Fear has been a topic I have covered before. I know that. The fear I am feeling right now is different. It's like no other fear I have ever felt before. It's a fear that has encompassed me since I heard news yesterday about a potential issue I am facing. Normally I keep an issue in like this and only tell a select few. But my fear is so great right now that I think its important that I just talk about it...get it off my chest. So many factors are involved.
As you know, yesterday's blog talked about my standing up for my body and knowing myself and what's going on. I did that. I wasn't prepared to hear what I heard though. After over 2 years of struggling with my leg/foot issue the doctor is pretty sure he knows what it is. In a week and a half I will be having an EMG (electroblahblahblahgraphy...yeah...I don't know what it stands for but it means they are going to do a nerve conduction test of some sort.) The doctor is pretty sure that I have peroneal nerve compression happening as that was what the podiatrist thought was happening last November and placed me in a boot for 6-8 weeks. When I asked the doctor yesterday what the plan of action is if it turns out he is correct. He looked at me and said, "surgery."
This is something I have anticipated could happen, but I had not idea it could be the type of surgery that he was telling me I would need. I thought maybe fixing the ligament or something if that nature, but never about the nerve. When I looked up last night what that would entail I wasn't prepared to see what I saw. The recovery time and the rate of success is not promising. Well, maybe promising isn't the word. It's not ideal is more like it. I have to work. I have to be able to function and have both of my feet and the ability to walk. I am just overwhelmed with it all.
Then there is another issue. Very few people know about this, but Jeff and I have been working towards doing embryo adoption in order to have children. We filled out our applications, payed the fee we had to, and have a couple considering us right now. What this entails is a couple offering us their frozen embryos so that we can carry a child to term. By all means the child I give birth to, regardless of genetics, is legally considered ours. It's not cheap. We anticipate expenses ranging anywhere from a couple thousand to up to $10,000. It's money we don't have and little by little on top of all our other expenses we are trying to save for. This potential surgery puts that on hold even longer and if we can't figure out how to financially afford both, may even put the option further impossible. I have wanted a family and children more than anything in my life. I have watched my siblings have their children and their family and keep moving forward in life while I have always been the last at everything. I have been stagnant...in limbo...in everything in my life.
So...today I am feeling fear. Fear of what the future brings, especially if its something I am not prepared to deal with. Fear of loss....loss physically of some things I took for granted, such as my ability to walk and function in the way I am accustomed. Or even the loss of the dream of having a child. What I am going through I know requires alot of trust and I am not doing well with trust right now. Last week when my blue and pink silicone bracelets with the phrase, "Believe in Miracles" embossed on it arrived at my door, I was excited and I was truly believing that they are possible. Right now I am having a hard time believing that they can happen for me. Where do I go from here?
I keep praying. I keep holding out hope. I try to take everything one day at a time. I keep trying to believe in miracles. What else can I do?!?!?
Here's how I see it, (from Dr. Dave).
ReplyDeleteNo one is ever ready to raise children. If you wait until you are ready, you won't have any. Also most couples can't afford children, and the cost is tremendous. When a young couple takes on kids, they usually have the energy to do so, but a little lacking in smarts. By the time they've had their fourth child, they are starting to get the idea, but by then they are getting tired. At 60 years old, if I had a kid now, I would be able to do a great job of raising that child. But I would lack the energy to do it. It would be different then the first 2 kids that I've raised. But that doesn't mean it would be bad, and it could be pretty great in many ways.
So in your case, you've waited while gaining the knowledge of the world, and you are ready with the intelligence; you are ready with energy, since you are surely not too old; and you aren't and won't be ready financially, because you can't predict the cost of having children.
I do know that you and Jeff will need to be in good health yourself. You are going to need your strength to get through all those late nights, as well as going to work with little sleep. You will need strong legs so that you can compete with your youngster at basketball, baseball, softball, soccer, volleyball, etc.
So here's the prognosis: work now to get yourself in as good of health as possible, because you might not be able to do so later when your emphasis must be on something else.