Monday: Dyngus Day and "glad I am alive day"

So often when bad things happen to me I begin to think that someone up you know where (yeah...heaven...) has it out for me. As the days go on I begin to wonder if I am just unlucky or what is going on in my life that is making it so challenging. What helps me through each of these types of times is a line of a prayer that I read on January 1st that changed my life. It's a simple line that goes: "Lord, in all that I do and in all that happens, let me never lose Hope."

So, why is it, "I am glad to be alive day?" Well, for those who haven't heard already, we lost a tree on Saturday. It lept to its death. Well, I wouldn't say lept...maybe more of split in half and lept. Miraculously it missed our powerlines but took out our phone line and our cable and internet as well. A few minutes prior to it falling I had been preparing to walk from a neighbor's to that exact area it fell. I could have been hit and even killed. Miraculously and through the intervention of a friend I didn't. I am alive instead.

So what does my not being injured and having hope have in common? Hope gives us something to live for each day. Even when bad or difficult things happen, when I begin to look at the positive things in my life, it helps me to process and think about things better and more clearer. If I would have paniced and started to fret over the loss of that beautiful tree and even more so the work that I have to do to clean it up, I wouldn't have seen the good things in my life. Especially things like the fact that no one nor myself was hurt, my home was still intact, and it didn't make me forget the good time I had prior to it all happening.

In all that I do and in all that happens, let me never lose hope. Crazy things, unmeditated things, damaging things all happen. But I will never lose hope that tomorrow will be better. I will never lose hope that something good ill come my way. I will never lose hope that someday, when my time does come, that God comes to me and personally takes me up to heaven. Hope allows for openness to all that can happen.

Let you that are reading this never give up hope.

A New Day has Come

I don't always write on here and last November I decided to give up on writing and trying to improve each day of the year. Here it has been over a year since I had started that task. Where do I think that I am at? I am a new person. I am no where near the person I was a year ago. What happened?

Alot happened last year. The more I tried to improve myself the more I felt attacked by an evilness. I don't know if it was spiritual, mental or what but I was being attacked. Did I keep from changing? No. I kept moving forward at my own space and in my own way. Alot of tragic things happened. I had surgery in May, a thunderstorm like no other hit our neighborhood and pt two trees onto my house, and Jeff's grandpa passed away. It was a stressful year. So...I walked away from blogging. Has this year been any better? It's not that the year has gotten any better, but rather I look at life better.

Last year I dealt emotionally with the possibility that we may not have children at all. Here I was 37 yrs old and looking at the possibility of never having a child of my own. In fall we found out that a gluten allergy that I was unaware of could be causing alot of the problems. So, this January 1 I woke up, shook the dirt off my shoes, and decided that I would walk the path of Hope this year.

What is Hope? Hope is believing that the impossible is possible. It is not giving up. It is living present in each and every day. This year I believe in hope. Does it at times seem difficult? Yes it does. But regardless, I refuse to give up on it. Maybe good will grant every wish I make, maybe God won't. But at least I can hope and believe that whatever happens, God is there to help me through it.

So....if you are still checking on my blog even after my long absence, know that I will begin blogging again on here. Maybe daily, maybe every other day. The new me is here and its better than ever. The journey continues.

Day....I've lost count

I've lost count of the days since I first started this blog. And I've come to a realization that I don't want to finish it. I began to think about why I even started this....I thought that I needed to change who I was...become a new me. What was wrong with the old me? Was I that bad that I needed to be different? What is wrong with having the good and the bad about myself be a part of who I am?

I realized that no matter what I need not to have a new me, but just accept who I am. Life is not changable...its only livable. I can not impact the next day I live if God's intention and plan is different from my own. So....this is the end of 365 days to a new me. For now I will continue to use this blog as a personal journey that I will take for the rest of my life. But no longer will I try to change who I am. I am who God made me.

Have a Little Faith

It was 6 1/2 years ago and Jeff had been going through a fairly tough time. He wasn't happy at his current place of employment as there was somewhat shady stuff going on there and we had only been married a little over 9 months. Depression had started to set in a bit when a prime opportunity came up for us to "dog sit" a dog that only a month or so before my uncle was trying to find a home for. When first approached, Jeff was adamant that he didn't want a dog at this time. But then his "unexplained" depression had started to set in. In his time of despair and depression, I was able to convince him we should dog sit this dog for my uncle's girlfriend so that they could go on a trip. Once Jeff had agreed to it, with the understanding that the dog would likely go back after the week was over, I contacted my uncle to find out more about this dog that no one had wanted to adopt. Her name was Faith.

Faith had been left in the Elkhart County Humane Society's drop box. She had been malnourished and basically left for dead. She was a bit timid and was very, very skinny. When she walked in the door that February evening, she b-lined it towards Jeff, laid her head on his lap and it was all over. The deal was sealed 2 hours later when Jeff stated, "She's not going to be leaving here at the end of the week..." in an almost question like manner. " Well, it's up to you," I said. "No..it wasn't a question..it was a statement...she's not leaving at the end of two weeks," Jeff replied. She had him at "ruff."

Whenever Jeff's depression or anxiety would hit Faith would saddle up to him, forcing him to pet her head and she would jump on the bed and lay right next to him. I remember telling Jeff that day before she came to us that he just needed a little Faith to get through his depression. And here she was...our little Faith. On March 18th, 2004 we adopted her. She became ours.

She'd nip at our backside every time we'd swat a bug off the wall or at a fly in the air. She could catch a fly with her mouth and spit it out at the door so that we could open the door and let the fly go free. She barked at the mail lady and knew right away when it was supposed to be mail time as she'd lay on the carpet by the door. She had a ferocious bark but the wettest lick and more excitement than a diabetic on Red Bull. She'd don a sweatshirt in the winter to stay warm when it was cold out.

Over the last 6 years, Faith has been more than just our family pet. She is totally our little girl. As we've tried to have children and in failed attempt after failed attempt to conceive, she knew what was going on and was the hug we needed, the unconditional love...she was our little girl.

We once had someone say to us that an animal is not the same as a human; they can't communicate their needs in words, make a conscience decision, or even be able to rational anything. They may have been right about those things. But to us, those don't make a human being human. Faith loved us no matter what....even when we were having a bad day and may have yelled a little at her. Or when we had to leave her for a few days with someone else caring for her in order to go out of town. And even more so she loved us when we were hurting inside and needed her unconditional love.

Yesterday she wasn't herself. She couldn't stay on her feet and kept falling. She couldn't keep anything down in her stomach, even water. She was lethargic. It wasn't our little Faith anymore. After an emergency visit to the Vet, we have learned that we may have very little time with her left. So now we try to keep her comfortable. As we try to just live day to day with her, the memories of our past come rushing in and fill our every being. We can't help but cry about the memories of the past knowing that the memories of the present and future are limited. When its time and she has to cross over to dog heaven, the rainbow bridge, or wherever all good dogs go when they pass away, it will be one of the most difficult things we ever experience. Because she is our little girl.

Today we try to have a little Faith. For she will not pass this way again.

Day 186: When Life hands you lemons, pull out a recipe book!

So I decided to blog today not because anything is going wrong or because anything for that matter is going right. I just decided I needed to blog. I actually feel content today and I am realizing that I need to make changes in my life that are positive yet realistic. Why? Because I am not proud of the things that I sometimes do.

What kinds of things you may ask? Well, sometimes I feel like I really am two different people. There is the innocent, former nun, enjoys being Catholic part of me and then there is the "balls to the wall," cussing, negative and controlling, making a cake of male genitalia (for work) part of me. It's that second part I am not so proud of.

I enjoy being devout, good, and innocent in a way but the desire to fit in sometimes takes control and I conform to what others want me to do. The environment I work in isn't always condusive to be the way I want yet its the only way I can make the money we need to pay bills and eventually someday be out of debt. (Although the light at the end of that tunnel always seems so far away...). I really want to write. I want to be published. But I don't even know where to start. Maybe actually finishing the book I am writing would be a big help.

Speaking of books...I am reading a great one by Jim Moret, former CNN correspondent and currently with Inside Edition. It's called, "The Last Day of My Life" and it's about what he went through when he considered suicide and how his thought about what he needed to do if he only had truly 24 hours to live is what in the end saved his life. It's reflective and thought provoking. It's also a quick read at 160 pages.

Why this sudden desire to be different? It's not a sudden desire. Rather, it's a desire to return to myself. 14 years ago I was praying every morning, my music genre consisted predominately of Christian or Catholic music, and I saw open doors and was able to walk through them. After I left the convent, I closed the door on that past life. I regret that in a way. I think its time I retry to open that door and take out of the closet and dust off what and I who I was in the past and try and make it a part of who I am now.

I think that is really what this blog is all about for me. It's about allowing me to become not just a new or better me but a revitalized newer self. I am not planning on throwing myself out of my life and who I am but rather just improving. It just takes time and work. And I haven't given it up.

Day 165: Having abandoned it all...

Someone suggested to me today that I should write my blog. I am in a rather weird space mentally and emotionally right now. So much has happened in the last few weeks that I feel sometimes that I carry the anxiety of others and their issues along for the journey rather than doing things for myself. I have so much difficulty separating things in my life. I am not talking about being able to separate work and my personal life. Anymore,its being able to separate others' needs from my own needs. I give in way to much.

I deserve more in my life. I deserve some happiness. I deserve the ability to dream and feel like they are accomplishable.

I never intended this blog to be used as a venting block. No...it was to be a path to improving myself and journeying to become a better me. And where am I at in it all? I am a failure. I haven't blogged in over a month. I feel as though I have taken 10 steps back instead of 2 steps forward.

How do I begin to let go? I thought that I had but it all seems to keep coming back. I am drained. If I feel my life is good when others happen to be down and going through rough times its crass and insensitive of me. When I am down its as if others are doing better and then people get upset with me for not being happy for others.

How do I begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel when its hard to even move forward to see that the tunnel ends or that there is anything in life other than the darkness of the tunnel.

I am beginning to believe this 365 days to a new me is not realistic...that it isn't something I can accomplish....that is was stupid of me to have even tried since I was setting myself up for failure.

I've gotta move on. Somehow I will figure it out. Until then I will continue to try to blog. Thank you for all of you putting up with my craziness.

Day 135: Where to from here...

I have no good excuse for not writing my blog other than to say that I failed at this attempt to write every day. The last few weeks have been physically and mentally demanding. Things happening in my personal life, which I have been careful on here not to share too too much of because of family and friends and their privacy, have taken hold of my life. It's been all that I can do to stay above water when everyone's flood of issues or problems directly or indirectly affect your life and come your way. And then there was the surgery.

On what would have been day 122 I had surgery to fix a muscle and nerve in my leg that was physically affecting me in my ability to walk and do the things I wanted to do. My excitement about the surgery (if you could call it excitement) was that I had this grandiose ideal that instantly my foot would be better. Rather, over the last almost 2 weeks I have been having to learn patience and realize that it takes time for the body to heal....advice I had given other family members. I've had a hard time letter others do for me because I have to ask them to help me and I feel like I am imposing.

The other hard thing after the surgery that I have faced is depression. We'd like to blame it on the anesthesia or even the Demerol that they shot me up with after the surgery but I don't know it that's the answer. I have gone without taking pain pills as I hate the way they make me feel and they give me a feeling of anxiety. The depression is far outweighing the pain though. What if the pain from the surgery never truly goes away? What if when the healing has completed I am left without the capability to fully use the leg? What if I have even more pain when I use it? What if I can never do a walk around the block/neighborhood/ or a hike again? There were things I thought were easily to accomplish back before the surgery and now realize I must have been taking it for granted. And then there is just the sadness...this overwhelming sadness that makes me feel like I am a failure. And I begin to believe it.

I believe it because I wanted to accomplish writing for the 365 days and say that I came through it and did it and accomplished something. But I didn't. I have kind of given up. What keeps me from continuing on something? Why do I give up when things get a little rough? Who was I writing this blog for anyways? I can't even look people in the eye when they start to talk about my blog because I know I have failed at it. And worse yet is when people say, "Well...you tackled something hard..I am surprised that you lasted this long on it." It was like I had set myself up for failure and everyone had known it but me. And last night my husband made the statement that 365 days wouldn't make me perfect. I wasn't looking to be perfect...just looking to to better myself and be a better person than what I was.

Unfortunately if I quit now, everything I had worked for on this blog gets flushed down the toilet. I become the failure even more that I have been feeling I am. I quit at one more thing. I end up with nothing to maintain me being motivated for anything. When will it end. Yet I know that I can't write on a daily or even every couple of days basis. I will have to write when I can write. I am doing this blog for me. While others read it and comment, I have to remember that I started it to better myself. If others benefit from it, that's great..but I have to be true to me and whatever the journey turns into.

So..I am not quiting this journey. I will see it through for the 365 days. But things are changing. I won't blog everyday. I will blog when I can. I will promise myself not to be blogging for the reader but rather instead for myself and what I need to do. You all matter to me. But I need to do this for me. It's about time I step up and take care of myself.