It's nearing the end of the day and for the first time since I started this blog I almost didn't get a blog on here today. I'd like to make excuses but know that I can't make them, even if they are true. It's was just to much of a day. Today my mom had surgery, I was exhausted from the week, and I couldn't even focus enough to find my car in a parking lot at CVS. Overwhelming at the least.
But today's topic is not about my ability to focus or remembering where I parked my car. Rather today is about what happens after you've given forgiveness. You see, yesterday I learned about a friend's diagnosis of Cancer....inoperable cancer. They have yet to determine how much time she has left but she does know that she's not going to go through chemo or radiation as she said that she is ready for death since having lost her spouse 4 years ago. The thing about this friend is that just 2 1/2 years ago I couldn't call her friend because I had such anger towards her for some past indiscretions that I truly hated her. Somehow I learned to forgive her.
When I forgave this (now) friend, there was years and years of pent up anger and resentment towards her that I had been having trouble letting go of. It had made me bitter towards her anytime I saw her and I wouldn't give her the time of day. I still don't know what brought me to the point of forgiving her, but 2 1/2 years ago I wrote her a letter and told her that I had been angry with her and had held her accountable to my emotional state. I forgave her...and I let her know that. She never sought the forgiveness, but for me to move on in my life I had to do that...I had to forgive her.
Slowly over the last year and a half she and I have spoken on occasion and have come to a point of a relationship where I can speak to her and not feel intimidated anymore. She sees me as an adult now and I appreciate that.
But now that I have forgiven her and have gotten to know her, what's next? Now I find out about the cancer and I how am I supposed to feel? I am saddened by the fact that she has this diagnosis. It's not like we would become BFF's (Best Friends Forever) or anything like that but we talk now and she shares with me more than she use to. I felt last night as I found this out that I was so glad that I had given the forgiveness a couple years ago already as I am glad that I could give the forgiveness on my own time and terms...and not because I was feeling I had to dole it out just because she had cancer.
So where do I go from here with this? How do I process the news? What happens after forgiveness? I guess this is a question I have to keep asking myself as I am not quite sure. Usually I just sit back and the relationship doesn't change. Do I really want that to be this way this time around? Maybe I need to work on assessing how I interact with people and what the true meaning is of forgiveness.
And maybe...just maybe...all this stuff floating in my head was why I couldn't find my car this morning when I was staring right at it!
Oh heck, I've done worse. I've even tried to get into the wrong car before.
ReplyDeleteI know the person that you are referring to about the inoperable cancer. I've know her for a long time, but you've know her even longer. I don't cry very often, but I cried for her when I heard the news about her. Now that I've cried for her, I can let her go. I know that she wants to be with her husband, but we will all miss her. It is possible that she was required to stay here until she did some things, such as work it out with you, or just relationships, as I've never been this close to her before. Maybe she has completed her tasks and can now go and join her spouse. That's a real life love story, and I'm so glad that you have come to terms with whatever situation you were in.