Today is day 6 already and you wouldn't believe how hard of a day it is to write. Here I am sitting at ten minutes to seven in the morning trying to write my blog for the day and all I can think of is the work and things I need to get done in our house before 9 a.m. this morning. It's a jam packed day otherwise I wouldn't be up before God this morning. Today's task isn't going to be how I need to be better at planning my time, nor prioritizing...those will be tasks in the future I am sure. No...today's task is about addressing something that sometimes affects how I function each day. Today's task is Fear.
When I went to bed in the wee hours of this morning I didn't want to have to get up this morning. I hadn't had the task for today come to my mind. My mind was swirling with all sorts of task but not one really stood out for me. Why was this happening to me? Was this the end of my blog? Soon, panic and anxiety set in that I was going to fail this journey...that it was all going to end because of Day 6. Then I started to think about all the things I had going on today and more panic and anxiety set in. And then I realized what it was....I was afraid of failure.
Today I am going back to my college Alma Mater and will stand in front of a crowd of Women's Basketball fans and will be being acknowledged for my time being on the first Women's Basketball team at the University. This may sound like a self esteem issue, but my fear is that people will look at me and think negative thoughts of me because of my outside appearance. (I have gained a bit of weight since my athlete days...). I am afraid of not making it there on time for the game/event. My fear is that I will be a nobody. My fear is that I will fail somebody today. Today also I have a friend coming over for breakfast and I am making a new recipe. What if the recipe doesn't turn out? What if its not ready and my kitchen is a mess when she gets here? What if everything goes nuts as the cable guy comes to set up our system, my friend is here and the buzzer on the oven timer goes off at the same time? I'll also be helping a family member out today by painting a picture on a wall for their child? What if I make a mistake and I can't fix it? What if it looks ugly? What if they don't like it?
Then I realized that I am not so much afraid of just failing someone else. I am afraid of failing myself. Do I tend to set myself up for failure? Do I jam pack my days with things to only have so little time to focus on one thing well that I cause the panic and anxiety on myself? Why is being perfect or being the best something that is so important to me? I fear losing friends if I don't say or do the right thing. Because of this so often I put up a mask. I don't let people get to know the real me. And it's all because of fear.
Today I will attack my fears....I will start to lower the mask that I put up to try and get people to like me and I will start just being me. What's the worse that can happen today? So..I don't have the food ready or it falls apart and doesn't look like I want it to...my friend will still be here...not for the food but for me. So what if I don't have the house perfectly spotless when the cable guy gets here...its not his house but mine to live in. So what if I arrive to the game a little late or the people there think I am fat. At least I will be there and I am the one who has to live in my body..not them.
Today I will live more. I will not run back into my whole like the groundhog who sees its shadow. Instead, I will high five my shadow and keep going for the day. And tomorrow I will wake up, and Day 7 will be here and I will have made it through Day 6. Everyone has their day 6. Today is mine.
I don't know what day it is for me, but my fear is going to be looking for a car today. It's easy if you look at it and it's a piece of junk. You walk away. But when it's close to what you want, and the price is close to what you think is right, and the mileage and the mpg is almost as good as you want......what do you do? Should you buy it, should you make an offer, should you look further. I just don't know, and my fear is that I won't know what to do.
ReplyDeleteBut then I just remember that Christ is always with me, and I'll just know what to do. Not just in buying a car, but everything and everywhere I go. I have to trust that He's there and will give me that ever so slight nudge when I see the right car. I realize that I have no need to fear, for whatever happens is in God's plan, and in some way, it is the best for me. Who can argue with God?
Well said Dave...well said. Sometimes we fear our own decisions to the point that it prohibits us from makign the decisions when we need to. But trusting God's plan and realizing sometimes that we need to make the poor decisions so that we can recognize and adjust our lives or "get the message" later as part of God's plan is necessary.
ReplyDeleteBy the way...I can't argue with God either. God always wins. : )