Day 135: Where to from here...

I have no good excuse for not writing my blog other than to say that I failed at this attempt to write every day. The last few weeks have been physically and mentally demanding. Things happening in my personal life, which I have been careful on here not to share too too much of because of family and friends and their privacy, have taken hold of my life. It's been all that I can do to stay above water when everyone's flood of issues or problems directly or indirectly affect your life and come your way. And then there was the surgery.

On what would have been day 122 I had surgery to fix a muscle and nerve in my leg that was physically affecting me in my ability to walk and do the things I wanted to do. My excitement about the surgery (if you could call it excitement) was that I had this grandiose ideal that instantly my foot would be better. Rather, over the last almost 2 weeks I have been having to learn patience and realize that it takes time for the body to heal....advice I had given other family members. I've had a hard time letter others do for me because I have to ask them to help me and I feel like I am imposing.

The other hard thing after the surgery that I have faced is depression. We'd like to blame it on the anesthesia or even the Demerol that they shot me up with after the surgery but I don't know it that's the answer. I have gone without taking pain pills as I hate the way they make me feel and they give me a feeling of anxiety. The depression is far outweighing the pain though. What if the pain from the surgery never truly goes away? What if when the healing has completed I am left without the capability to fully use the leg? What if I have even more pain when I use it? What if I can never do a walk around the block/neighborhood/ or a hike again? There were things I thought were easily to accomplish back before the surgery and now realize I must have been taking it for granted. And then there is just the sadness...this overwhelming sadness that makes me feel like I am a failure. And I begin to believe it.

I believe it because I wanted to accomplish writing for the 365 days and say that I came through it and did it and accomplished something. But I didn't. I have kind of given up. What keeps me from continuing on something? Why do I give up when things get a little rough? Who was I writing this blog for anyways? I can't even look people in the eye when they start to talk about my blog because I know I have failed at it. And worse yet is when people say, "Well...you tackled something hard..I am surprised that you lasted this long on it." It was like I had set myself up for failure and everyone had known it but me. And last night my husband made the statement that 365 days wouldn't make me perfect. I wasn't looking to be perfect...just looking to to better myself and be a better person than what I was.

Unfortunately if I quit now, everything I had worked for on this blog gets flushed down the toilet. I become the failure even more that I have been feeling I am. I quit at one more thing. I end up with nothing to maintain me being motivated for anything. When will it end. Yet I know that I can't write on a daily or even every couple of days basis. I will have to write when I can write. I am doing this blog for me. While others read it and comment, I have to remember that I started it to better myself. If others benefit from it, that's great..but I have to be true to me and whatever the journey turns into.

So..I am not quiting this journey. I will see it through for the 365 days. But things are changing. I won't blog everyday. I will blog when I can. I will promise myself not to be blogging for the reader but rather instead for myself and what I need to do. You all matter to me. But I need to do this for me. It's about time I step up and take care of myself.