Day 186: When Life hands you lemons, pull out a recipe book!

So I decided to blog today not because anything is going wrong or because anything for that matter is going right. I just decided I needed to blog. I actually feel content today and I am realizing that I need to make changes in my life that are positive yet realistic. Why? Because I am not proud of the things that I sometimes do.

What kinds of things you may ask? Well, sometimes I feel like I really am two different people. There is the innocent, former nun, enjoys being Catholic part of me and then there is the "balls to the wall," cussing, negative and controlling, making a cake of male genitalia (for work) part of me. It's that second part I am not so proud of.

I enjoy being devout, good, and innocent in a way but the desire to fit in sometimes takes control and I conform to what others want me to do. The environment I work in isn't always condusive to be the way I want yet its the only way I can make the money we need to pay bills and eventually someday be out of debt. (Although the light at the end of that tunnel always seems so far away...). I really want to write. I want to be published. But I don't even know where to start. Maybe actually finishing the book I am writing would be a big help.

Speaking of books...I am reading a great one by Jim Moret, former CNN correspondent and currently with Inside Edition. It's called, "The Last Day of My Life" and it's about what he went through when he considered suicide and how his thought about what he needed to do if he only had truly 24 hours to live is what in the end saved his life. It's reflective and thought provoking. It's also a quick read at 160 pages.

Why this sudden desire to be different? It's not a sudden desire. Rather, it's a desire to return to myself. 14 years ago I was praying every morning, my music genre consisted predominately of Christian or Catholic music, and I saw open doors and was able to walk through them. After I left the convent, I closed the door on that past life. I regret that in a way. I think its time I retry to open that door and take out of the closet and dust off what and I who I was in the past and try and make it a part of who I am now.

I think that is really what this blog is all about for me. It's about allowing me to become not just a new or better me but a revitalized newer self. I am not planning on throwing myself out of my life and who I am but rather just improving. It just takes time and work. And I haven't given it up.

Day 165: Having abandoned it all...

Someone suggested to me today that I should write my blog. I am in a rather weird space mentally and emotionally right now. So much has happened in the last few weeks that I feel sometimes that I carry the anxiety of others and their issues along for the journey rather than doing things for myself. I have so much difficulty separating things in my life. I am not talking about being able to separate work and my personal life. Anymore,its being able to separate others' needs from my own needs. I give in way to much.

I deserve more in my life. I deserve some happiness. I deserve the ability to dream and feel like they are accomplishable.

I never intended this blog to be used as a venting block. No...it was to be a path to improving myself and journeying to become a better me. And where am I at in it all? I am a failure. I haven't blogged in over a month. I feel as though I have taken 10 steps back instead of 2 steps forward.

How do I begin to let go? I thought that I had but it all seems to keep coming back. I am drained. If I feel my life is good when others happen to be down and going through rough times its crass and insensitive of me. When I am down its as if others are doing better and then people get upset with me for not being happy for others.

How do I begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel when its hard to even move forward to see that the tunnel ends or that there is anything in life other than the darkness of the tunnel.

I am beginning to believe this 365 days to a new me is not realistic...that it isn't something I can accomplish....that is was stupid of me to have even tried since I was setting myself up for failure.

I've gotta move on. Somehow I will figure it out. Until then I will continue to try to blog. Thank you for all of you putting up with my craziness.