Day 1: What the heck am I doing?

Everytime I sit down to begin to write this blog I go blank. Just a few minutes ago while standing in the shower I was able to compose everything that I was going to write in my head. But to actually get it down here has been a real task.

What am I doing? Am I nuts?

Last night after looking at myself in the mirror I decided that I needed to change myself...a task that I have attempted to committ to many times before but would get two weeks into the project and give up. I figured that this time around I was going to need accountability. If people read this maybe that will keep me accountable. Maybe by committing to entering on the blog on a daily basis will keep me acountable. But who am I kidding? This could be just like one of those other projects that lasted 2 weeks and I gave up on. Something in my mind tells me this time will be different.

Why am I doing this? Obesity, depression, communication, lack of courage, infertility, and the meer fact that my entire life people have walked all over me are just a few of the reasons. I want to accomplish something in my life. I want to committ to something and see it through all the way. I want to leave something behind when I die....although I doubt that a blog is much of anything to leave behind.

What am I hoping to get out of this? A new me. I'm not talking the about the Jon and Kate plus eight way with 8 children and a divorce, nor am I talking the Heidi Montage addicted to plastic surgery way. I am talking about a new me. A new way for me to see life, to experience life, to live life.

So...here it is Day 1. What will I do today?

Well, most of my life I lived in front of a television. If I didn't like how life was I retreated to my room and turned on the television. I'd watch any variety of shows in order to just take me out of my life and put me in someone else's realm. In reality I was dodging dealing with things in my life; emotions, responsibility, accountability, and even change. Things were always changing. Who would have thought that here I'd be sitting actually wanting to do that to my own life. Maybe that's one of the reasons I am doing this. Is to be better with change. So...I guess that's my first task today. I need to change one thing in my life that enabled me to avoid my life. Television.

On a normal day I wake up in the morning and I put on the tv and watch for like an hour to an hour and a half in the morning to see the weather and news and sometimes watch the remainder of the night before's taped shows I taped. Then after work I'd come home and turn the tv on again and this time it'd be on until midnight or one o'clock in the morning. How ironic it is now that last night I complained to my husband, Jeff, how I couldn't wait until this coming weekend when we get a different cable company as we'd be able to record 4 shows at once instead of three. I could tell by the look in his face that he thought I was nuts. He's told me that I watch too much tv even. So...today I take the first step. Sure, I'll watch tv a little tonight. I can't cut it out completelycold turkey. But I have to take a step. Tonight when I cook dinner, I am actually going to set the table and turn the TV off. This will be a break of routine from the usual TV trays in front of the TV scenario that one would see in our house at 5:30 p.m. This morning I have yet to sit and watch any tv. Maybe it's a step.

There's no place but up to go. I am already at the bottom...