Day 14: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. While I am not an alcoholic (seriously...the two glasses of margarita last night with supper gave me a migraine this morning!), I do have a problem. Often when someone is speaking I tend to cut in on the conversation, always wanting to put my two cents worth. Sometimes I think that part of it is because I am afraid of being invisible or even treated like I don't know anything about what they are talking about. I know that sometimes too its because I have wanted to feel like a part of the group. Regardless, I know that what I do gets annoying. So today, I will be taking on the task of respect.

Respect can be accomplished in many ways, one being allowing the people involved in your life know they are respected verbally. Other ways involve allowing them time and stepping back to allow them to "shine." Even my nonverbal communication in a conversation gets to the point that people know that I want to jump in on the conversation. How many times in your life have people told you that you do the same thing. It's like having a running marquee across your forehead saying, "OH OH OH....I have something to say!!!!" It becomes distracting and affects the joy or the emotion the other person is having. It becomes all about me and less about me giving them the respect they need. Why do I feel I always have to have the last word on everything or every conversation? Why do I try to fix people when they are talking about a problem. Today, I am going to step back. I am going to work on how I communicate with others and respect them by allowing them full time in what they have to say or do.

Yes, this blog will be short today. (Some of you might be saying...YEAH!!!!). They say it takes a village to raise a child. In rebuilding myself, I realize that I am much like a child growing and maturing all over again. So..today I am seeking help from the village. Out of respect for all of you reading this, I'd like to hear from you about your opinion of this task. How can I work on this better? How can I communicate with others and show my respect without "stomping on their parade" so-to-speak? How have you had to do this in your own life?

Day 13: I can do that tomorrow...

Once in awhile I just love to do nothing. Just sit and enjoy the fact that the sun is out and the world is spinning and just do nothing. Oh...wait...did I say once in a while? How about everyday! So often it seems as if there is not enough time in the day to get everything done that we need to get done so we tend to sit down to take our "breather" and end up sitting there the rest of the day or the evening. Why do we do such things? Maybe because I lived in a house with individuals who were workaholics when I was in the convent. Maybe because whatever it is that needs to be done I know will be there tomorrow. Maybe because I am hoping that someone else will consider doing it. Whatever the reason, I know that I am to blame for putting it off. Today's task is to stop procrastinating.

Like many people in the world, I find myself coming home from work, making supper, cleaning the table and wanting to collapse on the couch. I am exhausted! I dread doing anything more!When I wake up the next morning I still see that the dishes either need washed, the laundry done, the mail gone through and taken care of, etc. While mentally we sometimes need a break from everything, to do this on an almost daily basis can put us so far behind on things that we only end up putting it off more.

I am not saying that we need to become workaholics and work from sun up to sundown and see how much we can get accomplished, but rather that we need to become more aware of things in our life that we need to really get done at the times that they present themselves. When we put off some things in our life, we tend to start putting off alot of things in our life. It may start with the laundry or the dishes but how often does it turn to other things? When I fell behind on getting the menial things accomplished in my life I also found that I was putting off praying. I was putting off going to mass. I was putting off seeing friends or trying to stay in communication with them. I was putting off so much of my life.

I dread today letting my husband read this blog for I know that the first thoughts in his mind will be: "Good...you are no longer procrastinating on cleaning the basement, the extra bedroom, the office, etc." To that I say, "Dear...and you can stop procrastinating in helping me with the basement, extra bedroom, and office. (wink wink.) Today, I am going to stop pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to where I want to just collapse. Today I am going to accomplish at least 2 things that I have been putting off doing. (Okay...gotta find that to do list around here somewhere.) But most of all, today I will find more time to pray.

Day 12: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I had half written a different task for today when I realized that it really just didn't fit. I woke up this morning and for some reason was in a decent mood. Was it because of today being the end of the work week or was it because of good things that happened yesterday to us to make me feel like it was going to be a good day today? I don't know. Whatever it was, I knew that today had to be a positive uplifting topic. So...today is about humor.

It's easy to think about the negative things going on in our life and to ruminate about them, especially when we know these issues are things we can't change and control. How can we move past them, not forgetting them, but changing our mindset to also project the positive energy we need for our bodies to heal, grow, and survive? Humor. Haven't you ever had one of those days where you were just "blah." You weren't happy, you weren't sad, but you just went through the motions. You feel as though you could go back to bed. But then, out of no where, someone says something funny and it makes you laugh a really good laugh. One of those laughs that you feel deep inside of you. Even a laugh so hard that it almost makes you pee your pants.

We need these laughs in our day. We need our hormones and our energy to be positive. Positive energy heals the body and the mind. While some say it may take less energy to not be positive, it actually takes more. How often, when you've been blah and depressed have you just wanted to sleep? But when you've been upbeat and happy it seemed like you had enough energy to accomplish anything that came your way.

Today I am going to be positive and seek out humor and share it. Whether it be a joke, a funny video, etc. As I walked in this morning to a quite office, a colleague who didn't hear me come in was startled and screamed as I walked past her and spoke to her. We both had a great laugh...and the image still sticks in my mind and makes me smile. I feel energized already! So...beware if you see me today. I am locked and loaded with few jokes to help make your day brighter.

I leave you today with one of my favorite jokes. (I promise it to be clean today...)

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:"The big sissy."

Day 11: When eye can not see and ear can not hear

Some people fear the dentist. Some fear going to their doctor. I fear going to the eye doctor. My fear stems, not from having to look through the funny glasses while sitting in a captains chair, that was actually fun. Rather, some of my fear came from the eye drops and the puffs of air they'd put into your eyes. More so, a majority of my fear came from the fact that I had a blind Uncle. This blind Uncle, Uncle Hank, died the day I was born. (Literally...I was born at 8:32 a.m. and at 8:30 p.m. my parents got a call that evening that he passed away unexpectedly.) My fears resurfaced about 14 years ago as my father risked the loss of his vision when he wound up with a detached retina. Throughout my childhood I would imagine what it would be like to be blind verses losing my hearing and realized at a young age that I would rather lose my hearing than to lose my sight. Now, as I get older, the fear comes back stronger and especially in light of some recent serious problems with one of my eyes.

Today's task is not about fear though. Today is about what we miss out on when we lose our sight. Today's task is to see the beauty in the world and bring that beauty to others in our interaction with them. Today is about being positive. It's about finding a "moment" in each day that not only keeps you going, but which you can share with others and maybe impact their life in a positive way.

It's difficult in a world filled with disaster, crime, poverty, and high unemployment rates, to sometimes find something positive in our day to tell others. However, I watched a former colleague of mine one time speak to another colleague (who had been in a foul mood) about something funny and beautiful that she had experienced that morning. It was interesting to sit back and watch the mood of the one colleague change from depressed and negative into one that she just couldn't help smile about. That colleague's mood remained upbeat for the rest of the day. But we don't only have to do that to help others. Instead, if we find something beautiful, funny or uplifting in our life it will impact our own mood. So what if your child or spouse is driving you nuts or that you got in an argument with them...how fortunate that you have a husband or a child when that's what some people pray for. So what if you have bills to pay and not alot of money...you woke up today with a roof above your head and your refrigerator or pantry wasn't completely empty.

Today, I was able to get out of bed and get showered and ready for work. I have a home, a husband, and hot water. So what if my health is not the best...I woke up and I am alive today. So what if I have bills to pay and not alot of money...I will always have bills to pay. So what if I have to deal with an incorrigible client today...I at least have a job. So what! As I sit typing this at my dining room table I can look to my left and glance out the big picture window in our dining room and see the footprints of the squirrels and rabbits that frolic in the snow covered yard. I can see, even though the sky might look grey, that it's the morning time. I can see the trees that fill our back yard and know that in a few months they will be filled with leaves. I can see.

Today I will find a positive moment to share with others. Today I'll imagine what life would like without my ability to see...the ability to see the colorful pallete of the world that God gave us...and I am so grateful that I have my sight. Today I will open my eyes and see the beauty and share it with others.

Who knows...maybe someone will pay that forward today.

Day 10: Pay it forward

As I reflected on my journey last night and this morning and what today's task should be, I kept getting the phrase, "Pay it Forward" in my head. When I think about that phrase I am reminded of the book and the movie of that same title. In the movie, 12 yr old Trevor McKinney is given an assignment to devise and put into action a plan that will help change the world for the better. Trevor devises the Pay it Forward plan and begins by helping one person, who then in turn is instructed to pay it forward to someone else, never expecting reward or to be paid back in return. The philosophy of Pay it Forward was actually described as far back as 1784 when Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to Benjamin Webb of the concept. Again later it was quoted by Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay "Compensation" as he wrote, "In the order of nature we cannot render benefits to those from whom we receive them, or only seldom. But the benefit we receive must be rendered again, line for line, deed for deed, cent for cent, to somebody."

While I believe at times I can be a generous person, and while I try to help someone I wonder if I try to seek reward in return sometimes. I know at times I try to rationalize my giving to others. ("Do I have enough money to do this, is this homeless person going to go out and spend this on alcohol, will they always bother me in the future, I won't give unless I know my dollar is truly going to help the poor, "are just a few of the questions that come to mind as I try and rationalize.) Or how about looking at what that same person gave to you in order to determine how much or how little you will give to them in return? (This person gave us only $20 at our wedding...that's all I am giving them...) And I often place conditions on whether I give to others. (I am not going to help that person because they hurt my feelings or they will just back stab me later. )

Rather than giving and telling someone to pay it forward, I often expect a reward, either from God or from others stroking my ego once they've found out what I did. I realized today that in retrospect, I truly wasn't paying it forward because at the same time I expected someone or God to reward me in return. God's reward's shouldn't be an expected thing. Rather, it should be a surprise. Our paying it forward to others shouldn't be a limited, conditional thing that strokes our ego. Rather, we need to give (or help) and then let it go. It shouldn't be that we seek the reward, but rather we want the reward for the person whom we are helping.

Paying it forward isn't about money. We can pay it forward with our time, our talents, or our other treasures. One small thing we do may impact a greater good. I am reminded of a sibling and her spouse who dedicate their time and talents to a dog rescue group and how many dogs they have saved. Or the friend who with one idea of starting a garden to help in one neighborhood to grow free food for those in need has now influenced the start of 14 more.

Today I will be more aware of paying it forward and I will work on leaving my ego at the door. But as I leave you today, I leave you with another quote that comes from one of my favorite movies, The Power of One. "Changes can come from the power of many, but only when they come together to form that which is invincible--the power of One."

Day 9: Hope

Every Groundhog's Day I wake up with the sheer hope that this time, for this year, Punxatony Phill won't see his shadow. As records show, that rascally rodent saw his shadow over 100 times since 1887, (although 9 years of records were lost or misplaced so they are unsure of the outcome during those years.) As I crawled out of bed and wrapped a blanket around me this chilly and snow filled Groundhog's Day morning I was so sure that with this weather, how could anyone see their shadow. To my dismay, Punxie there came out of his whole and saw his shadow so we are stuck with another 6 weeks of winter. With my hopes dashed I put on my boots and headed out the door to work.

Hope. While hoping that the weather warms up a few weeks earlier this year is just a menial and silly thing to hope for it is what fills our days and what motivates us. However, hope is not some random thing that we believe in that just floats around in the air. When we hope for something, where does it go? In order for hope to exist, one must believe that there is a higher power to whom that hope rises and by whom it is embraced. Regardless of our desire for the outcome of that hope, the result could be just the opposite since we don't control the outcome.

Giving up on hope is something that I have found myself doing alot over the last couple of years. For the last 5 1/2 years my husband and I have been trying to conceive. We went through fertility treatments, followed every wives tail, listened to the advice of every person who gave it, and prayed. Nothing. A positive pregnancy test only to find out from the Doctor that is was a false positive topped it all off. I was done hoping. When you hope, your emotions are aroused, you tend to walk a little lighter, and you try to bring all energy into making what you are hoping for a reality. When our hopes of conceiving were bashed by that pregnancy test, so was all hope. I became cynical and negative and depressed. I began to think that hoping was a false emotion. Something not even worth doing because it would never go as I wanted it to.

And then I realized the answer was right in front of me. I was hoping without giving it to God. I was hoping so hard that I wasn't able to see what God was wanting for me. Maybe the time wasn't right...it wasn't in God's time. Maybe there has been something I have needed to do in my life or change in my life before we are given the opportunity. Maybe it's just not meant to be, no matter what I hope and wish for. Eventually I will have insight into the right path that my life is supposed to be on.

Thomas Fuller once said, "If it were not for Hopes, the heart would break." Whether you are looking for a job, a home, a spouse, or to try and have a family, don't give up hope. Without hopes our dreams fade away.I have been in the same boat as you. Today I am going to begin again to have hope. I didn't like the person I was...negative and depressed. And I am going to learn to accept the road that my higher power (God) has planned for me. And I will continue to hope that he hears my prayers.

As I leave you today with this I leave with one last quote that I am reminding myself often of today. "The important thing is not that we can live on hope alone, but that life is not worth living without it." (by activist Harvey Milk)

Day 8: Yes Honey, I am awake....I have one foot on the floor!

It's great to have made it through the first 7 days of this journey. As I sat down this morning to type out my task for the day I had a dozen ideas for a task, even one that my husband had come up with last night. But none of them seemed right for today. I woke up this morning wanting to just throw the covers back over my body and stay in bed. Mid-sleep indigestion from my attempt at making pork fried rice for supper last night had woken me up and I could still feel the unsettling feeling in my stomach. My body was hurting from the rough night of sleep and I kept begging the alarm clock to turn back time. No luck. I was stuck accepting the fact that it was Monday.

Mondays are the roughest. The average work week for me is set where I have to get up in the morning and give myself the confidence to make it through the rest of the week. I have to tell myself that I am good at what I do and that I can accomplish anything this week. I usually walk into work then on Monday having to remind myself of that same exact thing. By Friday I would be bounding with confidence in myself, (and joy that it was the last work day) only to have the weekend come and go and have to start it all over again on Monday. Maybe it was the years of being beaten down by a former employer that got me to this point, but now that I am at a place where I am respected, believed in, and trusted, maybe I can begin to do the same to myself.

Today's task then is to believe in myself. This seems to be something that I have struggled with for a long time...all the way back to my childhood days. I never believed in myself in school and would cower away from anything new or adventurous. I never wanted to take risks. I believed in the play it safe method on everything. Why I was this way, as I look back on it now, was because I never believed that I could succeed. If it was something safe then I could accomplish it. If it was risky..forget about it!

Today as I reflect on the task of believing in myself (which some may dub as having confidence in myself) I am reminded of a song popular back in the mid 90's by a group called Enigma. The song is called "Return to Innocence." During the summer of 1997 I must have listened to that song almost daily. It kept me getting out of bed in the morning.

Don't be afraid to be weak

Don't be too proud to be strong

Just look into your heart my friend

That will be the return to yourself

The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh

If you must, then start to cry

Be yourself don't hide

Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say

Just follow your own way

Don't give up and use the chance

To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end

That's the return to yourself

The return to innocence

This task of believing in myself is going to be a big step and a challenging task. It's so much easier to step back and let others do things. And yet, in the long run it is harder. When we don't believe in ourselves we tend to beat ourselves up. We lose out on opportunity. We lose out on being a part of something greater. And we keep telling ourselves we are no good. Today I will have to remain strong in the tasks I set forth last week to start working on. It will take facing my fears, letting go (and letting God), as well as not retreating to something mind numbing (like watching TV) to get me to even take the babiest of all baby steps in believing in myself. I have even often wondered if that was the reason that God had chosen me not to have a child yet...because deep inside I didn't believe in my ability to be a good mother.

Louisa May Alcott once wrote, "Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." Today, I am going to believe in myself. I am going to bound out of bed and greet the day and know that I can make it through. I am going to look towards the sunshine (regardless if it is actually out in the sky) and remember what my goal is with this journey. And I am going to believe in myself because I believe in this journey.

So, as I venture out into the world today I just have one more thing to say: "BRING IT ON!"