sad, negative feelings, if we keep it all inside, it affects us physically for a longer amount of time than if we allow the emotions to occur. When you bottle up happy and good feelings, the excitement is enough to make you sick to your stomach. When you bottle your unhappy feelings physically you also can become sick to the stomach, exhausted, drained, and even bitter.

We have to allow ourselves to feel feelings...to feel emotions. Letting out our emotions allows for health and better capability to deal with the same issues should they occur in the future. Why not go out to a field and let out a good yell or scream at the top of your lungs? Why not hug someone (appropriately of course) when you are happy? Why not cry when you feel sad?

Today, I am going to allow myself to feel the emotions of dealing with all the things that have occurred in my life over the last week. I am going to be happy about decisions that I have made over the last week, I am going to be frustrated about things beyond my control, and I am going to be sad about the loss of such a great young man.

Jacob...we'll miss you.

Day 51: Life is simple; why do I make it so complex?

2010-03-16T06:21:00.002-05:00

Last night I was watching a tv show that had three motivational speakers on it , James Van Der Praagh (spiritual medium), Chris Gardner ("Pursuit of Happyness" claim), and Bill Rancic (Donald Trump's first winner on The Apprentice). The message each individual brought to the crowd they were speaking to was that life was actually simple but that we make it tough. We make it tough by allowing situations to control our lives and cause us anxiety and stress. I realized yesterday that I was doing that.

It's not a question of letting go and letting God, rather its a question of how I perceive the situation that is put in front of me. If I look at it as a challenge then that's what it will be and I will treat it as such and allow it to affect my mood and behavior. If I see it as something good, then I am more likely to be relaxed and not let it affect me overall. It's the same with people. If I perceive someone as negative I will treat them as such and not give them the benefit of the doubt. If I perceive them as positive (which is both good and bad) I can either put too much reliance on them and have something collapse in my face or I can see reward in their activities.

So the big question then is why do I look at situations to heavily and complex? Why not take each second, each situation, and each person for what they are at exactly that moment? Why not keep it simple?

There is a saying, " Keep it simple stupid," that I use to hear when I was younger as a method of writing. So why am I not using that in my everyday life. Keeping it simple was the message last night that each of those speakers spoke. Maybe with keeping things simple in life it'll allow me to enjoy life more and worry less; have more fun and stress less. I need to live in the moment and take each moment knowing that those moments won't return as in a minute that moment will already be the past.

Wow!! Deep for 7:30 in the morning, eh? It must have been that great night of sleep last night! Remember...keep things simple and you won't have too much baggage to carry with you throughout the day. Don't you get tired from carrying so much luggage?

Day 50: Listen....

2010-03-15T08:06:00.002-05:00

I woke up early this morning, not used to the time change yet and unable to sleep. I blame it on the "new-to-us" mattress and sleeping in it for the first time. This morning I actually felt alert and awake and ready to just tell others how my weekend was. Then I realized that I talk WAY TOO MUCH!

Today my task is to be a better listener to others. By being a better listener we can better understand where a person is coming from, what they are feeling, and even how to respond back in a compassionate way. Sometimes others need to vent and they need someone to listen to. I realized recently how often I vent to a couple of friends of mine and how little I tend to listen. It's time now. I will work on zipping my lips and openning my ears.

I know this is short today and some of you may think its my way of getting out of doing a much longer blog. It's not. It's just that it's my time to start listening to you.

Day 49: Believe in Miracles

2010-03-14T08:48:00.002-05:00

Throughout my life I always hoped that a miracle could occur for me, but would watch others have miracles happen for them. Soon I would become the pessimist and start to think that miracles were really only situations that others were able to make happen in their own lives because of determination as opposed to the divine gifts that I always thought miracles were. Miracles didn't happen to me.

Was it something I had done that God would not send a miracle my way? I even began to look for the little things in my life, hoping that in some way God would have put a miracle in there somewhere. Was I just not looking close enough or was I hoping to hard?

Today I am going to work on believing that miracles can still happen to me. Believing that anything can happen is important. I know that God loves me so I have to trust that God will allow me a miracle when the time is right. Regardless though, we have to do our part in helping make miracles occur. We have to have faith. We have to not give up. We have to believe. That will be my motto today.

Day 48: Dream a little Dream for me

2010-03-13T07:18:00.002-06:00

Recently I read that we should believe in other people's dreams. My first inclination was to be jealous. Why should I be excited and believe and encourage someone else's dreams when I can't get mine to happen? Then I backtracked and realized how selfish that sounded.

Why is it important to believe in other people's dreams? If we don't believe that other people can achieve what we also dream then we risk losing belief in our own dreams. Negativity swoops in and we set a course in our lives to fail at our dreams. For me, I get jealous of what other people dream. And then when their dreams come true I get even worse...even so much as not wanting to be around them and not talking with them sometimes. Well, it's time I believe in others dreams as well. By being happy for others and their dreams coming true it can only help me to believe that my dreams are possible.

I have a dream that may actually be finally coming true. Something that I have hoped for and dreamt about for some time now. The path of this dream happening and coming true is only beginning and there is a long road ahead for it but at least there is hope in this dream. So, today, when someone shares with me their dreams, I am going to be happy for them, encourage them, and believe in them. And maybe, just maybe, it will bring the positive energy to making my dreams become a reality one step closer.

I have a dream...

Day 47: Assertiveness

2010-03-12T06:48:00.002-06:00

My husband said to me the other day that he had the perfect task for me as it was a task that he himself felt he needed to accomplish. The task you may ask? Assertiveness. So, why would I listen to him and use this as a topic? Because he is right. (There...I said it. Don't let him know I said it!)

Recently I have had to deal with a situation where I am in a leadership position that I need to use assertiveness. For some reason, I develop a wall of fear that gets in the way of me taking the control that I need to take, (control not out of choice but out of assigned responsibility). What have I done? I've put up a wall and attempted to avoid the situation at times. But not anymore. Today I start with the assertiveness.

There is a way to be assertive and then there is a way to allow all the frustration and other issues that have developed to take over and things be said that shouldn't be said. I have to learn today to do that. I have to learn to trust my instincts with this situation and give the task and stick to my guns. I need to have confidence in myself and what I know is right and what has to be done based on the responsibility assigned to me. I know I can do this. I just have to continue to believe.

Day 46: Holding On

2010-03-11T07:47:00.002-06:00

While today's title sounds like my task today would be about letting go of things, it's not. After about 2 1/2 hours of sleep, a sore throat developing over the last 24 -48 hours and alot of stuff that has been going through my head I began to think this morning as I sat down to write this blog that maybe I was nearing my breaking point. That's when I realized that what's most important is realizing that I am at that point so that I can do something about it.

We all have days like this. Some of us probably more than others, but regardless, we all have them. It's the kind of day where you get annoyed at the littlest things and you keep telling yourself that if a certain someone (could be a coworker, a spouse, a sibling, or even an acquaintance) does something a certain way it's going to bring you to the breaking point and you'll explode.

Today is about holding on and not exploding. It's about maintaining some sense of calm in my daily activities and counting to 10. It's about remembering that some things aren't worth exploding about.

So, this is a short one today sort of. But I know that I need to take the tame and breathe today. To step away from my frustrations and maybe not blog about it too much and say something I will regret later. It's about holding on to sanity today and taking each moment a minute or a second at a time.

Day 45: Failure with a capital "F"

2010-03-10T06:31:00.002-06:00

I know that the topic of failure is something that I have blogged about before. In the past I blogged about the fact that I fear failure. The fear of failure alone would cause me physical illness and even anxiety. I realize now, since originally writing about it, that failing is an important part of our life. Failure has to occur many times in order for us to re-evaluate our lives and our directions.

Am I saying that I am failing at something and thus the reason for this blog? No, although recently I have felt in different scenarios that I sometimes set myself up for failure. Like today. Today I began sitting at this computer beginning to hate that I started this blog...that I have to come up with something to talk about for the entire 365 days....that I now have people following who expect a blog each day that they can read. Why did I do this to myself? The more I tell myself that I need to do this I tend to try and talk myself out of it doing it. Did I set myself up to fail by starting this or what?

And I realize that I didn't set myself up for failure with this. Rather, now is the tough time. Now is the time that I have to really work hard at this blog and at these topics. I am not failing, rather, I am being challenged. I am being faced daily with a challenge that I need to either choose to accept or choose to fail at. Failure can be a choice. We can choose to give up. But I don't want to give up. I want to succeed at something. I want to reach the goal and look back at the journey or the race and know that I made it. I made it through the shin splints and the pot holes and the fatigue of doing it and I kept going.

This is something I need to be aware of daily. You know the saying, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Well, today I am going to change that. Instead, my new motto will be when the going gets tough, the tough get blogging. This blog holds me accountable and I am not giving up. I just needed to keep saying that. I needed to keep reminding myself. I am doing this not for everyone reading this. At some point I started to think about what the readers of the blog wanted to hear and not what I needed to be doing to keep going on this journey. I began to fear that I might keep blogging and no one would want to read this. Then...would I fail? No. I am not going to let that happen. I am going to write for me and my journey and hope and pray that you all stay with me.

Call this blog a lack of a good nights rest or whatever today. I just know that today is not my giving up day! Ever onward!

Day 44: Being more flexible than Stretch Armstrong

2010-03-09T07:15:00.003-06:00

As a kid there was a toy called Stretch Armstrong where he was this gel filled rubbery muscularly shaped bodied toy that you could stretch as far as you could pull him and he'd (supposedly) never break. You could tie his arms up and eventually he'd return to his normal size. The key selling point of Stretch was that he was super flexible. Our lives have to be like Stretch was...flexible.

I often go about my days with a plan in mind and how things are to flow. In a away, it keeps my anxiety down and it helped me look forward to special events. What I am learning is that its important to be flexible. For example: this past Saturday my nieces were going to spend the day with us. I was looking forward to playing the Wii with them and maybe doing some baking or having fun in the kitchen with them. Unfortunately, Saturday is when my grandmother ended up back in the hospital and we spent more of the day getting things figured out about getting her back and forth from the Urgent Care clinic to the hospital and getting her medical info correctly recorded that our time was limited and we didn't get to do what we wanted originally to do. Flexibility.

I am learning so often that if plans are made or made to early, Murphy's law says that something will throw a wrench in it all. If I let it bother me, I can't save the situation and try and make the best out of it. If I don't let it bother me, I can begin to see the good in the situation we are thrown into. So...it's flexibility.

Even at work we have to be flexible. I have learned that so often, a patient will not arrive at the time they say they will, people will forget to do what they say they will do, and someone is going to demand something that may need to take precedence over something you are currently doing. Flexibility. That's what it's all about. So...today I will work on being a more flexible person and I will not get frazzled about things beyond my control. (oh...there...I said the "c" word. That's really what it's all about, isn't it?)

Day 43: Seeing beyond what's in front of you

2010-03-08T06:50:00.002-06:00

In the movie Patch Adams there is a scene where Robin William's character goes to the room (at the mental institution) of another patient who holds up his hand with 4 fingers up and asks Patch Adams, "How many fingers?" Patch responds "4." The patient, disgusted says "No!" It's only once Patch takes his focus off looking at the hand and starts to see beyond just the hand that he sees the image of 8 fingers that the other patient wants him to see. The point of that event was that the patient, who had been a genius, wanted Patch to see beyond what was right in front of him. We, in our own lives, are like Patch Adams....we need to see beyond what is right in front of us.

Today this is my task. With all the chaos that occurs in our daily life, sometimes we only see and hear what is being said and not what is not being said. Our vision sees only in 1 or 2-D instead of in the whole picture. I myself am like that. I have a hard time seeing beyond what is right in front of me when there is so much there. Like Patch, I need to avert my focus from the chaos (and craziness) and see beyond that. It doesn't mean I have to figure out everyone's problems or anything of that nature. Rather it means I have to step back and look up sometimes. Or in some cases, look down. An example would be yesterday. After shopping, while walking to the car, I was walking with my focus on our car and was looking up. My husband, on the other hand, was looking down at the concrete. As we walked back to our car, there laid a $20 bill. Jeff saw it but I didn't. I was looking at what was right in front of me. Jeff was looking at the bigger picture. (As a side note, we were unable to find the owner of the $20.)

While it's important that we look up sometimes and see what's right in front of us so as not to bump into any street signs or anything else, it is also vital to see the bigger picture too. Today I am going to begin looking at all sides of life...not just at what's right in front of me. While I don't have to like every side to life, my awareness of what's all there and beyond can help me make the right decisions when I have to, help calm me when I feel anxiety, and can help me be a better person for others around me.

So....how many fingers?

Day 42: Being Selfish

2010-03-07T07:38:00.003-06:00

This morning as I sat staring at the computer and my blog I sat overwhelmed with the events of the last 24 hours and the knowledge that what we have to think about for the next few weeks. As I sat trying to be optimistic and focusing on what needs to be done for everyone else in order to keep everything in our life running smoothly I was reminded by my mother-in-law (don't tell her that for once I am actually paying attention to something she is advising us....) that sometimes we need to be selfish. Although my mother-in-law's point about us needing to be selfish sometimes was as a result of her wanting us to be healthy enough to take care of them in their old age (eventually), its a task that we most definitely have a hard time doing.

As children we were always ingrained in the the head to not be selfish and to share with others, (it was even on our report cards in the words, "shares with others..") and so for some of us it is so difficult to take care of ourselves or sometimes to do things for ourselves. But it' something that we have to remember to do. We have to be selfish sometimes. We need to do good things for ourselves. We need to sometimes tell others no and not feel bad about it. We need to benefit ourselves sometimes. We just can't do it all the time.

Yes, its not always right to be selfish, but if we don't take care of ourselves at some point in our life, our life with go by so quickly we will regret not having done things for ourselves or become bitter at the fact we didn't care for ourselves. So today, I am going to be selfish. I am going to do what I need to do for myself in order to feel good and to improve my life. It's about me today. And sometimes you just have to do that and not feel guilty about it. If you have a problem with that today..well...too bad.

Day 41: Calm

2010-03-06T14:00:00.002-06:00

Today, is going to very short but I will make up for it tomorrow. This morning I got a call that my Grandmother was having alot of pain and was needing to be taken into the hospital. She may have a bone moving around. I have to remember right now that calmness is important in order to think straight and to keep others around me calm amidst uncertainty once again and chaos. So...today I will be calm. No off to the hospital I head back.

Day 40: Anticipiation...the good the bad..the ugly.

2010-03-05T08:31:00.002-06:00

With yesterday's task being about enthusiasm today I figured I would work on something that so closely follows enthusiasm. Anticipation.

Anticipation has two heads...one ugly and one exciting! The ugly head of anticipation is when we spend our energies anticipating something that we know is coming but that generally signifies something negative. For example...bills. I hate bills. It reminds me that I have to put out money for something and when bills are tight the anxiety heightens. Then...there is the exciting head of anticipation. This type of anticipation gives the butterflies in our stomach that make us giddy (and yes, guys get giddy too, they just don't admit it,) and causes us to smile when we think about it. An example of this is when people are anticipating the arrival of a baby, the anticipation of a happy holiday, or some other event in your life that is positive. (For some...it's even payday!).

I deal with anticipation daily. Unfortunately, I can experience both heads of this task in a 24 hour time period and I gotta tell you...it's exhausting and draining. What I know that I need to work on is how I deal with the anticipation, whether it is good or bad. I need to get myself in the grey zone when it comes to dealing with it as opposed to the black and white only zone. In other words, I need to find that happy medium. Am I a person who can go to the extremes emotionally? Oh yeah. I need to begin working on how I anticipate those negative situations and not get myself worked up about them. I need to look at how excited I get about the positive things and tone it down sometimes. There is enthusiasm and then there is annoying. I need to be enthusiastic without the annoying factor.

I am reminded today of something I learned in a retreat program that I have been involved with in the past. On the retreat weekends we would remind individuals making the weekend to relax and "don't anticipate, participate." When I over anticipate I can't focus on anything else and I don't do as well at what I am trying to focus on at that moment. So...today, I am going to take each moment for what it is.

For those of you who were anticipating my blog earlier in the morning, I apologize. A computer problem delayed me. (But maybe, just maybe, it was also a test of your dealings with anticipation. Hmmm......)

Day 39: Regaining my entusiasm

2010-03-04T06:43:00.002-06:00

It's a little over midway through the week and the Monday blahs have turned into Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday blahs. And even though Friday may be one day away there is a sense that it will be a blah day to, only receiving saving grace from the fact that there is no work for the next two days after that. So, you trudge through the day, doing your work with a sense of mundaneness surrounding everything you do. Your only saving grace is the one or two people along the route of your day that greet you or fill you in on their or life's current events. Do you remember the first day you began working, either as a teenager in your first job or at the current place. Do you remember the sense of enthusiasm you felt taking that job? (Or if you are retired, semi retired, or a stay at home spouse/parent the excitement you felt about having all this new free time?) For those that are married, what about your wedding day or the day you got engaged, or even better yet, those early days of your courtship? (I know...who uses the word courtship anymore???)

What society has seemed to have lost is enthusiasm. When we in our own lives lose the enthusiasm that got us to where we are today we begin to live such mundane lives. The question is how do we regain that enthusiasm now though? Are we so far in debt when it comes to enthusiasm that we think it is hopeless? Today I am planning my own bailout! I am going to begin regaining my enthusiasm back!

The last place I worked brought my sense of enthusiasm down. I still suffer from the post traumatic stress from my sentence at that facility...er..I mean my time working for such a wonderful establishment. (Can you sense the sarcasm in that sentence I hope???) My sense of enthusiasm in what I do for a living use to be so proud, not it seems like its just something I do at times. I keep remembering my excitement and enthusiasm when I was first married. It'll be 7 years we've been married in may and 12 years we've been together in total. Where did all that enthusiasm go? Mundaneness. But no more!

Sometimes all it takes to seeing the good in what I do at work. It involves reminding myself of what excites me about my relationships with my husband and with others. Today I will make a list of the good things (at least 10 for each) about these areas of my life and I will fold it up and keep it with me at all times in my wallet. When I need to be reminded, all I will need to do is pull that list out and it will remind me of why I am where I am. As my life journey continues, I am sure I will continue to add good things to these lists of the areas of my life.

Day 38: Is the glass have full or half empty?

2010-03-03T06:47:00.002-06:00

Life tends to be a series of pessimistic opinions that flood through my head. While many would think that the truth of optimism and pessimism is that it's just positive and negative thinking, there truly is a difference . Optimism and pessimism involves the entirety of our being. It has been reported that where optimism provides energy and confidence, pessimism projects a negative and draining quality. I am so tired of feeling negative and drained...how about you?

Recently I battled with pessimism so much that it drained me of my strength, gave me headaches, and brought about paranoia for me. I wasn't being pessimistic per say about a situation rather I was being pessimistic about me. Some would say that this is a confidence issue or an issues in believing in myself. While there is some truth to that, it involves so much more. Confidence and believing in myself involves things I can control. Optimism and pessimism can relate to things I can't control. Oh, there we go again...control issues!

Pessimism involves wanting to control things...at least in my opinion. If things aren't my way I am negative about them. If I can't control the situation to make it perfect, I am negative about it. Pessimism. What I need to work on today is to be optimistic about things. While I took a day off from work to deal with my health, I started thinking pessimistically from the moment I woke up. (As an example; ) The headache had partially returned and all I could think about was how horrible of a day I was going to have with the headache the way it was. How about I think optimistically and think that this headache returning may get me to slow down a little enough to address other issues of my day. Or how about it helps me to slow down myself and acknowledge the other parts of my health I need to pay attention to.

So, today its optimism. It's optimistic thinking that keeps me on the journey and pessimism that every morning floods me as I try to work on a new task. Personally, I keep cheering for the optimistic team in me.

Day 37: Shut up and Listen to my body

2010-03-02T06:38:00.002-06:00

This will be a short blog today. A raging headaches has me wishing that I wasn't even looking at this computer right now. My task today is about paying attention to my health.

I do try to push it sometimes... well, many times... well, all the time. I try to please so many people all the time. Sometimes I feel that the migraines are my bodies way of slapping me upside the head and telling me to shut up and listen to it. Like today, the sick to my stomach feeling because of the headache almost completely lays me flat out. The only answer? An ice pack on my head, pillows all around to block out all sound and light, and a cover all the way up to my neck.

My current place of employment makes it difficult to be sick though. Not because they look down on it or anything but rather because the place I work at is so much less stressful than other places I have worked that I want to go to work each day...so I push myself. Sometimes, I still need to stop and listen to my body and not feel bad about it. Today is one of those days. I apologize if today sounds like a task from January or February about resting. Obviously I didn't listen well and I need to keep working on it if it is.

Day 36: Being me

2010-03-01T06:52:00.002-06:00

On the journey to becoming a new me, one of the things I need to remember the most is to be the old me too. I know that sounds kinda strange, but in order to change the things that need changing I need to recognize the parts about my life that are good and maintain them. Dr. Seuss once wrote, " Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you. "

What is it about my life that I recognize as something positive that I like about myself? As I read through the tasks I have been working on and reflecting on what are some tasks that I need to work on over the remaining days of this blog I realized that while I am trying to become a new me I really need to have a part of the old me in there. Have you ever watched a "makeover" show where the person would say, "Wow...a new me! It's like I have a whole new life now!" When I'd watch these shows I'd want to ask them, "So, are you giving up everything in your old life then?" Realistically these people just had a new outside appearance, not always an new "inside." Their habits remained the same, their families who knew these people a certain way were still there. They were still the same people...just with a different look.

In my journey I am not trying to completely change me who I am and create a new inside me. Rather, I am trying to improve the inside and outside me while maintaining who I am: who I am that people love or whom I love. I must acknowledge that there is a part of me that may not change that people don't like, but that's tough luck for them. It's a part of who I am that makes me me.

Truly there is no one alive who is more me than me.

Day 35: Taking what we have for granted

2010-02-28T08:12:00.003-06:00

With yesterday's topic of taking people for granted, my husband and I had a great opportunity to invite a couple of friends over for supper last night to eat at our table for the first time. It happened rather last minute while at church for 5 o'clock mass. The wife has been a friend of mine since grade school and has recently been going through a difficult time with her health and with some family issues. She was someone who was there for me throughout all my time in college, the convent, and even now. I had to admit I have been a bit of a bad friend communication wise. Here they have been married 2 years and never have we had them over for a meal! Last night, I made sure that she knew that I was sorry for having taken our friendship for granted. What a great friend she is as she responded, "We've both had busy things going on in our life...and hey you invited us over tonight!" What an awesome friend.

Today is about taking our possessions for granted. As a child I didn't worry that there was a TV, dishes, furniture, a bed, and clothing..I took it all for granted. Sometimes now as an adult I still tend to do that with my own possessions although in the last few years I have become more anal in how I care for my own things. Having something new, such as our new table, reminded me of how lucky we are that we could have that. I am reminded that easily our life could be the other way. How would I feel if my house burnt down? If we lost our home to foreclosure and everything what would we do? I tried to imagine what it would be like and just the idea was scary.

With this in mind, today we are getting some things together to give to Angel Giving Tree Ministries....an organization that collects furniture and other items to help people who have lost their homes or belongings to fire or poverty can restart again. What a great service Angel Giving Tree is doing for those in need. Do I really need all that I have? Shouldn't I respect what I do have an share what I can with others? I am forever grateful for what God has given me and with not want for more.

Yes...today is a short blog, but I am going to spend today being more aware of how fortunate I have been to have what we have, no matter how simple or modest it is and I will be working on giving to others.

Day 34: Will they always be around?

2010-02-27T07:15:00.003-06:00

I don't know even where to start today. Yesterday was an unbelievable day. Even though my Fibromyalgia has been at its worse ever over the last few weeks and even though yesterday was one of my most painful days by the end of the day it didn't matter. It had been one of the most wonderful days for me. Signs throughout the day kept leading me to knowing what todays task would be on my "Taking for Granted" list. Today is about taking people for granted.

After work yesterday I had the daunting task of meeting my father at a furniture store where my husband and I had purchased a new dining room table and chairs. (Our first brand new piece of furniture we've ever bought ourselves!) When I walked into the store to sign the paperwork saying that we were here to pick it up, out of the corner jumps one of my young nieces with a big smile on her face. I just grabbed her and hugged her. Because of a situation I can't get into on here I don't get to see this niece and her sister very often anymore. In the past we use to watch these nieces, take them out places, etc. But now, it's been several months since we have gotten to spend more than a few moments with them other than in passing. What a joy to see her. Her big bright smile just warmed my heart. In the past, I took it for granted that I would always have the opportunity to see them (my nieces and nephews) whenever we wanted. But as my grandma had said, " you never know how good you have it until you lose someone."

This week a friend of the family, a former neighbor, passed away. She and I had shared birthdays when we had first moved next door and before she sold her home and moved away. I always took it for granted that I would someday run into her. As the days passed turning into months and then years, I always thought of her but never acted on getting in touch with her. Going to the funeral home this week I realized that I took it for granted that she would always be around. I soon began to regret not having seen her before she had passed. We need to realize that indeed life is short. Embrace and love those around you who you think may always be there because realistically we or they can be taken away at any moment.

While the task of spending more time with people whom I have taken for granted technically was supposed to start today I started it a bit last night. My (handyman handicapped) husband and I spent the entire night putting our brand new table and chairs together ourselves. We bonded. And today as I sit here I am reminded about how grateful I am that he is in my life.

Day 33: Taking things for Granted

2010-02-26T06:50:00.004-06:00

Two days ago my parents brought my 94 yr old Grandmother back to their home after she had in rehab for a little over 6 weeks. She had fallen and broken her hip and shoulder and needed extensive therapy. When she came home she was able to walk with only the assistance of a walker. Yesterday was her 94th birthday and as I spoke to her on the phone last evening one thing that she said struck me. She said that she felt as though things had changed. When I asked her what that meant she stated, "Well, the things that I took for granted before I learned not to now. For that I think I am a better person."

After hearing my Grandma say that I knew that it was supposed to be my next task on this journey. When I reflected about it last night I realized all that I take for granted in my life. I take for granted that I will always have these two hands to type out this journey with, that I will always have the ability to walk, that I will never have to depend on anyone to care for me, and that I will be able to see and hear God's beauty all the time. When we take things for granted we tend to stop being grateful for having them.

Why not be grateful for what we have in our life? I recall that everytime something major has happened, either to someone or something in my life, it tended to be at a time where I was became complacent or took it for granted those people or things would always be there. It was as if I had become to comfortable with life and God chose to shake things up a little bit. (I can't be angry with God...it's my own darn fault!)

Over the course of the next few days I plan on working on this task, separating out and dealing one by one with the things I take for granted. Today I will begin to be aware and make a list of what things or people I take for granted.

As Grandma reminded me last night, "When something bad happens you realize how life is too short." Why not wait until the bad happens....why not change today.

Day 32: Focus...Focus...Focus....

2010-02-25T06:46:00.002-06:00

I have to admit that some days it is the hardest thing to do for me to sit down and type out this blog. But I am committed to it so I know that I must. I don't do it because people are depending on me so that they can read all about my life. Rather, I know I have to do it for myself so that I can maintain being accountable to myself and this process. Many days it requires alot of focus and a glass of my energy drink to get my going and getting the fingers typing away with the key ingredient not being the energy drink but rather the focus.

I find myself doing that alot in life. As a child they used to call it procrastination. For me, I call it a focus issue. While I've never been classified as attention deficit, I can see how there are times when I just can't seem to focus on one thing. Of course not! Have you looked at society and life these days? How can anyone just focus on one thing? Most days and nights my mind has about a hundred if not a thousand thoughts going through it at any second. I often thing I need a ziploc container to put all my thoughts in and to organize. Alas...the thoughts are there.

When I have something important to do though, what keeps me from having the focus to get it done early? I mean, I can find about 10 different TV shows, 20 emails, Facebook, and any other thing to push me away from what I need to do and get done for the day at that moment. Today I am going to work on maintaining focus. It's amazing what I can get done when I push myself to do the project or the task. But I am not only doing it for today, but working on improving this in my life.

Once I maintain focus though I need to keep pushing forward at the task I am doing. It's easy to say, okay, I focused for 15 minutes, I can take a break. For me...the break will never end. I need to keep dredging forward. I need to not fear the task ahead.

So...now that I have been putting off getting ready for work, I must now go focus on what need to do for the day and get at it. Till tomorrow...

Day 31: Take it to the limit one more time...

2010-02-24T06:49:00.003-06:00

Day 31....I have officially been at this blog now for over a month. I am proud of not giving up and am more bound and determined than ever to get through the full 365 days. I am going to need you help though. As my support in the journey, what are areas that if you were taking this journey, that you'd want to work on in your life. Send me your ideas either to here or my email address (melmurawski17@sbcglobal.net). I am so deep into the journey that at times I wake up in the morning and am so involved in previous days' tasks that I often can't think of the others I know that I need to work on in my life. This morning though...I knew what to do.

By my title its hard to decipher what my task will be, isn't it? Today's task involves changing my mind to change my life. In a way, it may appear similar to other tasks I have done but today's task with take a bit of a twist. Let me explain the reasoning behind today's topic.

Last night, for the umpteenth time, as I prepared for bed I found myself starting to feel sorry for myself. You see, for the last couple of years I have been dealing with a problem with one of my legs. Just a couple of years ago I was walking 5 k's and had hopes of running a 5 k this year or at least sometime again before I die as an old woman. The problem with my foot and leg has just led to tons of financial bills each year only to have to long term resolution to the problem. The next steps? Eventually probably major surgery on the leg followed by physical therapy, etc. But I don't want to go there. Surgery means even more limitations in the future and not likely to meet the goal of running a 5 k ever again.

Why does this matter to me? As a former athlete I think back to those glory days of basketball in high school and college and see these young things who play now look at this old (like almost 37 yrs. is old...phht..yeah right!?!?) woman up in the stands with a look that says, "Hey old lady...I could run circles around you!!!" Nothing sucks worse in life than actually feeling like you are getting older. Each night as I stretch my leg and rub the same muscle creams on my legs that my grandma did on hers when I was a young child, I have to mentally tell myself that I can't give up.

Our mental abilities...whether we psych ourselves out or not..affects our ability to function. It's not a question of hoping or believing we can do something...those are steps to take once you get it in your mind that you can keep reaching the goal one more time. An example is my 94 year old grandmother. The day after Christmas she fell in church and broke her hip and her shoulder. At her age many people don't rebound or they are stuck in a nursing home for the rest of their lives. The first couple of weeks after surgery and getting her into the nursing home for rehab, we were almost sure she'd never get our of the nursing home or be able to walk or function again like she used to. She was telling herself that she was stuck. She was allowing that day's limitations affect the future that she thought she would have. It took many people telling her that she could do it...that she had to work beyond the pain at times...but that she still could do it. Today...she comes home. Minus the wheelchair and on her own two feet walking. Not even 2 months after she fell.

I have alot to learn from my Grandma. Sure she has some limitations yet, but in time she may be able to move beyond those limitations if that's what she sets her mind to do. I am not going to sit back and tell myself that I can't function just because of my leg. And I am not going to give up hope in doing that 5 k again. It may not be this year or next but I will do it...somehow. As long as I tell myself I can, I will find a way.

Day 30: Breaking the Women's Code

2010-02-23T06:35:00.003-06:00

Okay....this is going to be a challenging task today. The time would eventually come and ladies, we all knew it. It's time that I break the ever silent but ever strong Women's Code of Communication. I am going to do something that it not only takes me a very very very (that's alot of "very's" people!) long time to do. (Men...don't call up my husband and tell him I am doing this or else I may have to live with his happy dance for the next week....) Today I will....(wait for it)....admit...that I am...(okay...I can do this...) wrong.

Oh my! Okay...I said it. I'm sorry ladies...I had to do it! Yes...today I will be admitting that I am not always right. Any woman can tell you that we know when we are right and even when we are wrong we try to be right. So why is this such a difficult task? Why do I long to hear other people acknowledge when I am right? Why do I nag at my husband at times until he admits that I am right? It's not solely based on the fact that I am a woman. Rather, it involves my own view of myself and my confidence or lack thereof at times.

As a child I often felt inferior to others. I would watch others claim to know the truth only to find out that they didn't know what they were talking about. These people were put on pedestals and revered. When I'd find out they were wrong and that I could prove it, I felt angered and upset that people would still respect the opinions of these people who were wrong. I set out to prove that I was right. And so it started. Then, after a while I just got tired of people thinking I was wrong and I'd fight back to prove I was right. And then came the point where I knew a situation would turn out a certain way and when I would warn someone about it, they'd think I was nuts, go about doing what they were doing, only to find out that I was right in the end. But, they would still never admit that I was right.

Do I like to hear people tell me that I was right? Heck yeah! It strokes my ego a bit....it raises my confidence in myself. As you all know for past posts, my confidence is one thing I never had an abundance of. Most of all, I always felt I needed to push my point until people saw that I was right so that I'd fit in. If I didn't express my "rightness" how would I ever even have conversations with people. I would retreat into the quiet, contemplative person that I really am.

It's not that I need to hear that I am right all the time...just once in awhile is nice. I don't need to be the superior one and be right all the time....I just need someone to acknowledge that I am right once and awhile and help me to feel more like the 37 year old woman that I really am rather than the 6 yr child that I so often feel like.

Today I plan on sitting back and listening to people today. I won't pop up and give my opinion, regardless on whether I feel I am right or not, unless asked. I need to work on sitting back and thinking about the situation and not let it dominate my thoughts. I need to pick my battles. Maybe I will gain more respect from others if I do that today. It's not that my opinion doesn't matter...because it does to me. Rather, I have to live my life not everyone else's. I need to allow people to make their mistakes so they can learn from them and not try to shelter them. Will I stop standing up for myself. Of course not! Rather, I will think about what matters most in life and go from there.

Day 29: Let's get Physical..Physical...

2010-02-22T06:53:00.002-06:00

So here it is...Day 29. I have made it officially one day over 4 weeks! It's hard to believe its been 29 days but I have stuck with it and for that I am very proud. So....why am I going to through another journey into the spokes of this wheel? Because this other journey will help me with this journey. This additional journey will be the toughest over the next 24 days. It's my journey to a physically better me. I am going on a.....oh my gosh...I gotta say it....DIET!

Why is this important to me? First off, I am fat. I will admit it. (They say admitting you have a problem is the first step!) My weight has posed a problem with the way I feel physically at times as well has been a bone of contention with family and others who feel that it would fix our fertility problem if I would only lose weight. (While weight can play a big part in fertility, it's not the only reason or the biggest reason that we have a fertility issue.) Being tired of the whole situation and the constant discussions about weight I have decided that it's time. It's time that I do something about it. Do not worry. I am not using drugs, surgery, or developing an eating disorder to do it. No...I am using a nutritional program (with a cleanse that starts it all off) with the right vitamins (omega fatty acids, probiotics, etc.) and the right foods. It truly will be a lifestyle change.

I think back to my days in high school and college and I miss the days of the slender me. Back then I am sure that I thought I was fat but more so now the scale shows me its true. I am not doing this for others this time though. I am doing it for me. How can I sit here and try and change myself mentally and other things in my environment if I am not willing to better myself physically? Getting to day 29 on this journey has given me the confidence I need to know that I won't give up on this 24 day challenge that I am embarking on starting today. If I can make it through the next 24 days (which is the time it takes your body to adjust to the habit of better eating, working out, etc.) then I know I will be able to continue on with a better physical lifestyle.

I know that I can do this. This is not a new years resolution, rather this is a life resolution. How can I change myself mentally if I beat myself up physically and don't care about my body and overall health. They say that the body is your temple, so treat it that way. Right now, my body is a run down church. The renovations begin today!

Day 28: Just relax

2010-02-21T06:46:00.002-06:00

It seems nowadays that so often we fill our days with things to keep us busy, stiff schedules of one even right after another. I am one of the worst with it to where I get to the point that I ultimately collapse at the end of the day and my body never really relaxes. Today my task is to learn to relax.

Sure this task sounds easy...maybe even like a push over task. But it's not. When you are used to being on the go and filling your day with as much stuff as I often do you start to break down physically. Like flowers that bloom in the spring, they need down time during the winter...a dormancy of sorts...in order to bloom and grow in the spring and summer again. As humans we require much the same.

I noticed that I have been pushing myself alot lately. Pushing myself to get alot of things accomplished and alot of things done. Yet, I would tire myself out so much that when I finally got to sit down I would be drained. Even sleeping didn't help as I'd see myself more tired in the morning. My body would hurt more, I found myself biting at people, and even my digestive track, in the form of heartburn each night, would warn me to slow down. So...it's time I listen.

Why do I fill my days up with so many things and don't take time to just sit around and smell the flowers (figuratively) or to enjoy life? Because I so often think that it is expected of me...or that I have to keep up with everyone. In the process I lose site of who I am as a person and I try to "fit in" or be like everyone else. When we have the opportunity to relax we can reflect and regrow and be the people that we are intended to be.

So...today I will be relaxing. I will do whatever I want today that gives me life, enjoyment, strength and peace. Today is about me.

So just sit back and relax and enjoy today.

Day 27: Those footprints on my back

2010-02-20T07:15:00.003-06:00

(I apologize early if in any way this blog today sounds angry...it's not meant to be that way or specifically towards anyone. Today is meant to be empowering for me.)

I learned a big lesson yesterday when in trying to help someone out, who has asked for my help many times before, that I keep letting that individual walk all over me. I don't know if I am just too generous to people, too compassionate, or too gullible, but I tend to offer myself and my talents to some people who tend to just take advantage of me. Today my task is to work on empowering myself to step back and say No.

So often I want to help people. I stick my neck out for individuals who end up hurting my credibility in the end. Part of my problem is that I trust some people too much and others not enough. Yesterday night I began to think about and reflect on the list of people who I feel that I could stick my neck out for and who would not stab me in the back or walk all over me time and time again. To tell you the truth, it wasn't a very long list. I still care about the people who have walked all over me but I think I have to learn to step back and allow those people to make the mistakes they make so that they can grow.

I think that many times I push too hard to help people and thus I am not empowering them to grow. I think even sometimes I do that to my husband. I do things to get them done and get them done right. (Well, MY version of what is right.) Instead of empowering people I make them dependant. It's time I cut the ties and allow people to become empowered.

That doesn't mean that I am not going to help people. Instead now, I know that I still have to take care of myself. I can't stand these footprints on my back from people walking all over me but I can't not help someone in need. Today I am going to begin telling people who seek my help what my conditions are and be upfront and honest so as not to get hurt in the process but I will also step back and not offer myself or my talents so freely anymore as I need to let those others grow.

Am I doing the right thing? I don't know, but that's part of what this journey is all about.

Day 26: Dying to ourselves

2010-02-19T06:22:00.002-06:00

So, we get back to death again. Who would have thought that it was such a hot subject that I'd need 2 days to begin the work? Really, there is death so many ways in our lives but these two days (yesterday and today) begin the process of dealing with the two ways death is in my life; my choice and by chance. Today, I begin the process with dealing with dying to myself.

It may sound like deja vu a bit as I repeat the statement I said yesterday, but I love to think about the image of the butterfly and the dying to one's self in order to become a more beautiful person. This is so important in our lives. The challenge doesn't lay in wanting to be a more beautiful person...I'm all about that. The challenge comes in dying to ourselves and our old ways and life as it can sometimes be painful. If you think about it, the whole last 26 days has been about dying to ourselves, The things that I have set as my tasks are challenges for a reason: they can be hard to do! Thus, while losing someone physically to death can be hard, so can dying to ourselves.

Why is it that I can't let go of my old self? Why can't I let go of resentment and grudges I have either about things I have done in my life or had done to me? Change is hard! In a way, our life is like a 12 step program. We must live our lives accepting that we can't handle things, a higher power can, and we need to hand it to that higher power (sound familiar?). Twelve step programs are alot about dying to our old self and becoming new. I guess I would have to say that my addiction is not letting go and not letting myself move forward and grow. In a way though, this journey is my 12 step program..being done more like 365 steps.

What's important to do today if to look at our past and realize there were many times in our past that we have changed. Had God (or your higher power) intended for us to not change we would all be infants or born as adults! We have to change...its our way of life. We can't go back into the womb...we have to grow change. Today...I will begin to recognize that and begin to allow parts of my life go. Why am I holding on to a relationship/friendship that I doesn't allow me to grow in a positive way in life? Why do I sometimes wish that I could go back to the past and change things? Instead, I need to be grateful to the past and the growth it has allowed me to be.

Okay, so I feel like I am just rambling today. There is so much in my head that I need to start looking at with my life and need to recognize and let go. If today makes no sense, I apologize. Dying to ones self is hard to explain. I know though, that the end result I wish to see is that I have new wings and can soar and there is a more beautiful me than I started out with. I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite songs that was played the day a friend passed away. It's by country singer Brad Paisley: "When I get where I'm going, on the far side of the sky, thie first things I'm going to do is spread my wings and fly..."

Spread your wings today.

Day 25: Dealing with Death

2010-02-18T06:43:00.002-06:00

As I typed the title for today's blog I began to laugh. Not because I think that death is funny...I think just the opposite...but rather because between yesterday talking about getting rid of things in my life and then today talking about death, someone might think I was having suicidal ideations. Do not fret...I am of as healthy of a mind as I normally am. (Assuming that I am any part normal!) Anyways, today's task of dealing with death will be covered twofold: both in the loss of people close to us and also in dying to our old selves. Today I will deal with dealing with death of people and tomorrow I will talk about dying to our old selves.

Death is something I have always had an issue with. The first death I can remember well was the death of my Grandpa Clem when I was 6 years old. There were others who died before I turned 6, but my relationship with my maternal grandparents was much stronger. Sometimes I think I remember it well because I was there at my Grandparents home when he passed away in 1979. The memory is so vivid in my memory I can still tell you what I was wearing that night. While some might say that I remember it because of the trauma I experienced, I feel that I remember it so that I can hold on to the last memories of my Grandfather that I have. I have other memories, but I want to remember him and not forget him so those vivid images come to my mind first and foremost.

I've lost plenty of friends....some to tragic accidents, others to illness or old age. But what sparks my dilemma with death? Why do I hate the thought of it so much, whether its my impending death someday or the thought that others will die? CHANGE. No matter how I look at it, the reason why I hate death so much is because that events invokes change in our lives. When someone passes away in your life, things change around you; how you function for those first few days they are gone, the thoughts of living without them, and even your weekly or daily routine. And for many, there is a feeling of being alone. Maybe the person was someone you confided in, trusted, or even considered your best friend. Just the pure thought of seeing them would put a smile on your heart or your face. Regardless, with them gone physically in your life, it sometimes feels hard to smile or find that smiling feeling.

What we need to remember is something that a friend, who has since passed, shared with me. She told me that our lives are like that of the butterfly, at some point we must all die to our old selves so that we can get wings and soar. (So true is that statement that I will probably use it again in tomorrow's task). It's okay to grieve...it's natural..it's human. But we need to remember its important that change happens in our lives. If we avoid change we are avoiding growth; both for ourselves and the person who has passed away. If you trust that there is an afterlife, wherever it might be, then you have to believe that this is a new stage of growth and change for the person who has passed. I'd hate to think that I am impeding someone from growing...or from getting their "wings." Letting them grow doesn't mean that we have to let them go. Rather, we can hold on to those vivid memories as long as we aren't holding on so hard that we continue to grieve physically for 30 plus years as that won't let them grow either.

On a trip a few months back down to the Motherhouse of the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ, where I use to be a nun, I sat on a bench on one of the floors and looked down the softly lit hall. There, (in my minds eye), I saw all the Sisters who I had known who had passed away over the years, in silence, walking down that hallway going to and fro. Each one paused for a moment to smile at me, nod their head, and go on their way. They were happy. And it was time for me to be happy for them too.

It's okay to grieve, and to be sad. But we have to move beyond the fear and hatred of death. We need to allow change to happen. This is where I start today.

Day 24: Ashes, Ashes, we all fall down

2010-02-17T06:48:00.002-06:00

For those who don't quite get what the title of my blog today meant, today in the Church is Ash Wednesday. No meat today, no eating between meals, you go to church and get burnt palm leaves from the year before spread across your forehead in the shape of a cross, and you are supposed to "give up" something for the Lenten season. As a kid it also meant having this cardboard "bowl" which we were to collect money for the poor in. Usually, mine wound up with pennies in it because we didn't have alot of money growing up. With 5 mouths to feed on top of their own and trying to pay for Catholic schooling, there were many times my parents barely even had two pennies left after it all.

Call me a bad Catholic if you must, but every year since my childhood I tended to avoid Ash Wednesday, make the excuse that I couldn't eat fish (although I am not very fond of it anyways...) in order to get out of that dilemma, and usually make something up the day before Easter to tell everyone I had given up. This year I am going to do it different. This year, I am going to make Lent (the time of preparation towards Easter and in which we are reminded of the impending anniversary of Christ dieing on the cross to save us from our sins...) a time that I follow. This year I will give up something because I have found that like a house, the more clutter I have, the more chaotic my life can be.

I can't help but think about the tv show "Hoarders" about people whose lives have become so full of mess and clutter and dead things that they can barely function. They continue to pile things one on top of another in order to fulfill something missing in their lives until they can't move, breathe, or they push people away. In a way, for us Catholics, lent is that time of cleaning for us. I use to see it as a negative thing...something that I had to give up that I liked...and that made it hard to let go of whatever it was I was "giving up" for lent. Maybe if we clean ourselves internally of all the mess and give up that which we are holding on to we can feel free. Isn't that what Christ's dieing was for us? A freedom event? It was an event meant to be a sign that we were forgiven of our sins and a gateway to heaven was opened up for us so that we might enter upon our death.

So, what is it that I am giving up for Lent? Well, this lent I am continuing on the journey of bettering myself. Today, unbeknowest to my husband, I will begin getting rid of the clutter in our home. I want to simplify. Why do I need 14 drawers and a closet full of clothes just for me? Why do I need to hold on to so much stuff with the claim that I could fix it to save money? So, today I will be starting to rid myself of unnecessary items. No more holding on to the old phones that we don't need anymore, no more holding on to close when I can donate it to help others. My task today, is to start doing that internally. What am I holding onto and why? Isn't it time to release those things I am holding on to? The anger, the lack of being able to forgive, trust issues; all those last 23 days! Today I begin the journey of lent ridding myself of what held me back. Someone recently told me that today really is the first day of the rest of my life. Today, I plan to live that.

What are you doing for lent?

Day 23: Trusting Others

2010-02-16T06:05:00.005-06:00

Okay....so you all saw this one coming after yesterday, didn't you? Trusting others can be one of the most difficult things in my life. Often times I mistook my difficulty with trusting others just as my way of controlling things in my life but in reality, it was that I was having a difficult times trusting others.

Who likes to get hurt emotionally? Not me. Sometimes as a result of not wanting to get hurt I put up that brick wall and do things myself, not trusting others in the return. I don't like to feel the way it does when someone I trusted hurts me. Like love, I don't give my trust out freely. Sometimes I think it has to do with the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, (i.e. trusting someone as a child who betrayed my childlike trust and physically inflicted such pain.). Even if I forgave the individual in the past doesn't mean that I have to trust them again, does it? While I don't have to trust them, I need to move forward in my learning to trust others.

How do you do that? Do I use as a baseline the worst thing that has happened in your life that affected your trust and compare everything to that? Since each betrayal of trust is different, it's almost impossible to do it that way. So, I guess its just taking everything one day at a time, each situation at a time. Regardless though, I feel like I am still at square one with trusting others.

I guess I need feedback on this one. When do you start to trust humans again? I trust God, but humans are not God. At what point to continue to dole out trust to individuals who've hurt you and betrayed your trust? If I don't begin to trust (humans) again am I allowing myself to grow and improve or will this be a roadblock into improving myself?

Talk to me people!

Day 22: Trust Yourself

2010-02-15T07:34:00.002-06:00

Today's topic is trust, and most specifically to trust yourself. Before we can learn to trust others we must first trust ourselves. If we "know" that we are going to fail at something but we try to do it anyways, we tend to fail, right? However, if you trust yourself and believe that you can do it, you are less likely to fail. While that sounds more like believing in yourself, trusting yourself really goes hand in hand. It's like a diet. I know that if I look at starting a diet and believe that I am likely to fail it, I can't trust myself around foods and other things that could impede my improvement in that area.

Trusting yourself involves going with your gut instinct though also. Normally, I hate spending money on something full price...and it's even harder when I know its something I need. Today my husband and I are going shopping (yeah for President's Day being a Federal holiday!) One of the hard things we need to look for is a new dining room table and chairs. I hate spending money and when it comes to big items like that, I tend not to trust my instincts. Today, I vow to do that. I vow to trust my instincts.

So, why don't I trust my instincts? Because I am afraid. I am afraid of choosing wrongly. I am afraid of making a mistake. What we need to learn today most of all though is that we need be willing to make mistakes but not let that affect our trusting in ourselves. Trusting in ourselves affects our confidence and our belief in ourselves.

It's funny how topics over the last 22 days start to sound as though they repeat themselves or that they flow into each other. I guess, as part of the journey, I am seeing that they need to do this. If each of these topics is to make a better me, then they have to come together and link together. Wow...I need a day off more often. My brain actually starts to work...or maybe its because I am becoming that new me. Only 343 more days to go!

Remember...trust your instincts today. Enjoy your day.

Day 21: Love, Love, Love

2010-02-14T08:18:00.002-06:00

It's only obvious that on Valentine's Day that I would speak about love. But today I am not only going speak about it, but make it my task of the day.

In the last week I have spoken about forgiveness and anger. At times such as these it is often difficult to feel love when you are angry with someone or when you have been hurt and you need to forgive someone. The common phrase, "I will forgive but not forget" often plays in my mind. I often think with that phrase that I can forgive you but I don't know if I can love you; maybe I could like you...but it may be difficult to love you.

What brought up the issue of anger this week was actually 2-fold. I had been dealing with feelings of hurt and anger that I couldn't put aside from someone who hurt me a few weeks ago. I was hurt because of a relationship in my life that was being ended by someone else for reasons I will never understand; and then angered because of things that other person said. These feelings were then taken out on people closest to me and resentment and issues I was having with other people started to control my life. Then BOOOOOOOM!!!! The anger task!

Today isn't about anger anymore. Today is about love. When life was falling apart around me this week I wondered if I would ever be able to love these people in my life again. For me, love isn't something I just freely have been able to give out. I don't say it unless I mean it. When I say it, its because I have a deep committed, trusting relationship with you. In other words, I am there for you no matter what. I love some of my friends. I only let certain people into my life to know every part of who I am and my past...those are the friends and the family that I love. And I love my husband.

I can say those things, but because of events recently, I had a hard time truly truly feeling them inside of me. I could love someone, but I wasn't always sure they loved me back. My trust issues and my own confidence issues often played a part in me not being able to trust others when they said it to me. Did it mean the same to them that it meant to me? Was it a word that they just threw at everyone? I am reminded of the old tv show, Falcon Crest, where Joan Collins's character in her wonderful English accent would tell Linda Evan's , "I just love ya, darling" and the next thing you would see is her pushing her into a pool or stabbing her in the back. Love has been passed around in word to freely and in action not enough!

I remember the feelings in the beginning of my relationship with my husband 12 years ago. The butterflies in the stomach, the sheer feeling of dizziness that would shoot into my head when he would grab and hold my hand. Why did I lose those feelings? Maybe it's because in a way I started to take love for granted or because I thought that other things constituted love. Maybe because I became so preoccupied with other things in my life that I stopped paying attention when things were being done out of love when it was right before my eyes. What I need to start doing again is seeing love in the small things.

Today, I am taking my husband out to dinner at a nice quiet, romantic restaurant...something we haven't been able to do for most of the 12 years we have been together. I am going to open my heart and start believing in love again. I am going to take each moment as it comes and not with anticipation. I will start to see love in the little things again. One great present my husband gave me this year is not so much just what he gave me, but what he didn't. He passed up on tickets to a certain Men's College basketball game for valentine's day night just so he could spend time with me.

Thank you St. Valentine for this wonderful day. (And by the way: Happy Birthday to my brother-in law Cully...[you are more like a brother to me] and to my father-in-law Steve!)

Day 20: Find some quiet time

2010-02-13T06:04:00.002-06:00

Here it is, Saturday morning, and once again I am up early writing this blog. It seems as though since I started to take this journey, I am summoned to be awake early every Saturday and Sunday. Today, I am going to help my brother and his family move into their new home. At times I am a bit jealous of this opportunity for him. It seems as though my husband and I are the only ones in my family living in the city and having to deal with all the noises, crime and violence there is with living in a poorer neighborhood. And unfortunately, right now the opportunity to move is not possible nor there for us. So...we deal with it. I am jealous of the peace and the quiet that they have, the serenity that their new home will provide. Oh to have that time again.

And then I sit back right now and think about this again. Why does God have me awake each of these mornings so early and typing this blog out? All of a sudden it dawns on me: it's to help me find peace in my life. Every morning when I am sitting and typing this out, it is quiet. I can hear myself type, my husband fast asleep and snoring, and all is calm and quiet, and usually just as the sun is beginning to break through the clouds and rise. (I know... some days there isn't so much sun...but it's there.) It's as if right before dawn, the whole world becomes immensely quiet. You can close your eyes and listen...for that one moment, there is peace in the world.

Today's task is finding the moment of peace in our lives and actually taking that quiet time. My weekends are filled with events, tasks, chores, and anything else under the sun. I don't often give myself the quiet time that we need in order to rejuvenate ourselves. It's time to start paying attention to that need in our lives. How often have I said, "I will find the time later," only to never find the time and eventually burn myself out? During my days in the convent, that was something that was built into our days: early to rise around 6 a.m., quiet time and prayer, and then off to do our works for the day. Even though I was half asleep most of the time, the peace of that morning was important. That quiet time was necessary because it's when you could feel God most being present in your heart. When you could feel the wings and the arms of your guardian angel wrapped around you in an embrace. Since leaving the convent, I don't remember feeling that feeling until now...until I began this journey 20 days ago.

As I venture onward today to help in the chaos of a move from noise to peace, (literally and figuratively) I will find the quiet time in my day that I need to have to keep moving forward and to feel the angels' embrace. Maybe I keep the radio off. Maybe I stow away to someplace quiet for a few moments. Either way, today I find some quiet time. It's time now for you to go and find yours.

Day 19: Stepping Back and Taking a Breath

2010-02-12T07:43:00.003-06:00

I apologize to everyone yesterday for the strength of that blog. I will admit, there will be times that my blog won't be pretty! But as I was reminded last night by a couple family members, the path to growing and changing and making yourself a better person isn't always going to be pretty. It will be hard. There will be messy days. Yesterday was one of them.

So, hence today's blog. I learned yesterday from a friend (who had read my blog) that it's okay to be angry. There are times we need those days. From holding in some resentment and anger about past issues I was having with someone as well as feelings I wasn't communicating, it caused me to explode. I was reminded also that there really aren't any relationships that are perfect, they are a constant work in progress. So, today, I am stepping back and taking a breath. It's something I encourage everyone to do.

When I took myself out of the situation yesterday that was causing me to be angry and I was able to find myself a place of calmness, I was able to step back and re-organize things in my mind. I was able to begin to deal with how to address the problem. Now that things have begun to be worked out I can breathe. Acknowledging that we need that time is an important step

Sometimes you can't voyage further until you give yourself a break. That's why vacations have to happen...otherwise people get burned out from their work. I'm not planning on taking a break from the journey or from blogging...that I will continue to do daily. Instead, my blog will sometimes require me to take one topic and spread it over a couple of days. Truly, did any of you think I really had 365 things wrong with me? Again..it's the journey that matters and I appreciate all of you for taking it with me.

Today, in my stepping back and taking a breath, I am able to remember why the relationships is important to me. I am able to look at the positive things about the other person and remember the things that make me love them. Today involves seeing the good again, the positive again, the love again.

Today is a work in progress.

Day 18: Anger

2010-02-11T06:09:00.002-06:00

Today likely won't be the kind of blog you are used to reading. I am sitting here trying to write this morning with absolutely nothing that I can write in my head. I am angry. I am angry about a situation happening. I am angry at things I can't control. I am so angry I have tears in my eyes, my stomach feels like someone just punched me, I feel my chest tightening and I just want to punch something. This is what happens when I get angry.

More than anything I am feeling hurt and resentment. Today is going to be the hardest day to get through and to deal with the anger and the resentment and the hurt. Today is going to be hard to pass on forgiveness. Today is the culmination of the last week of tasks and trying to deal with them all. Did I plan it this way? No. Things happen.

Anger eats alive your entire system until you can't take it anymore and you snap. I call those my punching moments. While I have hurt myself physically before by punching things (a tree, a concrete wall, and metal beam) I am holding everything back to keep from doing it today. And then what happens as I am typing this blog? My computer shuts down because I must have accidentally hit the power button and I am faced with more anger at how today is going. Part of me knows that I need to step back and count to 10 or whatever number I have to reach before I calm down or I need to get as far away from what is angering me. But does running help? No. It just makes things worse. The more time I have to just sit and think about things the worse my anger gets. The only answer to dealing with this today is prayer.

And so I pray. I sit here and pray. I know that I can't control what is going on in my life that is causing me anger. So I just pray. I pray today for an answer to help me through this situation. I pray that God helps me control all day the desire to want to punch something and that I will continue to keep from doing it today. I pray for a clear mind to be able to get through work and what I need to do. I just pray.

I have no answers today for you. No semi-therapeutic babble on how to deal with this issue today. All I have is prayer.

Day 17: Forgiveness

2010-02-10T07:03:00.002-06:00

I tried hard to think of a funny little quip or title for toady's task but the word alone just kept coming to my mind. I even had a whole different task come to mind last night as I prepared for bed, yet the short train that sometimes is my memory eluded me this morning and the one word that I couldn't stop thinking about was forgiveness. I've been avoiding this task for the last 17 days primarily out of the fact that in order to forgive some people it means dealing with the hurt that they caused me. What brings me to it today is the fact that I know from forgiving people in the past that I receive a gift or even an insight into the rest of my life as a result of the forgiveness.

Why forgiveness and why now? Just a couple of days ago I used resentment as a task. In order to keep moving forward after starting to deal with resentment, I realized that I had to forgive some people. I realized that hurt feelings or things I have been holding onto from the past I couldn't move beyond until I forgave someone or sometimes even myself. If I truly want to be a better person I must be more willing to forgive someone who has wronged me or hurt me, whether intentional or unintentional. Why have I been carrying on the hurt and anger against those who bullied me in school? Why do I continue to hold a grudge? What does it get me other than hurt feelings and physical ailments from the holding on and the grinding of my teeth about the situation? It's time to move forward.

Let me give you some insight into my life. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I held on to a secret for 13 years before I told anyone. I went to therapy, group therapy, and read every self-help book out there. And then I forgave the guy who did what he did to me. While I may not have physically approached him, I forgave him. I don't condone what he did, but I forgave him. I no longer fear seeing him or let the shear thought of him frighten me anymore.

It's situations like this where sometimes you have to forgive the person who hurt you (whether physically, mentally, or just plain hurt your feelings...) without them asking for forgiveness. I recently dealt with a situation where someone who has been important in my life chose to distance themselves from me and a few others in my life. I even sought forgiveness for things I didn't do or had no idea that I had done. I was truly truly sorry, hoping that a relationship could be mended. The person just pushed themselves further and further away and said hurtful things. Things that I have been angry about, holding onto, and trying to deal with. I realized this morning that regardless of whether that person will ever come back into my life (its their choice, not mine..) I will forgive them. I forgive them now. Like the father of the prodigal son, I will welcome this person back into my life, regardless of the pain and hurt that has occurred. I only hope that they can forgive me at some point.

Forgiveness is vital to our life. Sometimes we kick ourselves or beat ourselves up for choices we made in our past. At times we even kick ourselves for forgiving someone over and over again who then continues to hurt us. Forgiveness truly means renouncing the anger and resentment and excusing the fault or offense. It doesn't mean that the pain didn't occur or the offense didn't happen. It means we learn from it and we change our future decisions and choices as a result of it. And that's the gift.

So today, I will make a list out of all the people I need to forgive...with my name on the list of course...and I will start from there and begin to work through how I can begin to forgive.

Day 16: The Blatantly Honest Guru

2010-02-09T06:31:00.002-06:00

During our early courtship day, my husband Jeff let it be known to me that one of his best and worst personality traits was that he was blatantly honest. He had told me that at times his honesty has gotten him into trouble because he would be honest when someone asked him his opinion and it didn't always meet the opinion of others. Sometimes it made him highly unpopular. In a way, Jeff really is an honesty guru...even if he doesn't know it. Why do we hold in telling someone the truth?

Today's topic is honesty. When Jeff first told me that he tended to be blatantly honest with people I kind of chuckled. Didn't he tell people white lies? (You know...those little things that were easier to tell to avoid hurting someone or getting yourself into trouble?) His reply back was, "I learned when I was younger that if you can't say something honestly its better to say nothing at all." While that doesn't mean to hold back on saying things and let things build up and fester, it points to a skill that so many of us fail to do before we open our mouths: think.

I thought back to how many times I open my mouth and speak before I really think things through. There is an ability to be honest and then there is the ability to be just plain hurtful by what we say. We can be honest while not causing pain on someone and its all in how we say it. A friend once told me that its not the other person who is at fault for hurting you because they told the truth, it's how I perceived the truth and it was my emotions that perceived it negatively. When we address a painful truth, we must acknowledge that the pain was not the intention of the other person if they are being truthful and honest, rather the pain is from inside us because we hadn't prepared ourselves for that truth. Why? Because at times its easier to hear a lie, no matter how simple or how complex it is.

Today, I plan on working on being a more honest person, stepping back and thinking before I speak, and preparing myself to hear honesty. Regardless of the outcome of what it said, I have to respect those who are honest with me. If I can't do that and start to work on that in my own life, then why even continue blogging?

Day 15: Rage against the machine

2010-02-08T06:53:00.003-06:00

It's amazing that I have made it the two full weeks! There have been challenges along the way and times I was ready to give up, but I have made it! Now...just to get through the other 351 days and we'll be good. I've begun to realize just how hard this challenge is; not just by means of digging deep and finding the tasks that I need to work on but also really being attentive to them.

Today's task is one that I have been thinking about doing for a long time but didn't know if I was ready to address. Today seemed like a good day to start. Today's task is resentment.

Throughout my entire life I can honestly say that I have held grudges. I have been resentful of the fact that throughout a large portion of my grade school and high school years I was made fun of by other kids. I was called names, looked down the nose at, and I had a hard time making friends. I never fully had a "best friend" in school. You know...the kind that sticks around no matter what happened. The kind that you'd be willing to get in trouble with. I was forced into being a follower as opposed to a leaders roll. While now I try to take leadership rolls more frequently, I still hold resentment for what I went through. Even more so now I see that my resentment and problem with holding grudges still holds true to relationships now.

When someone burns me emotionally or in a way that makes me feel berated, I tend to hold on to that feeling for a long time. Even in my marital relationship I see that I hold a resentment to my husband for various things. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than anything, but I tend to get upset and angry for things he does over and over again that I feel are things that wrong me. It may be as stupid and simple of a thing as taking my pillows every night so that I end up waking up with a headache each morning, or his taking over the bed and jabbing me in the stomach or back to where I wake with a stomach ache or a horrible backache. (Trust me, I am laughing about it right now but it wasn't so funny when I got out of bed and felt sick to my stomach this morning.) Getting a bigger bed isn't the answer. Addressing the issue with him is. I realize this as I say it now. Rather than addressing the issue with him though, I tend to get angry. Or at night I take back my pillow, etc. and whack him good with one of his. Rage. I don't have road rage, I have bed rage!

Where did all this anger come from? Resentment. I am not resentful that he gets the bed and the covers or jabs me all night long. No, I am resentful about other things that have nothing to do with my pillows. Without airing my dirty laundry list or being specific, I have realized that I am holding on to things of the past. Minuscule things that I should have let go of along time ago. Things nonetheless that I keep holding on to. Letting go...there it is again. It seems to me that this letting go will pop up often in my journey as its probably what impedes me from moving forward sometimes.

Today I need to work on addressing the issues of resentment I have towards others, whether it be my husband, a sibling, co-workers, acquaintances, whoever. Only once I address the issue can I bring my resentment to the table and let it go. And the more I realize it, the more I find that it starts with me. What am I upset with myself about that I have held on too long to? How can I let go of the resentment I have against something I have done or wished I would have done in my life? Why am I still holding on to it? How does holding on to it benefit me?

Maybe as I begin letting go, I won't wake in the mornings with heartburn or a stomach ache. And maybe...just maybe, my husband won't have to suffer the wrath of a pillow attack late at night. Well....one out of the two isn't bad!

Day 14: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2010-02-07T07:12:00.002-06:00

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. While I am not an alcoholic (seriously...the two glasses of margarita last night with supper gave me a migraine this morning!), I do have a problem. Often when someone is speaking I tend to cut in on the conversation, always wanting to put my two cents worth. Sometimes I think that part of it is because I am afraid of being invisible or even treated like I don't know anything about what they are talking about. I know that sometimes too its because I have wanted to feel like a part of the group. Regardless, I know that what I do gets annoying. So today, I will be taking on the task of respect.

Respect can be accomplished in many ways, one being allowing the people involved in your life know they are respected verbally. Other ways involve allowing them time and stepping back to allow them to "shine." Even my nonverbal communication in a conversation gets to the point that people know that I want to jump in on the conversation. How many times in your life have people told you that you do the same thing. It's like having a running marquee across your forehead saying, "OH OH OH....I have something to say!!!!" It becomes distracting and affects the joy or the emotion the other person is having. It becomes all about me and less about me giving them the respect they need. Why do I feel I always have to have the last word on everything or every conversation? Why do I try to fix people when they are talking about a problem. Today, I am going to step back. I am going to work on how I communicate with others and respect them by allowing them full time in what they have to say or do.

Yes, this blog will be short today. (Some of you might be saying...YEAH!!!!). They say it takes a village to raise a child. In rebuilding myself, I realize that I am much like a child growing and maturing all over again. So..today I am seeking help from the village. Out of respect for all of you reading this, I'd like to hear from you about your opinion of this task. How can I work on this better? How can I communicate with others and show my respect without "stomping on their parade" so-to-speak? How have you had to do this in your own life?

Day 13: I can do that tomorrow...

2010-02-06T07:05:00.002-06:00

Once in awhile I just love to do nothing. Just sit and enjoy the fact that the sun is out and the world is spinning and just do nothing. Oh...wait...did I say once in a while? How about everyday! So often it seems as if there is not enough time in the day to get everything done that we need to get done so we tend to sit down to take our "breather" and end up sitting there the rest of the day or the evening. Why do we do such things? Maybe because I lived in a house with individuals who were workaholics when I was in the convent. Maybe because whatever it is that needs to be done I know will be there tomorrow. Maybe because I am hoping that someone else will consider doing it. Whatever the reason, I know that I am to blame for putting it off. Today's task is to stop procrastinating.

Like many people in the world, I find myself coming home from work, making supper, cleaning the table and wanting to collapse on the couch. I am exhausted! I dread doing anything more!When I wake up the next morning I still see that the dishes either need washed, the laundry done, the mail gone through and taken care of, etc. While mentally we sometimes need a break from everything, to do this on an almost daily basis can put us so far behind on things that we only end up putting it off more.

I am not saying that we need to become workaholics and work from sun up to sundown and see how much we can get accomplished, but rather that we need to become more aware of things in our life that we need to really get done at the times that they present themselves. When we put off some things in our life, we tend to start putting off alot of things in our life. It may start with the laundry or the dishes but how often does it turn to other things? When I fell behind on getting the menial things accomplished in my life I also found that I was putting off praying. I was putting off going to mass. I was putting off seeing friends or trying to stay in communication with them. I was putting off so much of my life.

I dread today letting my husband read this blog for I know that the first thoughts in his mind will be: "Good...you are no longer procrastinating on cleaning the basement, the extra bedroom, the office, etc." To that I say, "Dear...and you can stop procrastinating in helping me with the basement, extra bedroom, and office. (wink wink.) Today, I am going to stop pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to where I want to just collapse. Today I am going to accomplish at least 2 things that I have been putting off doing. (Okay...gotta find that to do list around here somewhere.) But most of all, today I will find more time to pray.