Day 186: When Life hands you lemons, pull out a recipe book!

So I decided to blog today not because anything is going wrong or because anything for that matter is going right. I just decided I needed to blog. I actually feel content today and I am realizing that I need to make changes in my life that are positive yet realistic. Why? Because I am not proud of the things that I sometimes do.

What kinds of things you may ask? Well, sometimes I feel like I really am two different people. There is the innocent, former nun, enjoys being Catholic part of me and then there is the "balls to the wall," cussing, negative and controlling, making a cake of male genitalia (for work) part of me. It's that second part I am not so proud of.

I enjoy being devout, good, and innocent in a way but the desire to fit in sometimes takes control and I conform to what others want me to do. The environment I work in isn't always condusive to be the way I want yet its the only way I can make the money we need to pay bills and eventually someday be out of debt. (Although the light at the end of that tunnel always seems so far away...). I really want to write. I want to be published. But I don't even know where to start. Maybe actually finishing the book I am writing would be a big help.

Speaking of books...I am reading a great one by Jim Moret, former CNN correspondent and currently with Inside Edition. It's called, "The Last Day of My Life" and it's about what he went through when he considered suicide and how his thought about what he needed to do if he only had truly 24 hours to live is what in the end saved his life. It's reflective and thought provoking. It's also a quick read at 160 pages.

Why this sudden desire to be different? It's not a sudden desire. Rather, it's a desire to return to myself. 14 years ago I was praying every morning, my music genre consisted predominately of Christian or Catholic music, and I saw open doors and was able to walk through them. After I left the convent, I closed the door on that past life. I regret that in a way. I think its time I retry to open that door and take out of the closet and dust off what and I who I was in the past and try and make it a part of who I am now.

I think that is really what this blog is all about for me. It's about allowing me to become not just a new or better me but a revitalized newer self. I am not planning on throwing myself out of my life and who I am but rather just improving. It just takes time and work. And I haven't given it up.

Day 165: Having abandoned it all...

Someone suggested to me today that I should write my blog. I am in a rather weird space mentally and emotionally right now. So much has happened in the last few weeks that I feel sometimes that I carry the anxiety of others and their issues along for the journey rather than doing things for myself. I have so much difficulty separating things in my life. I am not talking about being able to separate work and my personal life. Anymore,its being able to separate others' needs from my own needs. I give in way to much.

I deserve more in my life. I deserve some happiness. I deserve the ability to dream and feel like they are accomplishable.

I never intended this blog to be used as a venting block. No...it was to be a path to improving myself and journeying to become a better me. And where am I at in it all? I am a failure. I haven't blogged in over a month. I feel as though I have taken 10 steps back instead of 2 steps forward.

How do I begin to let go? I thought that I had but it all seems to keep coming back. I am drained. If I feel my life is good when others happen to be down and going through rough times its crass and insensitive of me. When I am down its as if others are doing better and then people get upset with me for not being happy for others.

How do I begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel when its hard to even move forward to see that the tunnel ends or that there is anything in life other than the darkness of the tunnel.

I am beginning to believe this 365 days to a new me is not realistic...that it isn't something I can accomplish....that is was stupid of me to have even tried since I was setting myself up for failure.

I've gotta move on. Somehow I will figure it out. Until then I will continue to try to blog. Thank you for all of you putting up with my craziness.

Day 135: Where to from here...

I have no good excuse for not writing my blog other than to say that I failed at this attempt to write every day. The last few weeks have been physically and mentally demanding. Things happening in my personal life, which I have been careful on here not to share too too much of because of family and friends and their privacy, have taken hold of my life. It's been all that I can do to stay above water when everyone's flood of issues or problems directly or indirectly affect your life and come your way. And then there was the surgery.

On what would have been day 122 I had surgery to fix a muscle and nerve in my leg that was physically affecting me in my ability to walk and do the things I wanted to do. My excitement about the surgery (if you could call it excitement) was that I had this grandiose ideal that instantly my foot would be better. Rather, over the last almost 2 weeks I have been having to learn patience and realize that it takes time for the body to heal....advice I had given other family members. I've had a hard time letter others do for me because I have to ask them to help me and I feel like I am imposing.

The other hard thing after the surgery that I have faced is depression. We'd like to blame it on the anesthesia or even the Demerol that they shot me up with after the surgery but I don't know it that's the answer. I have gone without taking pain pills as I hate the way they make me feel and they give me a feeling of anxiety. The depression is far outweighing the pain though. What if the pain from the surgery never truly goes away? What if when the healing has completed I am left without the capability to fully use the leg? What if I have even more pain when I use it? What if I can never do a walk around the block/neighborhood/ or a hike again? There were things I thought were easily to accomplish back before the surgery and now realize I must have been taking it for granted. And then there is just the sadness...this overwhelming sadness that makes me feel like I am a failure. And I begin to believe it.

I believe it because I wanted to accomplish writing for the 365 days and say that I came through it and did it and accomplished something. But I didn't. I have kind of given up. What keeps me from continuing on something? Why do I give up when things get a little rough? Who was I writing this blog for anyways? I can't even look people in the eye when they start to talk about my blog because I know I have failed at it. And worse yet is when people say, "Well...you tackled something hard..I am surprised that you lasted this long on it." It was like I had set myself up for failure and everyone had known it but me. And last night my husband made the statement that 365 days wouldn't make me perfect. I wasn't looking to be perfect...just looking to to better myself and be a better person than what I was.

Unfortunately if I quit now, everything I had worked for on this blog gets flushed down the toilet. I become the failure even more that I have been feeling I am. I quit at one more thing. I end up with nothing to maintain me being motivated for anything. When will it end. Yet I know that I can't write on a daily or even every couple of days basis. I will have to write when I can write. I am doing this blog for me. While others read it and comment, I have to remember that I started it to better myself. If others benefit from it, that's great..but I have to be true to me and whatever the journey turns into.

So..I am not quiting this journey. I will see it through for the 365 days. But things are changing. I won't blog everyday. I will blog when I can. I will promise myself not to be blogging for the reader but rather instead for myself and what I need to do. You all matter to me. But I need to do this for me. It's about time I step up and take care of myself.

Day 118: An Environmental Change

I woke up this morning and it felt as though a haze had lifted from my eyes and though I had slept better than I ever had. I didn't think I would be writing my blog before next week, so consider this entry a lucky entry. Here we are, Jeff and I, in Baneberry, Tennessee...a little town that consists of a golf course with a bar and grill and a set of mailboxes and one police officer who will give you a $100 ticket if your drive through the parking lot to short cut the corner. (No...we didn't do it...we just heard about it from some locals.) The most amazing thing is that this is what I believe people mean when they talk about "God's country."

Instantly as we drove yesterday into the state of Tennessee we felt a connection with the state and the people. We felt at home immediately and the southern hospitality was like none other. There was something in the air...something that felt right. Something that felt like we were home. Why? No idea. Maybe it was because of the stress we left behind in Indiana. But maybe its because we have finally found where we truly want to be.

Sometimes environmental change can make us into better people. Think of it this way...the oil spill in the gulf is impacting the environment which impacts physically the life of the wild life and nature around it. When the environment is negative then the impact to the surroundings is negative. The same then is with us as humans in our environment. Could the reason for the physical wearing down of us and our health, etc., be because of our environment at home in South Bend, IN? The pollution, the natural sarcasticness of the "Hoosier hospitality," or even the lack of a future employment market and a slumping housing market?

Where is our life headed? What do we see our future looking like? Do we stay in South Bend for the sake of others or do we start to live our lives? We have alot to ask ourselves. We have pros and cons to discuss but maybe, just maybe, we have found our future here in the state of Tennessee. This is something we have to pray about. This is something we have to look at and really decide on. Never have we felt like this before about anywhere we went. Pray for us. It won't be tomorrow or next week that we move down here. But maybe, just maybe at some point here, we will be here.

Days 110 thru 114: An update

I had every intention to write...I truly did. But because of a couple reasons I didn't get anything on here. The first reason was impacted because of the second. Firstly, I decided to procrastinate a little bit on Friday. I had hoped to write this blog early that morning but a few situations at home had me scrambling to get to work. Then all hell broke loose! A family emergency hit and soon all time had gone for the day. As the weekend came and went, so did my energy and ability to just take enough time to stop and think. Now...as this week will progress I will be traveling in the early morning hours for work, will be traveling on vacation, and then eventually in a little over a week I will be having surgery. So...what to do?

For the next week I plan on taking a break from the blog. I need time to break away from it. Will it start back up again? Hopefully...only time will tell. It's not that I don't want to write the blog or that I don't want to improve my life. Rather, I need to focus on it more and less worry about what I am going to write and how I will write it and whether I am saying the right things. So, for the next week I am going to take a break on the blog. My intentions are to begin writing again next Wednesday, May 26th. Maybe I will do it sooner, but if not, my goal is next week. I need a vacation. I need to not have to think or work hard at anything other than enjoying my life and the moment.

Thank you for all that you all have done. For reading my blog. Check back in a week and maybe I will be back. Until them, have a great week.

Day 109: Live more simply

As my father-in-law and their neighbor have been working on our kitchen, tearing up the floor and putting down tile to improve the look of our kitchen, we have been forced to eat off paper plates and out in our living room. Having lost our grill due to it shooting fire out at my husband like a dragon, we can't even attempt to cook outside. (Plus it has rained nearly every day). Unfortunately we can't afford to go out to eat every day either. So what are our options? Cold lunch meat sandwiches for supper. For some this may not seem so dramatic. For us its been a lesson in learning to live more simply.

Recently I read an article in a magazine where the couple, who had lost their 4,000 square foot home to a fire rebuilt their home using just two shed from their back yard. Instead of the home being 4000 square feet they brought it down to 925 square feet...barely a kitchen and a bedroom and bathroom existed. What they spoke about was learning to live simply.

Why should we learn to live more simply? It's not because of times like this where we are forced to move into smaller spaces or for when we are doing renovations. And its not so that I don't have to keep cleaning up things. Rather, having so many things in our life tend to clutter up our lives and re-prioritize our thinking and even what we find important. What use is it having so much stuff? Some may say that it is so they can keep up with the Joneses. (Who are these supposedly elusive Joneses anyway? They don't live on my street. Most of the Joneses I know live in the projects next to my street. Why would I want to live that poor?) Some may say that it gives them happiness. Isn't what you have and don't have the bone of contention of arguments in a marriage?

So many people think that having things may make them happy. This happiness is a temporary thing. Think about it...you go our and buy a new thing...a video game console, a sound system, puzzles, books, anything. You are so excited about it that you tell everyone about it or you spend the next two weeks using the item until you've actually grown tired of it. The next thing you know it sits and gathers dust. Sure on occasion you actually pull it out or look at it and then it gets put on the shelf once again. Are these things that we really need in our lives?

Yesterday I started cleaning things out of different areas of our home. I looked at these things and realized I really didn't need these things. I looked at them and thought...."hmmm...if I had only thought about the fact that I wouldn't really need these things two weeks after I bought them maybe I wouldn't have gotten them." It's nice to want. It's nice to be able to share with others in your life the bragging stories that come along with owning things. But it is worth it? Do people love you any more just because you have an expensive car or alot of things? No. Is popularity all that important? For some, yes. For the former nerd/athlete like myself? No.

I'm nearing 40 and every year that I get closer to that means dropping my high school mentality of trying to fit in with the popular crowd. So what's more important in your life? Having? Being? Or is it just living simply? Think about it. I gotta go....I have more decluttering to do.

Days 106, 107 and 108: Confidence is high!

Back in high school when my western civilization teacher was asked if we were going to have a test or a quiz that week or if the upcoming test was going to be a difficult one he use to respond by exclaiming, "Confidence is high!" It would be much easier and prepare us much more if we had someone in life to prepare us in this way as we ventured into adulthood as well. But what did that mean when that teacher would say "Confidence is high?" While it prepared us to know there was a test or quiz coming up, it also helped us to become more confident in what we knew as we studied the information that we needed for that test or quiz.

When I crawl out of bed in the morning the hardest thing to say let alone think is "confidence is high!" I wake up grumpy that I even have to get out of bed! However, we really do need to start off our morning with that saying. Why? Because it reminds us that we can make it through the day. It reminds us that we can accomplish things. It reminds us to believe in ourselves.

Recently, someone in my life has been dealing with a confidence issue. Last night I found myself talking to them about believing in themselves while not losing their sense of who they are. As we try to build confidence ourselves we have to make sure that we aren't losing a sense of who we are and try to be someone we are not. A typically shy person shouldn't just try to be more extroverted as they may look at how they can be more extroverted and start saying things just to say things in conversation that are hurtful to others or that shouldn't be talked about. A person with fears shouldn't just "go for it" and attack all their fears hoping to "get over it." When people in these areas try to "have confidence," when they fail, they fall big time. It shatters their confidence even more and it keeps them from moving forward in the future.

As I spoke to this person last night and they recounted how they were trying to be more confident in themselves I saw myself in them in a way. I realized what I had gone through to get me to where I was. While I am not the most confident person in the world, I worked at it. I didn't always write like this....I actually came close to failing my creative writing class in college. But I didn't have confidence at the time in myself. What I did was study. I studied my life. I studied other people and how they wrote. And I began to believe in myself. Confidence is the key to starting the vehicle of our life that takes us places. Belief and study are what gives us the key.

Today I will be working at my own confidence and how I get there. Sometimes I don't believe in myself and that is an area I have to work on. In my own career I am a supervisor. I need to start being that and having confidence that when I make a decision under that title at work that I need to stick with it and have confidence in it. So...for these last 3 days, that's where I am at. Confidence is high!