Day 66: Evaluating progress

A wise woman who reads my blog (you know who you are...and I'm not trying to suck up!!) told me yesterday that what I should consider doing sometime is evaluating how far I've come in this journey. As a result of this conversation I have decided to do that over the next 3 days. Today, my plans are to start looking back at my past blog entries to assess how I have been doing. Then over the course of the following two days I will be blogging on one day about the ones I have done well at and the ones I haven't done so well at.

Is the reason I am doing this because I couldn't think of any other topic to do...well, partially. I have to be honest about that. But the main reason for doing this is because we need to re-evaluate our journey and the tasks we put in our life. I know that I spoke about taking charge and re-evaluating our goals recently. This task is different in that I am holding myself accountable to continue my improving.

As I begin today to look at the tasks that I have had over the last 66 days, its time that all of you as readers and supporters also look at the last 66 days in your lives. How has my blog affected your life? Has it made you ask yourself questions about your own life? Have you been more aware of areas in your life that you didn't normally look at?

However my blog has helped you or affected you, I challenge you to re-evaluate yourself and your journey. What are ares in your life that you need to work on? What are areas that you have done well in? My blog is about more than just the writing of it...it's about the journey to change. Thanks for being there with me on it.

Day 65: Taking charge

In the past I have written about not letting people walk all over me. As I have worked on this topic I have been reminded how important it is that once I have more confidence in myself and stop letting people walk all over me that I must start taking charge. But not only is the "taking charge" task a part of places like work and home, but taking charge also involves me taking charge with my self.

Sometimes it seems that I have a second person inside of me. You know...the person who wimps out on anything. The person who tries to be a voice of reason. The person who introverts around people. Part of this journey is trying to get those two people...the me I have been and the me I want to be...in balance. The yin and the yang.

In obtaining balance it requires sometimes doing things that I haven't been comfortable doing before. (Yeah...that darn fear thing...) In order to make my taking charge be effective with others, I must first be able to do it to myself. If I am able to be wishy washy with myself and back off or question myself, how will I be able to take charge outside of myself with others? This is something I need to work with. If I can't take charge with others at time and continue to be wishy washy on my decisions with others, how will I obtain credibility? I have to stand my ground. I may be wrong, but so what? Isn't everyone wrong sometimes? I have to remember that my opinion is my opinion and I have a right to that.

Stand my ground today...take charge. It's about time I finally do that.

Day 64: Re-evaluating Goals

There often comes a time that we are faced with re-evaluating our values and our belief systems. Along the lines with that comes re-evaluating our goals. Today is the day that I begin doing that all over again.

What is it in my life, goal wise, that I have achieved? So much has been going on that it has left me completely tired in all facets of my life. I could fall asleep throughout the day. I walk into places and forget why I am going in there and feel like curling up in a ball in the middle of the store and taking a nap. Have I brought all this on myself? Probably. So what do I do about it?

I re-evaluate my goals. I need to see what my limits are and don't try to push my life to that point. I have to assess what my main objective is in life. It's something we need to do on a regular basis. What was most important in my life a few years ago is not always what was most important in my life. Once I re-evaluate what's important in my life I need to make sure that my husband is on the same page with me. I have learned that it's important that if there is someone important in my life that I want to remain there, I need to make sure they share in that same view of my goals as I do. Without his support I would not make it. I wouldn't be able to achieve my goals.

Life is a series of reevaluating everything in life. Today is just another day. Another day to set a goal and get through. Isn't that what this journey is all about? It's about waking up each day and realizing that I am a different person than the day before.

Day 63: Turning off the computer...its family time

Recently I have been spending a slew of time on my laptop while sitting on the couch and watching tv. I am quite the multi-tasker when it comes to knowing whats on tv and typing at the same time. However, I have to say that I tend not to pay attention to anything else then. So today, this blog is going to be fairly short as I am going to be turning off the computer ans spending more time with my family...in other words, my husband and our 2 dogs.

I thrive knowledge and learning and I tend to use the Internet for just that...knowledge and learning. You ask me a question and if I don't know it I look it up until I know so much about it that it's annoying. However, it affects my communication with others. Today I recognize how important it is to shut down the computer sometimes and spend time with family. Life is too short to spend it on the computer and not "being" with others.

So that's it. Shut down your computer right now. Go sit with that important person in your life. Put your hand in theirs or your arm around them. Look them in the eyes and just be there with them. I know for me I'd hate to remember more about my laptop than my husband and family. It's time to take a break from it today.

Day 62: Facing the truth

In everyone's life there are things we all have to face. They aren't fears, rather, they are facts and truths. For instance, its a fact I am getting older. It's a fact that as I get older I have more pains. It's a fact that if I live in Indiana that at some point during a 365 day time frame there will be snow. But these are facts that I can deal with. There are other truths that I have to begin dealing with. So, today, is about remembering the past but facing the truth now.

One of the things that I have to face is the fact that people around me that I love or care greatly about are also aging. My grandmother's health is declining. She and I have been close. While I know that she is 94, there has always been this image of her in my life and in my mind of the days when she was very spry and active and helping me grow. While I am an adult and I know that I am, something happens when I am around my grandma and I want to be that little girl again. It's a great feeling, but not realistic. Now I am having to be the adult and help care for her. Never did I think that would ever happen.

This is just an example of the realities that I have to be more alert to. It's not about forgetting the past but rather stop dwelling on the great past memories that I wish were realistic now and instead take advantage of the future and make memories. In a flash she could be gone and then what would I have left to remember? Her during her weakest days now? No...I won't let that happen. Rather, I will sit with her and converse and learn from her while I still have these opportunities.

Day 61: After forgiveness

It's nearing the end of the day and for the first time since I started this blog I almost didn't get a blog on here today. I'd like to make excuses but know that I can't make them, even if they are true. It's was just to much of a day. Today my mom had surgery, I was exhausted from the week, and I couldn't even focus enough to find my car in a parking lot at CVS. Overwhelming at the least.

But today's topic is not about my ability to focus or remembering where I parked my car. Rather today is about what happens after you've given forgiveness. You see, yesterday I learned about a friend's diagnosis of Cancer....inoperable cancer. They have yet to determine how much time she has left but she does know that she's not going to go through chemo or radiation as she said that she is ready for death since having lost her spouse 4 years ago. The thing about this friend is that just 2 1/2 years ago I couldn't call her friend because I had such anger towards her for some past indiscretions that I truly hated her. Somehow I learned to forgive her.

When I forgave this (now) friend, there was years and years of pent up anger and resentment towards her that I had been having trouble letting go of. It had made me bitter towards her anytime I saw her and I wouldn't give her the time of day. I still don't know what brought me to the point of forgiving her, but 2 1/2 years ago I wrote her a letter and told her that I had been angry with her and had held her accountable to my emotional state. I forgave her...and I let her know that. She never sought the forgiveness, but for me to move on in my life I had to do that...I had to forgive her.

Slowly over the last year and a half she and I have spoken on occasion and have come to a point of a relationship where I can speak to her and not feel intimidated anymore. She sees me as an adult now and I appreciate that.

But now that I have forgiven her and have gotten to know her, what's next? Now I find out about the cancer and I how am I supposed to feel? I am saddened by the fact that she has this diagnosis. It's not like we would become BFF's (Best Friends Forever) or anything like that but we talk now and she shares with me more than she use to. I felt last night as I found this out that I was so glad that I had given the forgiveness a couple years ago already as I am glad that I could give the forgiveness on my own time and terms...and not because I was feeling I had to dole it out just because she had cancer.

So where do I go from here with this? How do I process the news? What happens after forgiveness? I guess this is a question I have to keep asking myself as I am not quite sure. Usually I just sit back and the relationship doesn't change. Do I really want that to be this way this time around? Maybe I need to work on assessing how I interact with people and what the true meaning is of forgiveness.

And maybe...just maybe...all this stuff floating in my head was why I couldn't find my car this morning when I was staring right at it!

Day 60: Leader Sheep

Yesterday was so jam packed that I am struggling today to physically be ready to handle anything but I know it all must be done. Today will be a busy day and generally when I am as exhausted as I am I try to be a follower as opposed to a leader. And of all days, today I need to lead. I need to lead at work. I need to lead in my social life. I need to lead in my spiritual community. I have to be a leader sheep.

Why do I have to be a leader sheep? If I don't I will feel as though I failed at something or that someone else got the best of me. I have to be a leader in order to maintain my pride and confidence in myself. It's tough to do, especially when you don't want to physically. But I have to prove myself at all times.

We all have to work at being leaders in our life. Otherwise we tend to step back and let others walk on us. Are there complications to this and consequences? Yes. We aren't going to please everyone all the time and I tend to try to please everyone. Instead, I have to accept that not everyone will like my leadership skills. It won't keep me from trying though.

Day 59: EEEEKKK!!!! People!!!!!

Today is a big day at work as we have an open house. Even as I write this I am sitting at work awaiting with anticipation the crowds of people that could potentially come through the door. So, I sit here nervously, anxiously awaiting these people. The introvert in me takes hold and fear sets in and my stomach starts to hurt.

Many people think of me as an extroverted individual. Realistically I am actually quite introverted but over the years I have forced myself to be more extroverted in order to fit in and succeed in my career. Today I have to take all that I have learned in the past and put it into action. Many of these people may be people I know from various aspects of my career but it still doesn't keep the nerves at bay. Today, I am going to work at being more extroverted. I am going to work at calming the nervous stomach, the fears, the sweat that might roll down my temples. Regardless, I won't let the others know that I have this fear. (Although one of my colleagues may read this and know but she is always sworn to secrecy about these types of things.)

So today I will work on my extrovertedness. What keeps me going is my desire to succeed well in this position I am in now.

Day 58: It's not all about me

Today is a busy day. A horribly busy day. Tomorrow at work we are having a big event which we anticipate will help boost the business. Today we prepare for it physically while trying to complete our work. I have been so swamped with so many different things that I haven't had the chance to catch up with stuff I have felt I needed to get done. Today I am going to try and complete that all. But that's my task. My task is realizing that my goals of the day are not about me but rather they need to be about me paying attention of the needs of others.

With today being so busy, (as well as other days like today), I often lose site of what others needs around me...and most specifically Jeff's needs. I tend to work on adrenaline and expect others to do the same around me. Today I need to look at the fact that not everyone works on the same sense or energy (or sometimes lack there of) as I do. So today I am going to slow down for the people that I need to slow down for and speed up for the people that I need to speed up for. Today I am going to make sure that the people with needs around me have their needs met but also prioritize what needs to be prioritize.

It's not that I am going to push things back and forgot things. No, I want to get things done, I just know that I have to prioritize which things must be done today while gathering time for those who need that time and needs me to slow down.

So, this probably sounds confusing. But it makes all the sense in the world to me. (Plus I have ten thousand things running through my head that I need to do.) Off to work I go to start the craziness.

Day 57: Born to be wild...

Sitting down to write this blog today I started to shake my head and begin to wonder if I am going to be able to make it through til next January. It's exhausting writing this blog when I write it in the morning and sometimes I have wondered if its really worth it. And then it came to me...today's topic/task. It's attitude.

Our attitude is what causes some of our issues. If we live with an attitude that we are the everything (or as a friend put it, "we are the sh**") then we are bound and determined to negatively affect some relationships. Maybe we don't care about those relationships, whether they be personal or professional, but our attitude about them affects the environment then that we work and play in.

I was reminded yesterday when I was critiquing Jeff about something and he got defensive. I sat thinking...."Wild attitude, dude!?!?" So I said to him, "I don't know why you have such attitude today!" I realized later in the day that my attitude about whatever it was that I had brought to his attention earlier was what sparked the attitude that he had back. Sometimes we can't really fight fire with fire. Sometimes sugar actually helps put it out!

How in my life has my attitude affected someone else? I'm not saying that I need to change who I am or who I am becoming to fit into someone else's mold of who I am. Rather, the point is that I need to be more attentive to how the attitude I display causes the attitude from others. It happens to all of us, regardless of us realizing it or not.

Is my intention with my interaction and attitude towards something or someone how I intend it to be? Am I prepared for the response back or the effect of what I say or do or how I act? Am I surprised when the response is not how I anticipated it to be? These are questions I am going to start asking myself more today. It doesn't mean that I have to like the person who I display a negative attitude to. I just have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of my attitude and the actions caused by it.

Day 56: Letting go of the Remote

It's NCAA March Madness time. An while I like basketball, like everything, too much of somethings can be too much. I tend to wish my husband would fall asleep early or sleep in late just for the mere fact I could have the remote and watch what I really want to watch. Today I am going to begin working on let me husband have the remote.

Why is it that I don't like letting my husband have the remote? Because he flips the channels and never stops...for over an hour...unless its sports on that he wants to watch. He fits in well with my parents as they are sports freaks. They watch very few "regular" tv shows at night except for the news as their lives are filled with sports 365 days a year. While I like sports, at some point in my day it is just too much for me to watch it all the time. I need something no brainer and where I don't have to root for one team to win over the other.

For my Jeff though, he enjoys sports. He stated one time that for him, sports are real and he needs this real activity to unwind. For him, I see him smile, get excited, and even laugh at times when sports are on. And yet, I so many times try to control wheat we watch, which in then unconsciously to me though, tries to control who he is.

Today I am going to start working on letting him have the remote more and to let him watch sports. I don't want to control my husband...I want to be equal. I want to share in what passions him as he shares in what gives me passion. So, while today's topic was about letting him have the remote, it's really about sharing in the passions of my husband. And sharing in the passions of others in my life.

You can often tell what passions another person. It's the thing that fires them up, that puts the glint in their eye, and that even changes their breathing and what puts an extra bounce in their step. Today I am going to start paying attention to what passions other people and help them stay motivated to their passions. I know what passions me and recently one person telling me that I motivated them helped keep me going with my passion. So, it's time I pay it forward a bit and help others stay connected to their passions.

So, today Jeff, you can have the remote.

Day 55: Feeling Alive Again

If you've been reading my blog for the last couple of days you know that I have been talking about emotions, death, and frustrations. Today I, with the help of my husband have decided that today should be about feeling alive again. (Don't ask Jeff why he said as he said it came to him after drinking an energy drink and 2 cups of coffee!)

Alot of this week has been about dealing with the death of a close family friend...a young man who we all feel left this world too early. Last night, as we sat celebrating Jeff's grandfather's 86th birthday, I was reminded how important it is to celebrate life. Today, we celebrate with my family my nephew's 4th birthday as well as one of my siblings turned another year older today as well. So...while we will be attending the funeral today we need to remember what that funeral is a celebration of: LIFE! I was reminded yesterday by someone wise that the funeral service itself is not a final goodbye but rather a celebration of the resurrection of the person who has passed. We as humans grieve and cry at the funeral because of two things: 1. We are sad we will no longer see the physical manifestation of that person who passed; and 2. We are happy that the person we lost is going to be rising to a much better life than what we have here on earth.

Regardless of what religion you are (unless you are atheist) you believe there is an afterlife. My belief tells me that regardless of how the individual died, they still have a potential to have been forgiven of their sins at the point of death and to be in heaven with God. How lucky that person is to be free of the pain and struggle that exists here on earth! So..in a way...I am jealous...thus, I cry at funerals.

Celebrating the birthdays we celebrate this time of year, on the first day of Spring, reminds us that new life exists. New life exists even in an 86 yr old body as we witnessed Jeff's grandfather yesterday blow out ALL the candles on his cake. Okay...okay...so there were only 8 candles, but for 86 yr old lungs that was pretty good! Today we celebrate my nephew Dewey's 4th birthday. Dewey was the miracle child for my sister. He was conceived the same day (they think) as when my Grandfather died and he proves by his childlike ways just how much of a miracle he is every day.

Today, while I am going to be sad about the funeral, I am going to celebrate life. I am going to celebrate miracles that happen. I am going to celebrate our friend's rising up on this last day. I am going to celebrate the smiles of my nephew and the health of Jeff's grandfather and I am going to feel alive! Is their any better of a day than the first day of spring to start feeling alive again? I think not.

Day 54: Doing Something About It

I am fired up today. Not necessarily fired up angry or frustrated...well, maybe a little frustrated. I am fired up about an issue. An issue that keeps reappearing in my life. I am fired up about a cause that seems to get pushed under the carpet because of the stigma associated with it. I am fired up about suicide.

I have lost several people in my life to suicide. And I am not embarrassed to say that on two different occasions in my life it was something I considered...all the way down to having a full bottle of pills in my hand that I figured would allow me a peaceful death. I am not that same person anymore. Suicide is not the answer.

In the past I would get fired up about a cause and then it would die down. Why do I let that happen? I have noticed that when we let something that stirs up like that die down then we voyage away from participating in promoting awareness. When awareness wanes so does the likelihood then that someone who needs our help may likely choose the route of taking their life rather than seeking help. I can't let that happen anymore.

Did you know that almost a million people a year commit suicide in the world? (879,000 to be exact..). If each of these people has at least one other person in their life, then another almost million people are affected and so on. I gotta do something. To personally know 3 people in the last 7 years who took their own life is 3 too many people.

Today I am going to work on maintaining this motivation and doing something about it. Who's in it with me?

Day 53: Annoying people

Yes...today I am already looking ahead to the day. Today I know that I am going to have to deal with one or two annoying people. (I won't say in what capacity I will have to deal with them out of respect and privacy for them.) Just thinking about it is already making my skin crawl. When I think about it, I start to feel that blood vessel in my head start to pulse, my breathing changes, and I envision grabbing the person by the shoulders and shaking them and saying, "shut up...you are so freakin annoying!"

Why is it that these people bother me? What about it makes every emotion in me go on edge? Is it that I find myself in thse type of people? Oh, God...I hope not! Is it that I can't control them? Nope...not that either. Is it that they are blind to what everyone else sees going on around them? Yeah....probably. Whatever it is, it is annoying.

Today I am going to work on being a little more understanding and controling the desire to slap the person silly or lock them in a room with Forest Gump repeating off all the types of Shrimp there are! Today I am going to begin working on communicating with these individuals better and being honest with them...although in a nice way. Today I will take a deep breathe and count to 10 and then start speaking when these things happen.

I am sure that some of you can imagine someone like the above described people. How do you handle annoying people? What tools can you share with me?

Day 52: Allowing emotions

I apologize if this email takes on a somber mood today. Yesterday afternoon we learned of the death of a 24 yr old young man who was a friend of the family. Well, to say friend of the family is not really strong enough of a word. To my dad this young man and his two siblings were like adopted grandchildren. This young man was always kind and would give you he shirt off his back. His death has been overwhelming and shocking to say the least. How could this happen?

Regardless of what happened or why, today I am focusing on the task of being more aware of our emotions and allowing ourselves to feel our emotions.

What happens when we don't allow ourselves to feel emotions (regardless if they are good or bad)? First, we bottle it up inside ourselves. Then we try to avoid feeling them or repress the feeling and deny that we feel that way to others. Regardless of if its good and happy or exciting feelings or sad, negative feelings, if we keep it all inside, it affects us physically for a longer amount of time than if we allow the emotions to occur. When you bottle up happy and good feelings, the excitement is enough to make you sick to your stomach. When you bottle your unhappy feelings physically you also can become sick to the stomach, exhausted, drained, and even bitter.

We have to allow ourselves to feel feelings...to feel emotions. Letting out our emotions allows for health and better capability to deal with the same issues should they occur in the future. Why not go out to a field and let out a good yell or scream at the top of your lungs? Why not hug someone (appropriately of course) when you are happy? Why not cry when you feel sad?

Today, I am going to allow myself to feel the emotions of dealing with all the things that have occurred in my life over the last week. I am going to be happy about decisions that I have made over the last week, I am going to be frustrated about things beyond my control, and I am going to be sad about the loss of such a great young man.

Jacob...we'll miss you.

Day 51: Life is simple; why do I make it so complex?

Last night I was watching a tv show that had three motivational speakers on it , James Van Der Praagh (spiritual medium), Chris Gardner ("Pursuit of Happyness" claim), and Bill Rancic (Donald Trump's first winner on The Apprentice). The message each individual brought to the crowd they were speaking to was that life was actually simple but that we make it tough. We make it tough by allowing situations to control our lives and cause us anxiety and stress. I realized yesterday that I was doing that.

It's not a question of letting go and letting God, rather its a question of how I perceive the situation that is put in front of me. If I look at it as a challenge then that's what it will be and I will treat it as such and allow it to affect my mood and behavior. If I see it as something good, then I am more likely to be relaxed and not let it affect me overall. It's the same with people. If I perceive someone as negative I will treat them as such and not give them the benefit of the doubt. If I perceive them as positive (which is both good and bad) I can either put too much reliance on them and have something collapse in my face or I can see reward in their activities.

So the big question then is why do I look at situations to heavily and complex? Why not take each second, each situation, and each person for what they are at exactly that moment? Why not keep it simple?

There is a saying, " Keep it simple stupid," that I use to hear when I was younger as a method of writing. So why am I not using that in my everyday life. Keeping it simple was the message last night that each of those speakers spoke. Maybe with keeping things simple in life it'll allow me to enjoy life more and worry less; have more fun and stress less. I need to live in the moment and take each moment knowing that those moments won't return as in a minute that moment will already be the past.

Wow!! Deep for 7:30 in the morning, eh? It must have been that great night of sleep last night! Remember...keep things simple and you won't have too much baggage to carry with you throughout the day. Don't you get tired from carrying so much luggage?

Day 50: Listen....

I woke up early this morning, not used to the time change yet and unable to sleep. I blame it on the "new-to-us" mattress and sleeping in it for the first time. This morning I actually felt alert and awake and ready to just tell others how my weekend was. Then I realized that I talk WAY TOO MUCH!

Today my task is to be a better listener to others. By being a better listener we can better understand where a person is coming from, what they are feeling, and even how to respond back in a compassionate way. Sometimes others need to vent and they need someone to listen to. I realized recently how often I vent to a couple of friends of mine and how little I tend to listen. It's time now. I will work on zipping my lips and openning my ears.

I know this is short today and some of you may think its my way of getting out of doing a much longer blog. It's not. It's just that it's my time to start listening to you.

Day 49: Believe in Miracles

Throughout my life I always hoped that a miracle could occur for me, but would watch others have miracles happen for them. Soon I would become the pessimist and start to think that miracles were really only situations that others were able to make happen in their own lives because of determination as opposed to the divine gifts that I always thought miracles were. Miracles didn't happen to me.

Was it something I had done that God would not send a miracle my way? I even began to look for the little things in my life, hoping that in some way God would have put a miracle in there somewhere. Was I just not looking close enough or was I hoping to hard?

Today I am going to work on believing that miracles can still happen to me. Believing that anything can happen is important. I know that God loves me so I have to trust that God will allow me a miracle when the time is right. Regardless though, we have to do our part in helping make miracles occur. We have to have faith. We have to not give up. We have to believe. That will be my motto today.

Day 48: Dream a little Dream for me

Recently I read that we should believe in other people's dreams. My first inclination was to be jealous. Why should I be excited and believe and encourage someone else's dreams when I can't get mine to happen? Then I backtracked and realized how selfish that sounded.

Why is it important to believe in other people's dreams? If we don't believe that other people can achieve what we also dream then we risk losing belief in our own dreams. Negativity swoops in and we set a course in our lives to fail at our dreams. For me, I get jealous of what other people dream. And then when their dreams come true I get even worse...even so much as not wanting to be around them and not talking with them sometimes. Well, it's time I believe in others dreams as well. By being happy for others and their dreams coming true it can only help me to believe that my dreams are possible.

I have a dream that may actually be finally coming true. Something that I have hoped for and dreamt about for some time now. The path of this dream happening and coming true is only beginning and there is a long road ahead for it but at least there is hope in this dream. So, today, when someone shares with me their dreams, I am going to be happy for them, encourage them, and believe in them. And maybe, just maybe, it will bring the positive energy to making my dreams become a reality one step closer.

I have a dream...

Day 47: Assertiveness

My husband said to me the other day that he had the perfect task for me as it was a task that he himself felt he needed to accomplish. The task you may ask? Assertiveness. So, why would I listen to him and use this as a topic? Because he is right. (There...I said it. Don't let him know I said it!)

Recently I have had to deal with a situation where I am in a leadership position that I need to use assertiveness. For some reason, I develop a wall of fear that gets in the way of me taking the control that I need to take, (control not out of choice but out of assigned responsibility). What have I done? I've put up a wall and attempted to avoid the situation at times. But not anymore. Today I start with the assertiveness.

There is a way to be assertive and then there is a way to allow all the frustration and other issues that have developed to take over and things be said that shouldn't be said. I have to learn today to do that. I have to learn to trust my instincts with this situation and give the task and stick to my guns. I need to have confidence in myself and what I know is right and what has to be done based on the responsibility assigned to me. I know I can do this. I just have to continue to believe.

Day 46: Holding On

While today's title sounds like my task today would be about letting go of things, it's not. After about 2 1/2 hours of sleep, a sore throat developing over the last 24 -48 hours and alot of stuff that has been going through my head I began to think this morning as I sat down to write this blog that maybe I was nearing my breaking point. That's when I realized that what's most important is realizing that I am at that point so that I can do something about it.

We all have days like this. Some of us probably more than others, but regardless, we all have them. It's the kind of day where you get annoyed at the littlest things and you keep telling yourself that if a certain someone (could be a coworker, a spouse, a sibling, or even an acquaintance) does something a certain way it's going to bring you to the breaking point and you'll explode.

Today is about holding on and not exploding. It's about maintaining some sense of calm in my daily activities and counting to 10. It's about remembering that some things aren't worth exploding about.

So, this is a short one today sort of. But I know that I need to take the tame and breathe today. To step away from my frustrations and maybe not blog about it too much and say something I will regret later. It's about holding on to sanity today and taking each moment a minute or a second at a time.

Day 45: Failure with a capital "F"

I know that the topic of failure is something that I have blogged about before. In the past I blogged about the fact that I fear failure. The fear of failure alone would cause me physical illness and even anxiety. I realize now, since originally writing about it, that failing is an important part of our life. Failure has to occur many times in order for us to re-evaluate our lives and our directions.

Am I saying that I am failing at something and thus the reason for this blog? No, although recently I have felt in different scenarios that I sometimes set myself up for failure. Like today. Today I began sitting at this computer beginning to hate that I started this blog...that I have to come up with something to talk about for the entire 365 days....that I now have people following who expect a blog each day that they can read. Why did I do this to myself? The more I tell myself that I need to do this I tend to try and talk myself out of it doing it. Did I set myself up to fail by starting this or what?

And I realize that I didn't set myself up for failure with this. Rather, now is the tough time. Now is the time that I have to really work hard at this blog and at these topics. I am not failing, rather, I am being challenged. I am being faced daily with a challenge that I need to either choose to accept or choose to fail at. Failure can be a choice. We can choose to give up. But I don't want to give up. I want to succeed at something. I want to reach the goal and look back at the journey or the race and know that I made it. I made it through the shin splints and the pot holes and the fatigue of doing it and I kept going.

This is something I need to be aware of daily. You know the saying, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. Well, today I am going to change that. Instead, my new motto will be when the going gets tough, the tough get blogging. This blog holds me accountable and I am not giving up. I just needed to keep saying that. I needed to keep reminding myself. I am doing this not for everyone reading this. At some point I started to think about what the readers of the blog wanted to hear and not what I needed to be doing to keep going on this journey. I began to fear that I might keep blogging and no one would want to read this. Then...would I fail? No. I am not going to let that happen. I am going to write for me and my journey and hope and pray that you all stay with me.

Call this blog a lack of a good nights rest or whatever today. I just know that today is not my giving up day! Ever onward!

Day 44: Being more flexible than Stretch Armstrong

As a kid there was a toy called Stretch Armstrong where he was this gel filled rubbery muscularly shaped bodied toy that you could stretch as far as you could pull him and he'd (supposedly) never break. You could tie his arms up and eventually he'd return to his normal size. The key selling point of Stretch was that he was super flexible. Our lives have to be like Stretch was...flexible.

I often go about my days with a plan in mind and how things are to flow. In a away, it keeps my anxiety down and it helped me look forward to special events. What I am learning is that its important to be flexible. For example: this past Saturday my nieces were going to spend the day with us. I was looking forward to playing the Wii with them and maybe doing some baking or having fun in the kitchen with them. Unfortunately, Saturday is when my grandmother ended up back in the hospital and we spent more of the day getting things figured out about getting her back and forth from the Urgent Care clinic to the hospital and getting her medical info correctly recorded that our time was limited and we didn't get to do what we wanted originally to do. Flexibility.

I am learning so often that if plans are made or made to early, Murphy's law says that something will throw a wrench in it all. If I let it bother me, I can't save the situation and try and make the best out of it. If I don't let it bother me, I can begin to see the good in the situation we are thrown into. So...it's flexibility.

Even at work we have to be flexible. I have learned that so often, a patient will not arrive at the time they say they will, people will forget to do what they say they will do, and someone is going to demand something that may need to take precedence over something you are currently doing. Flexibility. That's what it's all about. So...today I will work on being a more flexible person and I will not get frazzled about things beyond my control. (oh...there...I said the "c" word. That's really what it's all about, isn't it?)

Day 43: Seeing beyond what's in front of you

In the movie Patch Adams there is a scene where Robin William's character goes to the room (at the mental institution) of another patient who holds up his hand with 4 fingers up and asks Patch Adams, "How many fingers?" Patch responds "4." The patient, disgusted says "No!" It's only once Patch takes his focus off looking at the hand and starts to see beyond just the hand that he sees the image of 8 fingers that the other patient wants him to see. The point of that event was that the patient, who had been a genius, wanted Patch to see beyond what was right in front of him. We, in our own lives, are like Patch Adams....we need to see beyond what is right in front of us.

Today this is my task. With all the chaos that occurs in our daily life, sometimes we only see and hear what is being said and not what is not being said. Our vision sees only in 1 or 2-D instead of in the whole picture. I myself am like that. I have a hard time seeing beyond what is right in front of me when there is so much there. Like Patch, I need to avert my focus from the chaos (and craziness) and see beyond that. It doesn't mean I have to figure out everyone's problems or anything of that nature. Rather it means I have to step back and look up sometimes. Or in some cases, look down. An example would be yesterday. After shopping, while walking to the car, I was walking with my focus on our car and was looking up. My husband, on the other hand, was looking down at the concrete. As we walked back to our car, there laid a $20 bill. Jeff saw it but I didn't. I was looking at what was right in front of me. Jeff was looking at the bigger picture. (As a side note, we were unable to find the owner of the $20.)

While it's important that we look up sometimes and see what's right in front of us so as not to bump into any street signs or anything else, it is also vital to see the bigger picture too. Today I am going to begin looking at all sides of life...not just at what's right in front of me. While I don't have to like every side to life, my awareness of what's all there and beyond can help me make the right decisions when I have to, help calm me when I feel anxiety, and can help me be a better person for others around me.

So....how many fingers?

Day 42: Being Selfish

This morning as I sat staring at the computer and my blog I sat overwhelmed with the events of the last 24 hours and the knowledge that what we have to think about for the next few weeks. As I sat trying to be optimistic and focusing on what needs to be done for everyone else in order to keep everything in our life running smoothly I was reminded by my mother-in-law (don't tell her that for once I am actually paying attention to something she is advising us....) that sometimes we need to be selfish. Although my mother-in-law's point about us needing to be selfish sometimes was as a result of her wanting us to be healthy enough to take care of them in their old age (eventually), its a task that we most definitely have a hard time doing.

As children we were always ingrained in the the head to not be selfish and to share with others, (it was even on our report cards in the words, "shares with others..") and so for some of us it is so difficult to take care of ourselves or sometimes to do things for ourselves. But it' something that we have to remember to do. We have to be selfish sometimes. We need to do good things for ourselves. We need to sometimes tell others no and not feel bad about it. We need to benefit ourselves sometimes. We just can't do it all the time.

Yes, its not always right to be selfish, but if we don't take care of ourselves at some point in our life, our life with go by so quickly we will regret not having done things for ourselves or become bitter at the fact we didn't care for ourselves. So today, I am going to be selfish. I am going to do what I need to do for myself in order to feel good and to improve my life. It's about me today. And sometimes you just have to do that and not feel guilty about it. If you have a problem with that today..well...too bad.

Day 41: Calm

Today, is going to very short but I will make up for it tomorrow. This morning I got a call that my Grandmother was having alot of pain and was needing to be taken into the hospital. She may have a bone moving around. I have to remember right now that calmness is important in order to think straight and to keep others around me calm amidst uncertainty once again and chaos. So...today I will be calm. No off to the hospital I head back.

Day 40: Anticipiation...the good the bad..the ugly.

With yesterday's task being about enthusiasm today I figured I would work on something that so closely follows enthusiasm. Anticipation.

Anticipation has two heads...one ugly and one exciting! The ugly head of anticipation is when we spend our energies anticipating something that we know is coming but that generally signifies something negative. For example...bills. I hate bills. It reminds me that I have to put out money for something and when bills are tight the anxiety heightens. Then...there is the exciting head of anticipation. This type of anticipation gives the butterflies in our stomach that make us giddy (and yes, guys get giddy too, they just don't admit it,) and causes us to smile when we think about it. An example of this is when people are anticipating the arrival of a baby, the anticipation of a happy holiday, or some other event in your life that is positive. (For some...it's even payday!).

I deal with anticipation daily. Unfortunately, I can experience both heads of this task in a 24 hour time period and I gotta tell you...it's exhausting and draining. What I know that I need to work on is how I deal with the anticipation, whether it is good or bad. I need to get myself in the grey zone when it comes to dealing with it as opposed to the black and white only zone. In other words, I need to find that happy medium. Am I a person who can go to the extremes emotionally? Oh yeah. I need to begin working on how I anticipate those negative situations and not get myself worked up about them. I need to look at how excited I get about the positive things and tone it down sometimes. There is enthusiasm and then there is annoying. I need to be enthusiastic without the annoying factor.

I am reminded today of something I learned in a retreat program that I have been involved with in the past. On the retreat weekends we would remind individuals making the weekend to relax and "don't anticipate, participate." When I over anticipate I can't focus on anything else and I don't do as well at what I am trying to focus on at that moment. So...today, I am going to take each moment for what it is.

For those of you who were anticipating my blog earlier in the morning, I apologize. A computer problem delayed me. (But maybe, just maybe, it was also a test of your dealings with anticipation. Hmmm......)

Day 39: Regaining my entusiasm

It's a little over midway through the week and the Monday blahs have turned into Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday blahs. And even though Friday may be one day away there is a sense that it will be a blah day to, only receiving saving grace from the fact that there is no work for the next two days after that. So, you trudge through the day, doing your work with a sense of mundaneness surrounding everything you do. Your only saving grace is the one or two people along the route of your day that greet you or fill you in on their or life's current events. Do you remember the first day you began working, either as a teenager in your first job or at the current place. Do you remember the sense of enthusiasm you felt taking that job? (Or if you are retired, semi retired, or a stay at home spouse/parent the excitement you felt about having all this new free time?) For those that are married, what about your wedding day or the day you got engaged, or even better yet, those early days of your courtship? (I know...who uses the word courtship anymore???)

What society has seemed to have lost is enthusiasm. When we in our own lives lose the enthusiasm that got us to where we are today we begin to live such mundane lives. The question is how do we regain that enthusiasm now though? Are we so far in debt when it comes to enthusiasm that we think it is hopeless? Today I am planning my own bailout! I am going to begin regaining my enthusiasm back!

The last place I worked brought my sense of enthusiasm down. I still suffer from the post traumatic stress from my sentence at that facility...er..I mean my time working for such a wonderful establishment. (Can you sense the sarcasm in that sentence I hope???) My sense of enthusiasm in what I do for a living use to be so proud, not it seems like its just something I do at times. I keep remembering my excitement and enthusiasm when I was first married. It'll be 7 years we've been married in may and 12 years we've been together in total. Where did all that enthusiasm go? Mundaneness. But no more!

Sometimes all it takes to seeing the good in what I do at work. It involves reminding myself of what excites me about my relationships with my husband and with others. Today I will make a list of the good things (at least 10 for each) about these areas of my life and I will fold it up and keep it with me at all times in my wallet. When I need to be reminded, all I will need to do is pull that list out and it will remind me of why I am where I am. As my life journey continues, I am sure I will continue to add good things to these lists of the areas of my life.

Day 38: Is the glass have full or half empty?

Life tends to be a series of pessimistic opinions that flood through my head. While many would think that the truth of optimism and pessimism is that it's just positive and negative thinking, there truly is a difference . Optimism and pessimism involves the entirety of our being. It has been reported that where optimism provides energy and confidence, pessimism projects a negative and draining quality. I am so tired of feeling negative and drained...how about you?

Recently I battled with pessimism so much that it drained me of my strength, gave me headaches, and brought about paranoia for me. I wasn't being pessimistic per say about a situation rather I was being pessimistic about me. Some would say that this is a confidence issue or an issues in believing in myself. While there is some truth to that, it involves so much more. Confidence and believing in myself involves things I can control. Optimism and pessimism can relate to things I can't control. Oh, there we go again...control issues!

Pessimism involves wanting to control things...at least in my opinion. If things aren't my way I am negative about them. If I can't control the situation to make it perfect, I am negative about it. Pessimism. What I need to work on today is to be optimistic about things. While I took a day off from work to deal with my health, I started thinking pessimistically from the moment I woke up. (As an example; ) The headache had partially returned and all I could think about was how horrible of a day I was going to have with the headache the way it was. How about I think optimistically and think that this headache returning may get me to slow down a little enough to address other issues of my day. Or how about it helps me to slow down myself and acknowledge the other parts of my health I need to pay attention to.

So, today its optimism. It's optimistic thinking that keeps me on the journey and pessimism that every morning floods me as I try to work on a new task. Personally, I keep cheering for the optimistic team in me.

Day 37: Shut up and Listen to my body

This will be a short blog today. A raging headaches has me wishing that I wasn't even looking at this computer right now. My task today is about paying attention to my health.

I do try to push it sometimes... well, many times... well, all the time. I try to please so many people all the time. Sometimes I feel that the migraines are my bodies way of slapping me upside the head and telling me to shut up and listen to it. Like today, the sick to my stomach feeling because of the headache almost completely lays me flat out. The only answer? An ice pack on my head, pillows all around to block out all sound and light, and a cover all the way up to my neck.

My current place of employment makes it difficult to be sick though. Not because they look down on it or anything but rather because the place I work at is so much less stressful than other places I have worked that I want to go to work each day...so I push myself. Sometimes, I still need to stop and listen to my body and not feel bad about it. Today is one of those days. I apologize if today sounds like a task from January or February about resting. Obviously I didn't listen well and I need to keep working on it if it is.

Day 36: Being me

On the journey to becoming a new me, one of the things I need to remember the most is to be the old me too. I know that sounds kinda strange, but in order to change the things that need changing I need to recognize the parts about my life that are good and maintain them. Dr. Seuss once wrote, " Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you. "

What is it about my life that I recognize as something positive that I like about myself? As I read through the tasks I have been working on and reflecting on what are some tasks that I need to work on over the remaining days of this blog I realized that while I am trying to become a new me I really need to have a part of the old me in there. Have you ever watched a "makeover" show where the person would say, "Wow...a new me! It's like I have a whole new life now!" When I'd watch these shows I'd want to ask them, "So, are you giving up everything in your old life then?" Realistically these people just had a new outside appearance, not always an new "inside." Their habits remained the same, their families who knew these people a certain way were still there. They were still the same people...just with a different look.

In my journey I am not trying to completely change me who I am and create a new inside me. Rather, I am trying to improve the inside and outside me while maintaining who I am: who I am that people love or whom I love. I must acknowledge that there is a part of me that may not change that people don't like, but that's tough luck for them. It's a part of who I am that makes me me.

Truly there is no one alive who is more me than me.