Day 96: Clearing your head

I have a headache. I know why. It's not because I couldn't sleep last night due to nervousness about the test I am going to have on my leg today. It's not because I haven't been drinking enough water or too much water. I didn't even drink any alcohol yesterday. No. My headache is because I think too much.

That sounds funny, I know. But it's true. Have you ever had so much running through your head that it literally gave you a headache? I have...frequently. Whether it's stuff going on at work, home or social life, it all seems to come back into the head in the evenings leaving me with one whopping of a weird dream and a headache in the morning. Why does this happen? Why does my head fill with so much that it lead to the headache? Because I allow it to.

I know that sometimes we fill our live with so many things we force ourselves into these predicaments. Sometimes though, we have no option. Our health, our family, or environments all need attention and the responsibility falls on us. Sure we can take time out for ourselves to try to recoup, but most of us don't have the luxury of doing that every day. While my dream in life would be to sit in my log cabin (a dream yes...) out in the country somewhere surrounded by nothing but nature and write my novels that is not a reality. I have responsibility right now that I can't avoid. I have to think about others in my life. Thus...the headache.

So, I guess today I am not saying that I am going to work more on clearing my head or anything like that. Rather, I am going to just deal with it. I will eventually take something for it (Tylenol, Excedrin or whatever later that I can't take right now due to a procedure/test in a few hours.). Sometimes we just have to allow those headaches to happen. It helps us acknowledge that we are human, that sometimes we don't need to take on the world on our shoulders and that we need to take some time out for ourselves.

Headaches...they are a part of life. They happen. Life happens. Today is about life happening. And I am just going to let it. It keeps me on my toes.

Day 95: Walking with another

There are things in our lives that we struggle with. Yesterday I spoke about suffering and how it's okay. While its okay to acknowledge the suffering its also very important to work at moving beyond the suffering. We aren't to keep our lives full of pain and sadness. Rather, we need to keep moving forward. We have to try to do things, accomplish things, and continuing moving forward. If that wasn't the intention of where our lives were supposed to go then the length of the human day would have been more like years as opposed to hours. We are given 24 hours because we are supposed to live that day to the fullest and move on.

In our lives though, we are given people to help us along the way as well as people that we are to help along the way. We are given permanent people and we are given temporary people. People whose experiences we can learn from and people who we will teach. What we need to do is realize that no matter what is going on in our lives, we are not alone.

We are meant to walk with other people in our lives. Today I will be more responsible to recognizing that I am not alone and that it is important that I don't try to walk this path alone. Whether its the fertility issue, struggles with spirituality, or just everyday life, we are meant to walk this journey with others. Why else would I have started this blog? I want to walk this walk not alone but accompanied by others.

What's important as well is that we don't force ourselves on others in regards to walking with them. In other words, don't try and be a boy scout and help an unaccepting lady across the street! I will pay more attention to others needs and walk with them whether it is long term or short term. I will accompany them and listen and only be there for them to let them know I am here. I won't pretend to know all the answers or even think that I have to be right with my advise all the time. I won't advise...I will just walk with them. Sometimes I will just take them by the hand and when they give up I will help them stay walking.

(Interesting analogy from a woman who can barely walk 50 feet because of a foot injury,eh? But you get the point, right?)

Day 94: Suffering

One of the things I learned this weekend at the evening of reflection that I went to was that suffering is okay. From a religious standpoint, suffering reminds us of the cross that Jesus carried and that we all do need to carry our cross. From a non-religious standpoint, suffering is needed to humble us and to remind us that we aren't the center of attention in the world and that we don't get to control everything in life. Suffering reminds people that sometimes life really does suck. And life does have to suck in order for us to grow and change.

Think of it this way. A tree that receives no trimming and cutting will grow wild and all over the place. There is no control of it and it turns into chaos. When the branches are cut or trimmed, the tree will grow better, healthier, and more organized. The tree has to suffer the cutting in order to grow. We are alot like the tree. We can't always have things our way. We can't always control. We have to deal with pain and suffering and uncertainty in order to grow healthier, better, and more organized in who we are.

We also have to acknowledge that suffering is okay in our lives. I don't mean that we are to stand on a street corner and shout, "WHOA IS ME!!!!! OH HOW I SUFFER!!!!!" No. And sometimes I know that I tend to use social networking as my platform for acknowledging my suffering to anyone who will read it. (I have to change doing that and remind myself that its not necessary for everyone to know what ails me.) But we do have to acknowledge and not stuff back in our lives the suffering we encounter.

Now, I am not talking about allowing yourself to "suffer" over a small thing and to drag it on. Or even to allow yourself to suffer because you didn't like the outcome of a decision that someone or yourself made. Rather, we must carry our own crosses and understand that the pain of what we are going through in life is important to feel and to know that it shouldn't be diminished.

There are certain things in my life that I don't talk about with other people. There are things that Jeff and I haven't talked to other people about regarding our infertility and we realized that we don't have to tell anyone anything. What we choose to say or do is our decision. We are the ones suffering through this path of infertility. Please be patient with us on this. Allow us to suffer. Allow us to grieve and do the things we need to do. Do not come to us and say, I understand how you feel. Do not tell us to adopt, lose weight, try harder, don't try so hard, or any of a number of other pieces of advice. Allow us to deal with this. Do say..."hey that really sucks" or "I'll be praying for you" or "if you need anything, let me know" or even, "hey...I'm here for you." Those words are the most comforting during suffering. Those are phrases that provide more comfort to any form of suffering than any other thing that can be said.

Today I am going to be allowing myself to understand what it means to be at the foot of the cross. When Jesus died, his mother and his followers, some of whom he called brothers, were at the foot of the cross. While Jesus suffered the physical dieing on the cross, the loss of their loved one imparted suffering amongst his brothers and mother. Michelangelo's the Pieta is a great reminder of the agony of suffering and the acceptance of it as well. If you have seen the Pieta you may remember that Mary, Jesus's mother is holding and grieving for the loss of her son. Her left hand remains outstretched though. This outstretched arm signifies her accepting what suffering that God has given her with the loss of her son and yet the acknowledgement that she surrenders that suffering back to God.

Today, I will outstretch my arms and acknowledge my suffering, and also surrender it back to God. I am thankful that God loves me this much that he would impart this upon me.

Day 93: I'm no Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck

What does Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and everyone reading this blog have in common? All of us have or are characters. This weekend, Jeff and I watched a movie about a young man who makes some bad choices and ends up in juvenile detention. This young man had been a star rugby player at his school. While detained he is afforded the opportunity to play Rugby for a team that was his arch rival when he was not locked up. This difference was the coaching. The coach for the arch rival team didn't just team the boys how to play rugby, and that wasn't the reason they won. Rather, he taught them that their character was more important than winning games. He taught them never to do anything that would embarrass their family, their friends, or their team mates. He built their character.

We have a responsibility to developing our own character. Who we are deep down, not just who we plan to be, is just as important as this journey I am on. Determining who I am deep down is something that I have been reflecting on. Is who I project my character to be the same as what I want it to be? How am I projecting myself? Do I show one face to certain people and another face to another group, changing my character and changing my belief system along the way to meet the needs of who I am at the same time? These are questions I began asking myself over the last two days and today seems like the best time to really address it in my life.

I want to be the person who is non-judgemental to everyone...including my family. I don't want to be someone who is looked at as someone who objectifies other people. I want others to see that something important to me is my faith, my family, and life in general. I want others to recall my character as being honorable, courageous, and compassionate.

I have alot to work on still, but at least its a start. What does your character say about you? Do you project the person that you want to be? Do you conform to become someone different for different groups of people in order to be liked by all? Or do you stand for what you truly believe in?

Day 92: The humor of the late night blog tonight

Yes...you probably searched for a blog all day on this day only never to see it online. There were 2 reasons. First, I had to be up very early for work and was out of the office all day thus no time to do the blog. Secondly, today was an important day of reflection. Yesterday, Jeff and I were able to spend an evening with 10 other couples experiencing fertility. The evening made us ponder many things, one being how we connect to each other as a married couple. The other was how our journey together has changed from our courtship up until now and the sufferings of infertility.

As a result of this last evening I had spent alot of day reflecting in some of these things. So...my day wasn't meant fixing a problem. Rather, it was to reflect and think and to begin to acknowledge what ad where our journey is going...Jeff's and mine. Over the course of this next week there will be topics that I will blog about that were areas they spoke about and of which I have began to really acknowledge the need for integration into my life. So that's it for tonight.

Days 90 and 91: The three month hump

The title of today's blog has got me laughing for a variety of reasons that I won't go into. If you know what I do for a living it is a very humorous title. Anyways. Today is day 90 of the blog. 3 months I have been writing this blog. This also means that I still have 275 days left of the blog. After some long thinking and evaluating this whole process I have made a decision to do something a little off the path than what I was doing these past 90 days. Do not worry, I am still taking the journey. What is affected instead is the blogging.

Beginning this weekend, the blog will only be written once for the weekend...either Saturday or Sunday. My goal will to be to write about my task on Saturday mornings but it may be Sunday at times before it is written. Why is this? After thinking about it, I saw that my weekend tasks were sometimes minuscule things. Although small they were still important to do. But did I really do them to the fullest? Weekends are so varied and sometimes we filled them with tons of things and sometimes we had nothing to do. By taking one task and working on it for the entire weekend it has a much greater opportunity for me to accomplish it and to make an impact with that task.

This was not an easy decision as I wanted to live my original plan for the blog. Realistically, each weekend was harder and harder to write as I didn't feel I had been able to give it my all. This way of doing the blog and the journey will give me a greater opportunity to reflect on the process and that specific topic. It's a good thing. Change is good.

Day 89: The Power of Change

Yes, I do recall that I have spoken about change before. Today as I speak about change I believe that I am coming at it from a different angle. Today I will come at change from the eyes of someone else as opposed to me.

How often are we approached with change around us and while we deal with a little anxiety about it for a few seconds, eventually we accept it and move forward not letting it get to us too much? Once we moved forward the change doesn't seem to be too big of a deal but for that moment when it is occurring our heads begin to swim, we look for every reason under the sun to not accept it, and we panic. Once we've moved beyond it we look back and think...psssha..that was no big deal.

What about the people in our lives who haven't been able to move beyond the anxiety and stress? How do we deal with that? Sometime we have individuals that we want to just shake and say....Hey!!!! It's no big deal!!!! In a way, we need to be more compassionate to them. We need to remember the anxiety we may have felt about certain changes in our own life where we held on just a bit longer.

It doesn't mean that we cajole them and baby them. Rather it means that we step back, pull ourselves out of the chaos they are going through and help them move out of the chaos and stress and anxiety. We don't do that by yelling or telling them they are wrong. Rather we work on being patient with them. We give them their time and their space but let them know we are there to help them through this if needed.

The power of change can make or break a person. Change the furniture in a house of a person who has never changed it around and you will see anxiety. Add another person into the mix at work or in your circle of friends and you'll see it too. Today I will be a bit more patient with people who have a hard time with change. Who knows....I may need it at sometime here in the future too.

Day 88: Smile

Thank God its Thursday. I know, I know....there are usually people saying that when it's a Friday. But for me today, I am grateful that it's Thursday. At least it's not Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday! It's been one of those weeks that you look forward to it being over...no matter what you do for a living or what's going on in your life. This week has been one of those weeks for me.

One of the things that I feel I am good at trying to do (whether I achieve at it or not) is attempting to make others happy. While this blog is about helping me to improve, part of that task is helping others. If we go around in our life only trying to please ourselves and stuck in only "spoiling" ourselves, we lose site at something that really does feel good. Nothing feels as good as making someone else smile and laugh. Today I am going to work on doing that more. When I make others smile and laugh I feel better myself. So, I guess in a way it does benefit me.

Remember, at least today is Thursday. That means it's not Monday. While you may not want to, try and help someone smile today. Even if it does mean making yourself look silly. You'll laugh about it later once you see someone's spirit lifted.

Have a good day!

Day 87: Fear Factor

Fear has been a topic I have covered before. I know that. The fear I am feeling right now is different. It's like no other fear I have ever felt before. It's a fear that has encompassed me since I heard news yesterday about a potential issue I am facing. Normally I keep an issue in like this and only tell a select few. But my fear is so great right now that I think its important that I just talk about it...get it off my chest. So many factors are involved.

As you know, yesterday's blog talked about my standing up for my body and knowing myself and what's going on. I did that. I wasn't prepared to hear what I heard though. After over 2 years of struggling with my leg/foot issue the doctor is pretty sure he knows what it is. In a week and a half I will be having an EMG (electroblahblahblahgraphy...yeah...I don't know what it stands for but it means they are going to do a nerve conduction test of some sort.) The doctor is pretty sure that I have peroneal nerve compression happening as that was what the podiatrist thought was happening last November and placed me in a boot for 6-8 weeks. When I asked the doctor yesterday what the plan of action is if it turns out he is correct. He looked at me and said, "surgery."

This is something I have anticipated could happen, but I had not idea it could be the type of surgery that he was telling me I would need. I thought maybe fixing the ligament or something if that nature, but never about the nerve. When I looked up last night what that would entail I wasn't prepared to see what I saw. The recovery time and the rate of success is not promising. Well, maybe promising isn't the word. It's not ideal is more like it. I have to work. I have to be able to function and have both of my feet and the ability to walk. I am just overwhelmed with it all.

Then there is another issue. Very few people know about this, but Jeff and I have been working towards doing embryo adoption in order to have children. We filled out our applications, payed the fee we had to, and have a couple considering us right now. What this entails is a couple offering us their frozen embryos so that we can carry a child to term. By all means the child I give birth to, regardless of genetics, is legally considered ours. It's not cheap. We anticipate expenses ranging anywhere from a couple thousand to up to $10,000. It's money we don't have and little by little on top of all our other expenses we are trying to save for. This potential surgery puts that on hold even longer and if we can't figure out how to financially afford both, may even put the option further impossible. I have wanted a family and children more than anything in my life. I have watched my siblings have their children and their family and keep moving forward in life while I have always been the last at everything. I have been stagnant...in limbo...in everything in my life.

So...today I am feeling fear. Fear of what the future brings, especially if its something I am not prepared to deal with. Fear of loss....loss physically of some things I took for granted, such as my ability to walk and function in the way I am accustomed. Or even the loss of the dream of having a child. What I am going through I know requires alot of trust and I am not doing well with trust right now. Last week when my blue and pink silicone bracelets with the phrase, "Believe in Miracles" embossed on it arrived at my door, I was excited and I was truly believing that they are possible. Right now I am having a hard time believing that they can happen for me. Where do I go from here?

I keep praying. I keep holding out hope. I try to take everything one day at a time. I keep trying to believe in miracles. What else can I do?!?!?

Day 86: Know thy own self

Yeah...you probably thought that meant to know who I was and who I am to be. Nope. Not today. Rather, today I am going to the doctor regarding a nagging foot issue. One that I have been dealing with for over two years now. I am finally fed up with what is going on with my foot and the care I have been getting so I return to the source....my family doctor.

What prompted this visit was a swollen ankle last week...an abnormal symptom for my ankle issue but one that caused extreme difficulty and pain. So, on again the boot went and some relief after about 4 days of consistent wear of it. I get a call yesterday that they will move up my appointment from next week until today. So what happens? My swelling goes away but I still have the pain. Sometimes, when the doctors can't see swelling I often think that they think that the pain is made up. To be going through this for over 2 years now I can honestly tell you that its not in my head. My dream of walking or running a 5 k are put back on hold again...maybe permanently.

So what am I feeling about it all? I need to be strong today and insistent that something needs to be done. No more physical therapy. No more guessing games. This is real. This hurts. I need to look at my doctor in the eyes and say, "Something needs to be done." Why is it that I tend to chicken out and not get all that I want to say out when I talk to my doctor.

I know my own body. I know my self. I know what hurts. I know too that I need to stand up for what I know needs to be paid attention to. This is something that pertains to not just our bodies, rather it also pertains to other parts of our life. I need at times to stand up even to myself and remind myself what I need to pay attention to in my life. So, while this task started off today talking about my leg and foot, it has been a reminder to stand up and take charge of my life and to pay attention to what I need to work on. It was my own push of myself and holding myself accountable. Sometimes we all need to do that. Today is my day.

Day 85: Who I was born to be

Recently I was given the task of learning a song (on guitar and vocally) I had really only heard once or twice. The song is called "Who I was born to be." While trying to learn the song it really made me think alot about my childhood up until now. I have started to think and ask myself the question: "Am I who I was born to be?"

We need to look at our lives consistently and ask ourselves these types of questions. Why else would I have started this blog. When I started the blog I was looking at changing myself. As I continue to write this blog and take on tasks I am realizing that maybe at the end of the year of writing this blog that I will find that I really didn't change and become a new me but rather was made aware of who I was born to be instead? Maybe I will find that all along I was who I was born to be.

Today I will be driving to a county I don't normally have to work in. It will give me a great opportunity to sit and think. It will give me the opportunity to think about what I am doing, where I am going with this all, and how to continue going on with it. There have been too many days that I have "gotten off easy" on the blog and I can't keep doing that if I am totally committed to this journey. I have to start thinking more about this journey and what other areas I need to work on or what things I do positively. Is there a chance that this journey could end before the 365 days? Yes...possibly. Do I want it to end before then? No, I don't want it to end. Maybe I just need to refocus my journey. I don't know, but today and my travels will give me the opportunity to think about alot of this.

Are you who you were born to be? Are the ideals that you had when you were younger the same ideals you have now? Are you still holding on to something from your past that you don't feel you've achieved or that you haven't re-evaluated? Maybe today should be that day for you.

Day 84: Nothing to see here people...nothing to see.

Sorry that there is no blog for Day 84. A migraine took over from the minute I woke up and all I wanted to do was relax for a majority of the day. It wasn't a stone wall day. Just a day of rest. I'll try and make up for it with Day 85.

Day 83: Hitting a stone wall

There comes a time when you are so committed to something that you can't even think straight anymore. Today is that day.

I've been writing this blog for 83 days now and today I don't even want to write anything. I just want to get through my day without thinking about what I have to do for the day. I want to just enjoy the day.

I have hit a stone wall today. A stone wall on this journey that requires concentration and dedication. I have hit a stone wall. I am not going to say that I am going to do anything. I am just going to go about my day.

I am not stopping this blog at all in the least bit. I am just letting it stew a bit today. I am letting it just be.

Maybe tomorrow there will be a blog. Just not today. Today is stone wall day.

Day 82: Living in the moment

They say life is short, so play hard. What I have been learning is that it is important to live in the moment....to live only for today...and when possible, live like you were dying. What does that mean to live like you were dying. Does it mean to spend all your money and do things that otherwise you might consider irrational. No. Rather, it means to treat people in such a way that you won't regret if today was your last day on earth.

It also means taking risks and doing things you don't normally do. It means pushing yourself to the limit. This is something that I have been trying to do more. When I learned that a friend had cancer a few weeks back, I realized that I am not getting younger. (And my body reminds me of this on a daily basis.) What have I been doing with my life? Am I living my life in such a way that I am trying only to seek reward and acknowledgement from others or am I truly enjoying life? Am I taking risks and doing things out of the ordinary? I wasn't. Now is the time. Now is the time that we take risks. (Not stupid risks like giving all your money away....) We start letting the people we love know that we love them. We let those we care about know that we care about them. We take the time now to spend time with our loved ones. And we learn to let bygones be bygones.

What is going on in your life that prevents you from living in the moment and living like you were dying? Today I enjoy myself. I am happy as I work at a great place with some interesting and some amazing people. Today really is the first day of the rest of our lives. So why not live it that way?

Day 81: Spring has sprung; bloom where you are planted

What a beautiful day it was last evening thus a yard cleaning ensued. Yesterday after work we began our spring cleaning in our yard only. We figured out about half way through it was more than we could handle in one day. Regardless, we got what we could get done in one evening done and decided to revisit the task this weekend sometimes. The challenge lays in the the fact that our bodies are now so sore that we have to talk them into working the next time!!!

One of the tasks we had was to transplant several flowers and starts. It brought to mind for me the concept that we need to bloom where we are planted. What does that mean? It means that wherever you reside that you need to make the most out of it and become a beacon for others...a helper, a guide, a positive influence. This has been interesting for me to try and live.

Our neighborhood was dubbed as the "ghetto" by a sibling. (Although its not in my opinion as bad as some places I have to travel to for work.) The challenge we were faced with when we moved here was the fact that no one talked to each other. We were lucky to get to know the neighbors on either side of us and behind us. But what have we done with that relationship? Nothing.

This year things are going to change. We will get to know more neighbors...intentionally. How do you build a better and more safer neighborhood other than through getting to know the people you live next too? When we bloom where we are planted we make positive steps in revitalizing our neighborhood and in making it safer for others. Today I am going to strive to become a better person to my neighbors and in my neighborhood.

Day 80: I feel pretty, oh so pretty....

There are alot of days where I get up in the morning, shower, throw on a pair of jeans and a sweater or shirt, brush my hair and off to work I go. I don't froo froo myself up by putting on makeup or a fancy hair do. I like to live simply.

But there are some days that you get up in the morning and you want to feel pretty (or for you guys reading this you won't to look handsome and suave). No matter what you do you can't pull it together and you tend to walk out the door and not be able to walk the "I look good" walk. Today though, I am going to walk out my door and I am going to walk the "I look good walk." It's important that we look at each day and want to feel like we look good, regardless of whether we are wearing a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, or a tiara and strapless dress. The "I look good walk" requires us to want to feel and look good.

Why is this important? Because we need that confidence to get through our day. Because we need to feel important in our lives. We need that rush of excitement about looking good, regardless of if one or no one actually comments on it.

Think about it. When you walk out your door feeling like a million bucks you hold your head up a little higher, your walk is a little lighter, and even the skies look brighter. We even tend to be more positive then at work. We all need that in our lives. It doesn't matter if you are a lawyer,doctor, social worker, or a garbage man. We all can do "the walk."

So often I let everything going on in my environment dictate how I feel or how I look at the world. So...today I am going to start working on building my confidence in a way. I am going to every day walk out of my front door and say to myself, "I look good!" I am going to go through my day not worrying that I don't look right or that I am being judged. I going to walk the walk.

Day 79: Believe in Miracles

For some reason this morning and for the last several days I have had the phrase in my head, "Believe in Miracles." I don't know why or what that means but for some reason it just keeps coming up into my head. Sure there are a ton of ways that I could experience a miracle in my life but I don't feel that miracles can happen to or for me. So why the phrase? Just because of that....because I don't believe.

Why can't a miracle happen for me? When will it happen? Will it be something I really really want? These are questions I use to ask. What I have to realize is that if I anticipate that a miracle will happen to me I will not receive that miracle as then I will begin to think it's a right. If it's something I am wanting is it really a miracle? I don't think so. If I have the fortunate opportunity to have a miracle happen in my life it will not be in my time nor based on just because I want something.

The big thing is not whether I will have a miracle or not but rather that I begin to believe that anything is possible. As long as I trust that anything is possible I can be more open to whatever is intended for me in my life. Call it destiny or fate. Call it whatever you want. What's most in important is not what it is called but that I believe it is possible. My believing it is possible can make it possible. I need to keep my head up high and not give up. I have to believe.

Day 78: I don't know where I'm going...I only know where I've been

Today I will be traveling for work to a city I don't commonly travel to and to and area I am unfamiliar with. As I spoke with my client on Friday trying to get directions, I knew that based on how he was telling me to get there that I would probably get lost. My own pride got in the way and there was no way in the world I was going to tell him that I had no idea where any of the stuff he was telling me was at. In our life, on any journey, we will run across these times. The question becomes: do you keep going hoping to find the place eventually or do you stop and ask directions?

The great thing about technology is that many people have a GPS (global positioning system) that they put in their car to help them find their way. Yesterday I obtained one to use for this trip for work today. How exciting it is that I can put in my destination and it will get me there. In our life journey we have a GPS. (Sorry for you non-religious but it's about to get "holy.") Our GPS is God (or whatever higher being you believe in.) Like a GPS we have someone (or something) telling us what our destination is and if we put trust in it, it will get us there. But like anything you have to update the connection, whether its updating the maps on the GPS or our relationship with God.

What I have to learn to do is trust in my GPS...my God positioning system. It's God's plan for my life and sometime he's going to detour me and sometimes the roads will be clear and fine. I am enjoying thinking about how this trip today is a great time for me to reconnect with God. Maybe I will keep my radio off (which I tend to do anytime I am in the car now...) and just listen to what God wants me to hear.

Where is your life headed and do you stop to ask for directions? Or do you have a "GPS" (God positioning system) in your life? It's a good way to start off the week..

Day 77: Give me a break

I needed a break from things today. A little break of time, the blog, and everything. We needed time today to pray, to meditate, and to come to a point of balance today again. Lately it seems that we have been rushing around in our lives and not stopping to actually think. We live on impulse and spontaneity sometimes and it literally tires you out!

Today I also broke a box of ceramic tiles that were to be used on our kitchen floor. Also a sign to slow down. Instead of taking my time and holding on to the box correctly, I was rushing and I didn't grab it correctly. Boom it went on top of my mother-in-law's foot! Not a good thing to happen as she was also having a rough day.

Sometimes we have to slow down and not try to do ten thousand things at once. We have to take the time to spend with our furbabies (aka: our dogs.) and each other and slow down. Thus, the reason my blog today is a bit late.

Slow down today. That's why it's Sunday. In history Sunday was intended as the day of rest. So why do we do as much as we can in that one day? From now on I am going to work on making Sunday's our day of rest and enjoyment....not days of stress and work. Maybe it's something for others to think about too!

Day 76: A Day to Plant Seeds

What a beautiful day it is outside today! Even if it were raining and storming I would have to say the same thing. Today is a spring day...a day where when it is sunny and decent outside, you start to plant the seeds for all the flowers and fruits and vegetables that you hope to harvest later in the year. While I started this blog today writing about planting physical seeds, today is also about planting hypothetical, symbolic seeds.

What are hypothetical, symbolic seeds? It's the seeds of influence that we put in others lives. Tonight we get to babysit our nieces and nephews. Our hopes are that something in our lives helps to influence their lives in a positive way. We also plant the seeds of how far we've come in our own growth and change into others lives. When we do this there is opportunity to continue growing more and more and more.

When we plant (physical) seeds, we do so with the hope that they will produce fruit. The same way we hope that the physical seed grows, so do we hope that the symbolic seed would to. We have to be patient and realize that it takes time for things to grow.

The seeds we plant don't have to be major things. When we do this, we put all hope in the idea that the seed will grow this great thing and we forget to nourish it and feed it. We just try to sit back and hope it'll grow. We have to start small and work our way up, nourishing it and feeding it and helping it grow.

Today I am going to make sure that I am helping those seeds that I have already planted to help grow. I am going to continue helping my nieces and nephew and trying to make a positive impact on their lives.

Go plant a seed today.

Day 75: Maintaining Motivation

It's day 75. I have been writing this for 75 days now and I gotta be honest that there have been times that I have been ready to give up. The hardest part is maintaining my motivation.

Maintaining my motivation is something that is not only hard in this task of writing a blog daily, but often in other areas of my daily living. I may get excited about something but how do I maintain being motivated? Is my lack of motivation because I am tired all the time now it seems? Or is my motivation lacking because I just want to give up at times? I think right now the lack of motivation is because of physical problems.

Our environment affects our motivation. If we will our lives with people who are positive and are motivated themselves, we can stay on that path. If we have alot of people in our lives who are the eternal skeptics or are the pessimistic type and doubt their own ability to stay motivated then it affects our own abilities to stay motivated.

I am fortunate to have some people in my life, who by my being around them for a few short hours, help rejuvenate me and help me stay motivated. By being around them I can effectively move out of my occasional "bitch mode" mood.

The challenge comes from whether I make sure that I find the time to be around those people...that when I need to get that motivation that I find those people and rejuvenate myself through them. So, I guess there is such a thing as maintaining my motivation to stay motivated! Crazy, huh?

Day 74: Taking a no brainer day

Sometimes we need to have a "no brainer" day. A "no brainer" day is the type of day where you don't want to have to think more than you ultimately have to. It's the kind of day where you go about doing things during the day that you normally would do out of habit but don't require you to analyze and make major decisions. For me, I want that day to be today. A "no brainer" day is important for all of us to have. We need to be able to step back from everything going on in our lives and just "be." We need the days where we don't feel we have to work hard at anything or finding flaws in our life. Today is that day for me.

Why do I need it today? Just because. Is it because I couldn't think of anything else? No. I have a few ideas of what else I could have put in here but for some reason I felt it necessary to have a no brainer day.

It's important to have these kinds of days. Otherwise, like emotions, we can struggle to find balance and it can bring us to physical problems. After crazy stressful days its sometimes important to have these days. By giving ourselves no brainer days it allows us to the rest our brains and everything else in our lives and rejuvenate. Sometimes on no brainer days I don't even want to listen to the radio, email much, or do anything where I have to make a decision.

So...today is a no brainer day and I am stopping there.

Day 73: Controlling emotions

I know that I have talked in the past about control issues but this one is definitely an area I need to work on. Controlling my emotions is something I need to work on. In the past if I got upset enough I liked to find an unmovable, unhuman or animal object...many times a tree...and I would get to the point I needed to punch it. After a few bruised hands and knuckles and even a slight break across the top of my hand I knew I needed to work on my anger emotions. But this is not just about anger. It's about working on all the emotions.

What happens when I feel sorry for myself or when I am excited? I often times take each of those emotions to an extreme. When I feel sorry for myself I tend to retreat and get very tearful and it really affects my sleep. When I am excited I tend to want to tell everyone. I think it even verges on bragging. So how do I find a middle ground? That I am not sure of.

Sure, I have been blogging on here for 73 days now and I usually have an answer. Today I don't. Mentally, its taking alot on me as I know that this has been an issue that I have wanted to work on but wasn't ready to deal with. So how do I balance emotions without going to an extreme? How do I not hold in everything (which of course can cause physical problems) while also not going overboard on the emotions? It's a struggle that I think alot of people deal with.

It's a new beginning today. It's now about figuring out how to begin it.

Day 72: Hold you heads up high, Bulldogs!

Last night I sat, although I had not intended to, and watched the NCAA Championship game of Duke vs. Butler. After an intense extremely close game, Duke won by one basket in the last minute of the game. As the game ended, I was impressed to see the dignity and sportsmanship that the Butler team displayed. They didn't start cussing or crying like babies. They went forward and congratulated the Duke players and coach. They became a lesson to dignity to all out there who watched last night.

While most people will think that sportsmanship is just something that you have when you are playing a sport or a game, it actually is important in our everyday life. How often have I been jealous of someone who achieved higher than I did at something? How often did I walk away and sulk? Why could I not let the other person enjoy their glory? I noticed, after watching the game last night, just how often I step in and try to achieve attention when I should be allowing another person to enjoy the glory. I sulk and I don't walk away holding my head up high. Rather, I hold a grudge. I pout. I am a poor sport about it.

Today, while I am supposed to be working on the positive things in my life that I accomplish, I am going to work on being a good sport to others. I am going to allow others to enjoy the limelight for their accomplishments.

For now, congratulations Butler Bulldogs for being such good sports. Keep holding your heads up high. You may not have a trophy to place in a cabinet, but remember that your dignity will not gather dust like that trophy will.

Day 71: Is my arm long enough?

Just a couple of days ago I spoke about making sure that I write on this blog about the good things I do in my life...the positives of my life. As I sat thinking about that this morning I realized how much of a challenge that would be. I have a hard time talking about the things I do well in my life as I don't like to be a bragger or anything like that. Soon I realized that the only way to boost my self-esteem and make it through the rest of the days of this blog was to acknowledge the positives. So, I will try to pat myself on the back...the question is, is my arm long enough?

One of the things in my life that I feel is a positive in my life is my creativity. I sometimes can be the kind of person who gets cramped always thinking "inside the box." I enjoy changing things up after awhile. (I hate keeping our furniture in the same spots all the time...) I tend to try and do it creatively and out of the norm. A few years ago when we started painting our living room from the boring white to a mix of a couple colors I decided I needed to paint it more than 2 colors. When I took the risk of it possibly looking horrendous, it turned out to look wonderful.

Why do we have to look outside of the box once in a while? If we don't, we become so stagnant and it can turn people off. Plus...when I change around the furniture we can get all the dust and hairballs we normally miss in our regular cleaning and dusting episodes! While thinking inside the box is important as well, in order to get ahead you often have to think outside the box and be creative. Creativity motivates me. So...I pat myself on the back this morning for my positive attribute of creativity.

Day 70: We are family...

Today's blog just happens upon Easter this year. Easter is a holiday I use to hate, primarily for non religious types of reasons. Instead of gifts that lasted very long like Christmas instead you got candy. And generally, that candy was gone within a few hours to a few days. We ate eggs and had food that I had a great dislike for (except for that wonderful Polish sausage) and the church service was such a long service on a Saturday night. Yikes!

As I have grown older, the candy concept has become less a part of my life, especially as a childless couple, and maybe out of habit my liking for Easter has remained fairly the same. I realize its the culmination of my religious faith and all and that Jesus died for our sins..I don't dispute that. But the excitement isn't there.

This year, today specifically, Easter is about family. Today most of my family will be getting together at my brother and his wife's house. My sister-in-law has already prepared and hidden the eggs for the kids to find. The thoughts of the joy on the little one's face as they look for the eggs is what motivates me today. Nothing is more innocent then the life of a child.

As I say that, I begin to think that Easter is about more than Jesus dying to save our sins. It's about re-birth or even new birth. It's about the innocence that we all have the ability to have again in our life. It's about forgiving and forgetting and moving forward. It's about family.

So, while not everyone will be there, most of us will. And today I will remember how my past sins and misgivings are forgiven and how I am able to be like a child again. (But it didn't hurt that my husband bought me some Dove chocolates this year!) Happy Easter everyone.

Days 68 and 69: Did you miss me?

I am sure that some of you who normally read my blog may have missed yesterdays blog. You might have even thought that I finally snapped and gave up...that I failed. I did not give up. I didn't fail. I did it intentionally.

The other day I started to re-evaluate the tasks I had set forth over the last 65 days and on day 67 I started to look at the tasks that I needed to work on more. I realized that it meant taking a break and stepping back and looking at why I am doing this blog. Was the reason that I started this an continued on for the right reason? Was I truly wanting to change and make a difference? What was I doing?

So, yesterday I took a break and and looked at my life. So much has been going on that now I have a headache today! I want to change but maybe I need to evaluate how I am doing it. There aren't 365 tasks in my life that I need to change. But what I hadn't been doing that I need to start doing is also blogging the things that I am good at in my life...the things that are positives in my life. If I look at only the negative things I need to change and not look at the positive things in my life that I have to continue then I am not making the right changes in my life and its easy to become bitter and negative.

Life is a series of balances....a yin and a yang. This is what I need to do with my life and the changes that I need to make in it. I need to change the negative and reinforce the positive. So, starting today I will pat myself on the back when necessary (although not to be conceited though) and I will acknowledge my faults and flaws. From this point forward I will balance. I will have the yin and the yang.

Thank you for all being here and being readers daily to this blog and supporting me.

Day 67: Looking back at what I struggle with most

As I write this today I am being reminded of the last 67 days. As I looked back at all the tasks I have written about over the last 67 days I was amazed at how I could critique almost each task I had written....how I saw how I had failed at nearly all of them. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to evaluate myself. No...it was a good idea. It's a good idea because I need to work on these areas...that's the whole reason for the blog.

One of the areas I noticed that I need to revisit here in the future is my ability to step back and take a breath. Back in February that was one of my tasks. It followed shortly after letting go of grudges and trusting others....two other tasks that I seem to be challenged by daily. Anger...another area I need to work on. (If you could have only been in the car with me when I nearly got run off the road two days ago you'd have heard words that don't come from the mouth of a former nun!) What is it about these areas that are so challenging?

I believe that partially the problem with all of the areas that I haven't been super successful at is that I was falling into my old bad habits at times. It's important that I remember that this is a journey. I want to see a difference in the end. We don't start diets with the idea of "maybe I will lose weight." Rather, we enter those types of things with a hope that there will be great change. Should working to change my life a day at a time be any different? No.

Some of you may be disappointed that this blog today is short. Re-evaluating the past 67 days is alot more than I thought it would be. With it being holy week, tomorrow I will be more likely not talking about the good, but following up more with the areas I need to work on. It's alot more in depth than I thought it would be. So hang in there with me everyone.