Day 104 & 105: Looking back

As I looked at these days and realized that I had already made it over 105 days I was astonished. First, I had thought it would be alot easier to come up with a task each day. Boy was I wrong. I'm sure some of you wouldn't be surprised at how many times I had wanted to back out of this! Secondly, I realized that I only had 260 days left to write this. 260 Days left....oh boy! I barely made it these last 105 days, how am I going to do another 260 days.

Then I realized that it's not important to look back but rather to look forward. It's important to keep voyaging forward. Our past is important to remember but as I thought about writing this I realized that you can't go backwards and grow. Rather..it takes walking forward. You can't return to where you've been and expect it to be the same. No...you have to realize that life changes, we change, and our environments change.

As I write these blogs entries daily I look back at the past blogs and you know what happens? It messes me up. I think about what everyone reading this would say. What if I duplicated a task? What it I say something wrong and contradict something that I have said or did before? I thought more about it and the thought that came to mind was that it was okay. I may revisit past tasks and the reason is that maybe I haven't mastered those tasks.

The only looking back today I planned on doing was looking back at all that my mother has done for me throughout the last 37 years. Mom...I don't know that you read this, but Happy Mother's Day.

Day 103: Stormy clouds

This morning I awoke to the sound of two barking dogs. Two dogs barking at the sound of thunder as a stormy day rolled in. As I trudged out of bed and heard the sound of the rain beating on the concrete outside one of the open windows in our house I instantly thought that I'd like to head back to bed. Almost like clockwork, the naturally calm and collective Melissa person became the incredible hulk! If you think about it, what it the one thing that the incredible hulk posses most? A lack of patience! Why else does he get so angry? He tends to just push his way through life. When was the last time you noticed that big green super "un"hero wait at a stop light in the movies? I mean...the dude is totally inpatient!

For some reason the dark clouds and the storms rolling in always get my patience on end. My perception of how people are driving or other people's choices get on my nerves. Every argument I could have with people I don't like comes to mind and I threaten to actually yell at someone.

How do I avoid doing this in the future? That is what I need to learn today. Otherwise a co-worker may just get a piece of my mind today or a driver in front of me might get the finger. (Trust me...it's been a while since I flipped anyone off but it has happened.) Today I will remember to step back from the situations and work on becoming patient. I will count to ten before yelling today. There's already enough thunder and lightening outside...I don't need to create any more in here than I have to. Wish me luck!

Day 102: Being proud of yourself

So often I have a hard time giving myself credit for what I accomplish. Even worse is when someone compliments me. I tend to cower down. While I was in the convent it was made known to me that I tend to negate myself when I am complimented. If I was complimented I would respond, "yeah but...." usually followed with a negative comment about myself. At the time I thought I was being humble. It took one of the Sisters to look at me straight in the eye with all seriousness to say that "yeah buts are those fuzzy little creatures that hop along the forest and eat our flowers out front" and that I needed to accept positivity from others.

With that statement I started to watch what I'd say. But soon I realized that I'd do it to myself even when was just thinking. We need to stop doing that to ourselves. It becomes a self destruction method if we don't change the pattern of our thinking when we do this.

For Day 102 this is an area I will work on.

Day 101: Decision making (Thought I had posted...sorry)

This morning I woke after a less than great night of sleep to an email from a couple who we had been talking to about embryo adoption. Embryo Adoption is when a couple who has frozen embryos available that they can donate them to you in order to achieve having a child. Of course the child would not be ours genetically but we would in all intents and purposes be the parents of that child. I would carry the child(ren). I would birth them. This couple had been considering over 30 different couples and here we were in the final four. We had gotten through tons of hurdles. We would finally find out if we had the embryos within a few days. Our dreams could really become a reality. And then we weren't so sure.

Decision making when there are as many factors being in play as this had was difficult. We had to do alot of weighing the pros and the cons and make a decision. What if they picked us? What if they didn't? What did God really want us doing? A wrench was thrown into the spokes of the infertility wheel when we found out about a clinic and an infertility program that was approved by the Catholic Church and actually had a 65% success rate with its different methods in working with women with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) like I have. And now there was the surgery on my leg I would be having at the end of this month and crown for a tooth that Jeff broke. Finally, there was just not a complete agreement between he and I.

Fights broke out between us. I was mad at him. He was mad at me. Petty things got in the way of communications between us. Then I realized that a big part of it was because of me. I began to realize I wanted a child so much that I would go to any means I could. The reason for this was because every other option seemed to dwindle in front of me. I couldn't imagine my life without having children of my own. And I realized to that I was making it a "me" thing. In other words, it was always about what I wanted and not what was the best for Jeff and I together. Was I doing this only so the end result would justify the means by which I was trying to have children? Was I ruining my relationship along the way? Was I objectifying my spouse?

When we make decisions there are two very important components we need to consider: 1. Is this the best thing for us? 2. Am I communicating my needs and desires to my spouse and being open to what they have to say? Today I am going to work on these two areas in my life.

It doesn't matter if the decision is about something of this nature or about something completely different. When you are married or in any type of relationship, our life is not solely about myself or yourself. It's about everyone on the journey. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a nation to support an adult.

Day 100: What a screw up....

So, day 100 of my blog came and went and I screwed up. I didn't blog a single thing. And by not doing it I almost gave it up for good. Why didn't I blog? Because I simply never got around to it and I forgot. Isn't that sad? I was so busy between work, a doctor's appointment and ripping our kitchen apart to "remodel" the floors, etc. that I sat up at 2 a.m. on Day 101 and I exclaimed, "I forgot to write my blog yesterday!" And you know what....its no big deal. (I've been so forgetful that today I spent 10 minutes looking for a tube of blood at work I had drawn and I began to panic because I couldn't remember where I had put it down, when I looked at my hand and realized I had been holding it like a pen in my hand the whole time!)

I screw up. I acknowledge that. I am not always right. I will accept that. I am human.

So...onward to better things. Day 100 was filled with alot of searching and answers. Alot of insite into what to look at here in the next several months. Alot will be happening. I will try to keep you updated. For now, be at peace and forgive me for forgetting about the blog. To err is human.

Day 99: Seperating business from pleasure

Sometimes I have a hard time taking to work problems from home and taking home problems from work. Worse yet, taking problems in my social circle into both realms!! I may not share one with the other but chaos in one always tends to flow over into chaos from the other. Emotionally I am affected. If I've had a bad day at home, I tend to seclude myself off at work and not want to deal with anyone. I am not my "happy, perky self" according to colleagues. At home I begin to bark at family.

So what do I do? Unfortunately there is no happy answer. The timer rule doesn't work it you are holding on to things. How do you transition from one area of your life to the other without carrying forward all the chaos from the one you just came from? I guess if I had all the answers to those types of questions then I could retire, write a book and make a ton of money.

Today I am going to be working on learning how now to not wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am going to work on separating out these various parts of my life. Not only will this task affect me, but it should affect positively others in my life from each of the areas.

Days 97 and 98: It's MY life

Do you know of people in your life who take control of the conversations at a party and cut in to what you are trying to say? How do you feel when you start talking about something and someone stars talking about something totally different and you never get to finish what you were saying or talking about. Have you ever felt like if you walked away from a room no one would really notice that you are gone? Or have you ever felt hurt by something that someone said and yet when you approached them about it, they refused to acknowledge or see that they did anything wrong and even worse, they place the blame back on you for having a problem with it? This weekend's topic is all about not letting people take my life from me.

I've really been noticing lately how my mood and my confidence is affected by others who I let control my environment around me. My self esteem is shot when this happens and I revert into my own "world." Sometimes I play the "whoa is me" game or throw myself a pity party. I let others control my emotions or even my life. I have to learn to take a stand. The most important person in my life is me. No one else.

It may sound like a rant, but I can't do it anymore. I can't let people control me. I need to stand behind my convictions and what I need in my life. If I don't matter enough for the people in my life to place me in any priority in their life or to care to listen to me, then do they really have to be important in my life?

For those of you saying, "I really don't care what people say or think or do in regards to me...I am my own person, " well, to that I say good for you. Not everyone can be as strong and confidant as you. But then think about what you say to others that controls them and makes them feel inferior....or that negates what they say. While I am going to take control of my life, I don't intend to hurt and negate others along the way. Taking a stand means acknowledging my self..not degrading someone else.

So, this weekend I plan on taking a stand. Maybe I will have to sleep on the couch at times, or walk out of a room. I refuse to feel bad for feeling like I matter...for feeling like I am important if not to anyone else, at least to myself. I refuse to give up my feelings. I will take a stand.