Day 35: Taking what we have for granted

With yesterday's topic of taking people for granted, my husband and I had a great opportunity to invite a couple of friends over for supper last night to eat at our table for the first time. It happened rather last minute while at church for 5 o'clock mass. The wife has been a friend of mine since grade school and has recently been going through a difficult time with her health and with some family issues. She was someone who was there for me throughout all my time in college, the convent, and even now. I had to admit I have been a bit of a bad friend communication wise. Here they have been married 2 years and never have we had them over for a meal! Last night, I made sure that she knew that I was sorry for having taken our friendship for granted. What a great friend she is as she responded, "We've both had busy things going on in our life...and hey you invited us over tonight!" What an awesome friend.

Today is about taking our possessions for granted. As a child I didn't worry that there was a TV, dishes, furniture, a bed, and clothing..I took it all for granted. Sometimes now as an adult I still tend to do that with my own possessions although in the last few years I have become more anal in how I care for my own things. Having something new, such as our new table, reminded me of how lucky we are that we could have that. I am reminded that easily our life could be the other way. How would I feel if my house burnt down? If we lost our home to foreclosure and everything what would we do? I tried to imagine what it would be like and just the idea was scary.

With this in mind, today we are getting some things together to give to Angel Giving Tree Ministries....an organization that collects furniture and other items to help people who have lost their homes or belongings to fire or poverty can restart again. What a great service Angel Giving Tree is doing for those in need. Do I really need all that I have? Shouldn't I respect what I do have an share what I can with others? I am forever grateful for what God has given me and with not want for more.

Yes...today is a short blog, but I am going to spend today being more aware of how fortunate I have been to have what we have, no matter how simple or modest it is and I will be working on giving to others.

Day 34: Will they always be around?

I don't know even where to start today. Yesterday was an unbelievable day. Even though my Fibromyalgia has been at its worse ever over the last few weeks and even though yesterday was one of my most painful days by the end of the day it didn't matter. It had been one of the most wonderful days for me. Signs throughout the day kept leading me to knowing what todays task would be on my "Taking for Granted" list. Today is about taking people for granted.

After work yesterday I had the daunting task of meeting my father at a furniture store where my husband and I had purchased a new dining room table and chairs. (Our first brand new piece of furniture we've ever bought ourselves!) When I walked into the store to sign the paperwork saying that we were here to pick it up, out of the corner jumps one of my young nieces with a big smile on her face. I just grabbed her and hugged her. Because of a situation I can't get into on here I don't get to see this niece and her sister very often anymore. In the past we use to watch these nieces, take them out places, etc. But now, it's been several months since we have gotten to spend more than a few moments with them other than in passing. What a joy to see her. Her big bright smile just warmed my heart. In the past, I took it for granted that I would always have the opportunity to see them (my nieces and nephews) whenever we wanted. But as my grandma had said, " you never know how good you have it until you lose someone."

This week a friend of the family, a former neighbor, passed away. She and I had shared birthdays when we had first moved next door and before she sold her home and moved away. I always took it for granted that I would someday run into her. As the days passed turning into months and then years, I always thought of her but never acted on getting in touch with her. Going to the funeral home this week I realized that I took it for granted that she would always be around. I soon began to regret not having seen her before she had passed. We need to realize that indeed life is short. Embrace and love those around you who you think may always be there because realistically we or they can be taken away at any moment.

While the task of spending more time with people whom I have taken for granted technically was supposed to start today I started it a bit last night. My (handyman handicapped) husband and I spent the entire night putting our brand new table and chairs together ourselves. We bonded. And today as I sit here I am reminded about how grateful I am that he is in my life.

Day 33: Taking things for Granted

Two days ago my parents brought my 94 yr old Grandmother back to their home after she had in rehab for a little over 6 weeks. She had fallen and broken her hip and shoulder and needed extensive therapy. When she came home she was able to walk with only the assistance of a walker. Yesterday was her 94th birthday and as I spoke to her on the phone last evening one thing that she said struck me. She said that she felt as though things had changed. When I asked her what that meant she stated, "Well, the things that I took for granted before I learned not to now. For that I think I am a better person."

After hearing my Grandma say that I knew that it was supposed to be my next task on this journey. When I reflected about it last night I realized all that I take for granted in my life. I take for granted that I will always have these two hands to type out this journey with, that I will always have the ability to walk, that I will never have to depend on anyone to care for me, and that I will be able to see and hear God's beauty all the time. When we take things for granted we tend to stop being grateful for having them.

Why not be grateful for what we have in our life? I recall that everytime something major has happened, either to someone or something in my life, it tended to be at a time where I was became complacent or took it for granted those people or things would always be there. It was as if I had become to comfortable with life and God chose to shake things up a little bit. (I can't be angry with God...it's my own darn fault!)

Over the course of the next few days I plan on working on this task, separating out and dealing one by one with the things I take for granted. Today I will begin to be aware and make a list of what things or people I take for granted.

As Grandma reminded me last night, "When something bad happens you realize how life is too short." Why not wait until the bad happens....why not change today.

Day 32: Focus...Focus...Focus....

I have to admit that some days it is the hardest thing to do for me to sit down and type out this blog. But I am committed to it so I know that I must. I don't do it because people are depending on me so that they can read all about my life. Rather, I know I have to do it for myself so that I can maintain being accountable to myself and this process. Many days it requires alot of focus and a glass of my energy drink to get my going and getting the fingers typing away with the key ingredient not being the energy drink but rather the focus.

I find myself doing that alot in life. As a child they used to call it procrastination. For me, I call it a focus issue. While I've never been classified as attention deficit, I can see how there are times when I just can't seem to focus on one thing. Of course not! Have you looked at society and life these days? How can anyone just focus on one thing? Most days and nights my mind has about a hundred if not a thousand thoughts going through it at any second. I often thing I need a ziploc container to put all my thoughts in and to organize. Alas...the thoughts are there.

When I have something important to do though, what keeps me from having the focus to get it done early? I mean, I can find about 10 different TV shows, 20 emails, Facebook, and any other thing to push me away from what I need to do and get done for the day at that moment. Today I am going to work on maintaining focus. It's amazing what I can get done when I push myself to do the project or the task. But I am not only doing it for today, but working on improving this in my life.

Once I maintain focus though I need to keep pushing forward at the task I am doing. It's easy to say, okay, I focused for 15 minutes, I can take a break. For me...the break will never end. I need to keep dredging forward. I need to not fear the task ahead.

So...now that I have been putting off getting ready for work, I must now go focus on what need to do for the day and get at it. Till tomorrow...

Day 31: Take it to the limit one more time...

Day 31....I have officially been at this blog now for over a month. I am proud of not giving up and am more bound and determined than ever to get through the full 365 days. I am going to need you help though. As my support in the journey, what are areas that if you were taking this journey, that you'd want to work on in your life. Send me your ideas either to here or my email address (melmurawski17@sbcglobal.net). I am so deep into the journey that at times I wake up in the morning and am so involved in previous days' tasks that I often can't think of the others I know that I need to work on in my life. This morning though...I knew what to do.

By my title its hard to decipher what my task will be, isn't it? Today's task involves changing my mind to change my life. In a way, it may appear similar to other tasks I have done but today's task with take a bit of a twist. Let me explain the reasoning behind today's topic.

Last night, for the umpteenth time, as I prepared for bed I found myself starting to feel sorry for myself. You see, for the last couple of years I have been dealing with a problem with one of my legs. Just a couple of years ago I was walking 5 k's and had hopes of running a 5 k this year or at least sometime again before I die as an old woman. The problem with my foot and leg has just led to tons of financial bills each year only to have to long term resolution to the problem. The next steps? Eventually probably major surgery on the leg followed by physical therapy, etc. But I don't want to go there. Surgery means even more limitations in the future and not likely to meet the goal of running a 5 k ever again.

Why does this matter to me? As a former athlete I think back to those glory days of basketball in high school and college and see these young things who play now look at this old (like almost 37 yrs. is old...phht..yeah right!?!?) woman up in the stands with a look that says, "Hey old lady...I could run circles around you!!!" Nothing sucks worse in life than actually feeling like you are getting older. Each night as I stretch my leg and rub the same muscle creams on my legs that my grandma did on hers when I was a young child, I have to mentally tell myself that I can't give up.

Our mental abilities...whether we psych ourselves out or not..affects our ability to function. It's not a question of hoping or believing we can do something...those are steps to take once you get it in your mind that you can keep reaching the goal one more time. An example is my 94 year old grandmother. The day after Christmas she fell in church and broke her hip and her shoulder. At her age many people don't rebound or they are stuck in a nursing home for the rest of their lives. The first couple of weeks after surgery and getting her into the nursing home for rehab, we were almost sure she'd never get our of the nursing home or be able to walk or function again like she used to. She was telling herself that she was stuck. She was allowing that day's limitations affect the future that she thought she would have. It took many people telling her that she could do it...that she had to work beyond the pain at times...but that she still could do it. Today...she comes home. Minus the wheelchair and on her own two feet walking. Not even 2 months after she fell.

I have alot to learn from my Grandma. Sure she has some limitations yet, but in time she may be able to move beyond those limitations if that's what she sets her mind to do. I am not going to sit back and tell myself that I can't function just because of my leg. And I am not going to give up hope in doing that 5 k again. It may not be this year or next but I will do it...somehow. As long as I tell myself I can, I will find a way.

Day 30: Breaking the Women's Code

Okay....this is going to be a challenging task today. The time would eventually come and ladies, we all knew it. It's time that I break the ever silent but ever strong Women's Code of Communication. I am going to do something that it not only takes me a very very very (that's alot of "very's" people!) long time to do. (Men...don't call up my husband and tell him I am doing this or else I may have to live with his happy dance for the next week....) Today I will....(wait for it)....admit...that I am...(okay...I can do this...) wrong.

Oh my! Okay...I said it. I'm sorry ladies...I had to do it! Yes...today I will be admitting that I am not always right. Any woman can tell you that we know when we are right and even when we are wrong we try to be right. So why is this such a difficult task? Why do I long to hear other people acknowledge when I am right? Why do I nag at my husband at times until he admits that I am right? It's not solely based on the fact that I am a woman. Rather, it involves my own view of myself and my confidence or lack thereof at times.

As a child I often felt inferior to others. I would watch others claim to know the truth only to find out that they didn't know what they were talking about. These people were put on pedestals and revered. When I'd find out they were wrong and that I could prove it, I felt angered and upset that people would still respect the opinions of these people who were wrong. I set out to prove that I was right. And so it started. Then, after a while I just got tired of people thinking I was wrong and I'd fight back to prove I was right. And then came the point where I knew a situation would turn out a certain way and when I would warn someone about it, they'd think I was nuts, go about doing what they were doing, only to find out that I was right in the end. But, they would still never admit that I was right.

Do I like to hear people tell me that I was right? Heck yeah! It strokes my ego a bit....it raises my confidence in myself. As you all know for past posts, my confidence is one thing I never had an abundance of. Most of all, I always felt I needed to push my point until people saw that I was right so that I'd fit in. If I didn't express my "rightness" how would I ever even have conversations with people. I would retreat into the quiet, contemplative person that I really am.

It's not that I need to hear that I am right all the time...just once in awhile is nice. I don't need to be the superior one and be right all the time....I just need someone to acknowledge that I am right once and awhile and help me to feel more like the 37 year old woman that I really am rather than the 6 yr child that I so often feel like.

Today I plan on sitting back and listening to people today. I won't pop up and give my opinion, regardless on whether I feel I am right or not, unless asked. I need to work on sitting back and thinking about the situation and not let it dominate my thoughts. I need to pick my battles. Maybe I will gain more respect from others if I do that today. It's not that my opinion doesn't matter...because it does to me. Rather, I have to live my life not everyone else's. I need to allow people to make their mistakes so they can learn from them and not try to shelter them. Will I stop standing up for myself. Of course not! Rather, I will think about what matters most in life and go from there.

Day 29: Let's get Physical..Physical...

So here it is...Day 29. I have made it officially one day over 4 weeks! It's hard to believe its been 29 days but I have stuck with it and for that I am very proud. So....why am I going to through another journey into the spokes of this wheel? Because this other journey will help me with this journey. This additional journey will be the toughest over the next 24 days. It's my journey to a physically better me. I am going on a.....oh my gosh...I gotta say it....DIET!

Why is this important to me? First off, I am fat. I will admit it. (They say admitting you have a problem is the first step!) My weight has posed a problem with the way I feel physically at times as well has been a bone of contention with family and others who feel that it would fix our fertility problem if I would only lose weight. (While weight can play a big part in fertility, it's not the only reason or the biggest reason that we have a fertility issue.) Being tired of the whole situation and the constant discussions about weight I have decided that it's time. It's time that I do something about it. Do not worry. I am not using drugs, surgery, or developing an eating disorder to do it. No...I am using a nutritional program (with a cleanse that starts it all off) with the right vitamins (omega fatty acids, probiotics, etc.) and the right foods. It truly will be a lifestyle change.

I think back to my days in high school and college and I miss the days of the slender me. Back then I am sure that I thought I was fat but more so now the scale shows me its true. I am not doing this for others this time though. I am doing it for me. How can I sit here and try and change myself mentally and other things in my environment if I am not willing to better myself physically? Getting to day 29 on this journey has given me the confidence I need to know that I won't give up on this 24 day challenge that I am embarking on starting today. If I can make it through the next 24 days (which is the time it takes your body to adjust to the habit of better eating, working out, etc.) then I know I will be able to continue on with a better physical lifestyle.

I know that I can do this. This is not a new years resolution, rather this is a life resolution. How can I change myself mentally if I beat myself up physically and don't care about my body and overall health. They say that the body is your temple, so treat it that way. Right now, my body is a run down church. The renovations begin today!

Day 28: Just relax

It seems nowadays that so often we fill our days with things to keep us busy, stiff schedules of one even right after another. I am one of the worst with it to where I get to the point that I ultimately collapse at the end of the day and my body never really relaxes. Today my task is to learn to relax.

Sure this task sounds easy...maybe even like a push over task. But it's not. When you are used to being on the go and filling your day with as much stuff as I often do you start to break down physically. Like flowers that bloom in the spring, they need down time during the winter...a dormancy of sorts...in order to bloom and grow in the spring and summer again. As humans we require much the same.

I noticed that I have been pushing myself alot lately. Pushing myself to get alot of things accomplished and alot of things done. Yet, I would tire myself out so much that when I finally got to sit down I would be drained. Even sleeping didn't help as I'd see myself more tired in the morning. My body would hurt more, I found myself biting at people, and even my digestive track, in the form of heartburn each night, would warn me to slow down. So...it's time I listen.

Why do I fill my days up with so many things and don't take time to just sit around and smell the flowers (figuratively) or to enjoy life? Because I so often think that it is expected of me...or that I have to keep up with everyone. In the process I lose site of who I am as a person and I try to "fit in" or be like everyone else. When we have the opportunity to relax we can reflect and regrow and be the people that we are intended to be.

So...today I will be relaxing. I will do whatever I want today that gives me life, enjoyment, strength and peace. Today is about me.

So just sit back and relax and enjoy today.

Day 27: Those footprints on my back

(I apologize early if in any way this blog today sounds angry...it's not meant to be that way or specifically towards anyone. Today is meant to be empowering for me.)

I learned a big lesson yesterday when in trying to help someone out, who has asked for my help many times before, that I keep letting that individual walk all over me. I don't know if I am just too generous to people, too compassionate, or too gullible, but I tend to offer myself and my talents to some people who tend to just take advantage of me. Today my task is to work on empowering myself to step back and say No.

So often I want to help people. I stick my neck out for individuals who end up hurting my credibility in the end. Part of my problem is that I trust some people too much and others not enough. Yesterday night I began to think about and reflect on the list of people who I feel that I could stick my neck out for and who would not stab me in the back or walk all over me time and time again. To tell you the truth, it wasn't a very long list. I still care about the people who have walked all over me but I think I have to learn to step back and allow those people to make the mistakes they make so that they can grow.

I think that many times I push too hard to help people and thus I am not empowering them to grow. I think even sometimes I do that to my husband. I do things to get them done and get them done right. (Well, MY version of what is right.) Instead of empowering people I make them dependant. It's time I cut the ties and allow people to become empowered.

That doesn't mean that I am not going to help people. Instead now, I know that I still have to take care of myself. I can't stand these footprints on my back from people walking all over me but I can't not help someone in need. Today I am going to begin telling people who seek my help what my conditions are and be upfront and honest so as not to get hurt in the process but I will also step back and not offer myself or my talents so freely anymore as I need to let those others grow.

Am I doing the right thing? I don't know, but that's part of what this journey is all about.

Day 26: Dying to ourselves

So, we get back to death again. Who would have thought that it was such a hot subject that I'd need 2 days to begin the work? Really, there is death so many ways in our lives but these two days (yesterday and today) begin the process of dealing with the two ways death is in my life; my choice and by chance. Today, I begin the process with dealing with dying to myself.

It may sound like deja vu a bit as I repeat the statement I said yesterday, but I love to think about the image of the butterfly and the dying to one's self in order to become a more beautiful person. This is so important in our lives. The challenge doesn't lay in wanting to be a more beautiful person...I'm all about that. The challenge comes in dying to ourselves and our old ways and life as it can sometimes be painful. If you think about it, the whole last 26 days has been about dying to ourselves, The things that I have set as my tasks are challenges for a reason: they can be hard to do! Thus, while losing someone physically to death can be hard, so can dying to ourselves.

Why is it that I can't let go of my old self? Why can't I let go of resentment and grudges I have either about things I have done in my life or had done to me? Change is hard! In a way, our life is like a 12 step program. We must live our lives accepting that we can't handle things, a higher power can, and we need to hand it to that higher power (sound familiar?). Twelve step programs are alot about dying to our old self and becoming new. I guess I would have to say that my addiction is not letting go and not letting myself move forward and grow. In a way though, this journey is my 12 step program..being done more like 365 steps.

What's important to do today if to look at our past and realize there were many times in our past that we have changed. Had God (or your higher power) intended for us to not change we would all be infants or born as adults! We have to change...its our way of life. We can't go back into the womb...we have to grow change. Today...I will begin to recognize that and begin to allow parts of my life go. Why am I holding on to a relationship/friendship that I doesn't allow me to grow in a positive way in life? Why do I sometimes wish that I could go back to the past and change things? Instead, I need to be grateful to the past and the growth it has allowed me to be.

Okay, so I feel like I am just rambling today. There is so much in my head that I need to start looking at with my life and need to recognize and let go. If today makes no sense, I apologize. Dying to ones self is hard to explain. I know though, that the end result I wish to see is that I have new wings and can soar and there is a more beautiful me than I started out with. I leave you with a quote from one of my favorite songs that was played the day a friend passed away. It's by country singer Brad Paisley: "When I get where I'm going, on the far side of the sky, thie first things I'm going to do is spread my wings and fly..."

Spread your wings today.

Day 25: Dealing with Death

As I typed the title for today's blog I began to laugh. Not because I think that death is funny...I think just the opposite...but rather because between yesterday talking about getting rid of things in my life and then today talking about death, someone might think I was having suicidal ideations. Do not fret...I am of as healthy of a mind as I normally am. (Assuming that I am any part normal!) Anyways, today's task of dealing with death will be covered twofold: both in the loss of people close to us and also in dying to our old selves. Today I will deal with dealing with death of people and tomorrow I will talk about dying to our old selves.

Death is something I have always had an issue with. The first death I can remember well was the death of my Grandpa Clem when I was 6 years old. There were others who died before I turned 6, but my relationship with my maternal grandparents was much stronger. Sometimes I think I remember it well because I was there at my Grandparents home when he passed away in 1979. The memory is so vivid in my memory I can still tell you what I was wearing that night. While some might say that I remember it because of the trauma I experienced, I feel that I remember it so that I can hold on to the last memories of my Grandfather that I have. I have other memories, but I want to remember him and not forget him so those vivid images come to my mind first and foremost.

I've lost plenty of friends....some to tragic accidents, others to illness or old age. But what sparks my dilemma with death? Why do I hate the thought of it so much, whether its my impending death someday or the thought that others will die? CHANGE. No matter how I look at it, the reason why I hate death so much is because that events invokes change in our lives. When someone passes away in your life, things change around you; how you function for those first few days they are gone, the thoughts of living without them, and even your weekly or daily routine. And for many, there is a feeling of being alone. Maybe the person was someone you confided in, trusted, or even considered your best friend. Just the pure thought of seeing them would put a smile on your heart or your face. Regardless, with them gone physically in your life, it sometimes feels hard to smile or find that smiling feeling.

What we need to remember is something that a friend, who has since passed, shared with me. She told me that our lives are like that of the butterfly, at some point we must all die to our old selves so that we can get wings and soar. (So true is that statement that I will probably use it again in tomorrow's task). It's okay to grieve...it's natural..it's human. But we need to remember its important that change happens in our lives. If we avoid change we are avoiding growth; both for ourselves and the person who has passed away. If you trust that there is an afterlife, wherever it might be, then you have to believe that this is a new stage of growth and change for the person who has passed. I'd hate to think that I am impeding someone from growing...or from getting their "wings." Letting them grow doesn't mean that we have to let them go. Rather, we can hold on to those vivid memories as long as we aren't holding on so hard that we continue to grieve physically for 30 plus years as that won't let them grow either.

On a trip a few months back down to the Motherhouse of the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ, where I use to be a nun, I sat on a bench on one of the floors and looked down the softly lit hall. There, (in my minds eye), I saw all the Sisters who I had known who had passed away over the years, in silence, walking down that hallway going to and fro. Each one paused for a moment to smile at me, nod their head, and go on their way. They were happy. And it was time for me to be happy for them too.

It's okay to grieve, and to be sad. But we have to move beyond the fear and hatred of death. We need to allow change to happen. This is where I start today.

Day 24: Ashes, Ashes, we all fall down

For those who don't quite get what the title of my blog today meant, today in the Church is Ash Wednesday. No meat today, no eating between meals, you go to church and get burnt palm leaves from the year before spread across your forehead in the shape of a cross, and you are supposed to "give up" something for the Lenten season. As a kid it also meant having this cardboard "bowl" which we were to collect money for the poor in. Usually, mine wound up with pennies in it because we didn't have alot of money growing up. With 5 mouths to feed on top of their own and trying to pay for Catholic schooling, there were many times my parents barely even had two pennies left after it all.

Call me a bad Catholic if you must, but every year since my childhood I tended to avoid Ash Wednesday, make the excuse that I couldn't eat fish (although I am not very fond of it anyways...) in order to get out of that dilemma, and usually make something up the day before Easter to tell everyone I had given up. This year I am going to do it different. This year, I am going to make Lent (the time of preparation towards Easter and in which we are reminded of the impending anniversary of Christ dieing on the cross to save us from our sins...) a time that I follow. This year I will give up something because I have found that like a house, the more clutter I have, the more chaotic my life can be.

I can't help but think about the tv show "Hoarders" about people whose lives have become so full of mess and clutter and dead things that they can barely function. They continue to pile things one on top of another in order to fulfill something missing in their lives until they can't move, breathe, or they push people away. In a way, for us Catholics, lent is that time of cleaning for us. I use to see it as a negative thing...something that I had to give up that I liked...and that made it hard to let go of whatever it was I was "giving up" for lent. Maybe if we clean ourselves internally of all the mess and give up that which we are holding on to we can feel free. Isn't that what Christ's dieing was for us? A freedom event? It was an event meant to be a sign that we were forgiven of our sins and a gateway to heaven was opened up for us so that we might enter upon our death.

So, what is it that I am giving up for Lent? Well, this lent I am continuing on the journey of bettering myself. Today, unbeknowest to my husband, I will begin getting rid of the clutter in our home. I want to simplify. Why do I need 14 drawers and a closet full of clothes just for me? Why do I need to hold on to so much stuff with the claim that I could fix it to save money? So, today I will be starting to rid myself of unnecessary items. No more holding on to the old phones that we don't need anymore, no more holding on to close when I can donate it to help others. My task today, is to start doing that internally. What am I holding onto and why? Isn't it time to release those things I am holding on to? The anger, the lack of being able to forgive, trust issues; all those last 23 days! Today I begin the journey of lent ridding myself of what held me back. Someone recently told me that today really is the first day of the rest of my life. Today, I plan to live that.

What are you doing for lent?

Day 23: Trusting Others

Okay....so you all saw this one coming after yesterday, didn't you? Trusting others can be one of the most difficult things in my life. Often times I mistook my difficulty with trusting others just as my way of controlling things in my life but in reality, it was that I was having a difficult times trusting others.

Who likes to get hurt emotionally? Not me. Sometimes as a result of not wanting to get hurt I put up that brick wall and do things myself, not trusting others in the return. I don't like to feel the way it does when someone I trusted hurts me. Like love, I don't give my trust out freely. Sometimes I think it has to do with the sexual abuse I suffered as a child, (i.e. trusting someone as a child who betrayed my childlike trust and physically inflicted such pain.). Even if I forgave the individual in the past doesn't mean that I have to trust them again, does it? While I don't have to trust them, I need to move forward in my learning to trust others.

How do you do that? Do I use as a baseline the worst thing that has happened in your life that affected your trust and compare everything to that? Since each betrayal of trust is different, it's almost impossible to do it that way. So, I guess its just taking everything one day at a time, each situation at a time. Regardless though, I feel like I am still at square one with trusting others.

I guess I need feedback on this one. When do you start to trust humans again? I trust God, but humans are not God. At what point to continue to dole out trust to individuals who've hurt you and betrayed your trust? If I don't begin to trust (humans) again am I allowing myself to grow and improve or will this be a roadblock into improving myself?

Talk to me people!

Day 22: Trust Yourself

Today's topic is trust, and most specifically to trust yourself. Before we can learn to trust others we must first trust ourselves. If we "know" that we are going to fail at something but we try to do it anyways, we tend to fail, right? However, if you trust yourself and believe that you can do it, you are less likely to fail. While that sounds more like believing in yourself, trusting yourself really goes hand in hand. It's like a diet. I know that if I look at starting a diet and believe that I am likely to fail it, I can't trust myself around foods and other things that could impede my improvement in that area.

Trusting yourself involves going with your gut instinct though also. Normally, I hate spending money on something full price...and it's even harder when I know its something I need. Today my husband and I are going shopping (yeah for President's Day being a Federal holiday!) One of the hard things we need to look for is a new dining room table and chairs. I hate spending money and when it comes to big items like that, I tend not to trust my instincts. Today, I vow to do that. I vow to trust my instincts.

So, why don't I trust my instincts? Because I am afraid. I am afraid of choosing wrongly. I am afraid of making a mistake. What we need to learn today most of all though is that we need be willing to make mistakes but not let that affect our trusting in ourselves. Trusting in ourselves affects our confidence and our belief in ourselves.

It's funny how topics over the last 22 days start to sound as though they repeat themselves or that they flow into each other. I guess, as part of the journey, I am seeing that they need to do this. If each of these topics is to make a better me, then they have to come together and link together. Wow...I need a day off more often. My brain actually starts to work...or maybe its because I am becoming that new me. Only 343 more days to go!

Remember...trust your instincts today. Enjoy your day.

Day 21: Love, Love, Love

It's only obvious that on Valentine's Day that I would speak about love. But today I am not only going speak about it, but make it my task of the day.

In the last week I have spoken about forgiveness and anger. At times such as these it is often difficult to feel love when you are angry with someone or when you have been hurt and you need to forgive someone. The common phrase, "I will forgive but not forget" often plays in my mind. I often think with that phrase that I can forgive you but I don't know if I can love you; maybe I could like you...but it may be difficult to love you.

What brought up the issue of anger this week was actually 2-fold. I had been dealing with feelings of hurt and anger that I couldn't put aside from someone who hurt me a few weeks ago. I was hurt because of a relationship in my life that was being ended by someone else for reasons I will never understand; and then angered because of things that other person said. These feelings were then taken out on people closest to me and resentment and issues I was having with other people started to control my life. Then BOOOOOOOM!!!! The anger task!

Today isn't about anger anymore. Today is about love. When life was falling apart around me this week I wondered if I would ever be able to love these people in my life again. For me, love isn't something I just freely have been able to give out. I don't say it unless I mean it. When I say it, its because I have a deep committed, trusting relationship with you. In other words, I am there for you no matter what. I love some of my friends. I only let certain people into my life to know every part of who I am and my past...those are the friends and the family that I love. And I love my husband.

I can say those things, but because of events recently, I had a hard time truly truly feeling them inside of me. I could love someone, but I wasn't always sure they loved me back. My trust issues and my own confidence issues often played a part in me not being able to trust others when they said it to me. Did it mean the same to them that it meant to me? Was it a word that they just threw at everyone? I am reminded of the old tv show, Falcon Crest, where Joan Collins's character in her wonderful English accent would tell Linda Evan's , "I just love ya, darling" and the next thing you would see is her pushing her into a pool or stabbing her in the back. Love has been passed around in word to freely and in action not enough!

I remember the feelings in the beginning of my relationship with my husband 12 years ago. The butterflies in the stomach, the sheer feeling of dizziness that would shoot into my head when he would grab and hold my hand. Why did I lose those feelings? Maybe it's because in a way I started to take love for granted or because I thought that other things constituted love. Maybe because I became so preoccupied with other things in my life that I stopped paying attention when things were being done out of love when it was right before my eyes. What I need to start doing again is seeing love in the small things.

Today, I am taking my husband out to dinner at a nice quiet, romantic restaurant...something we haven't been able to do for most of the 12 years we have been together. I am going to open my heart and start believing in love again. I am going to take each moment as it comes and not with anticipation. I will start to see love in the little things again. One great present my husband gave me this year is not so much just what he gave me, but what he didn't. He passed up on tickets to a certain Men's College basketball game for valentine's day night just so he could spend time with me.

Thank you St. Valentine for this wonderful day. (And by the way: Happy Birthday to my brother-in law Cully...[you are more like a brother to me] and to my father-in-law Steve!)

Day 20: Find some quiet time

Here it is, Saturday morning, and once again I am up early writing this blog. It seems as though since I started to take this journey, I am summoned to be awake early every Saturday and Sunday. Today, I am going to help my brother and his family move into their new home. At times I am a bit jealous of this opportunity for him. It seems as though my husband and I are the only ones in my family living in the city and having to deal with all the noises, crime and violence there is with living in a poorer neighborhood. And unfortunately, right now the opportunity to move is not possible nor there for us. So...we deal with it. I am jealous of the peace and the quiet that they have, the serenity that their new home will provide. Oh to have that time again.

And then I sit back right now and think about this again. Why does God have me awake each of these mornings so early and typing this blog out? All of a sudden it dawns on me: it's to help me find peace in my life. Every morning when I am sitting and typing this out, it is quiet. I can hear myself type, my husband fast asleep and snoring, and all is calm and quiet, and usually just as the sun is beginning to break through the clouds and rise. (I know... some days there isn't so much sun...but it's there.) It's as if right before dawn, the whole world becomes immensely quiet. You can close your eyes and listen...for that one moment, there is peace in the world.

Today's task is finding the moment of peace in our lives and actually taking that quiet time. My weekends are filled with events, tasks, chores, and anything else under the sun. I don't often give myself the quiet time that we need in order to rejuvenate ourselves. It's time to start paying attention to that need in our lives. How often have I said, "I will find the time later," only to never find the time and eventually burn myself out? During my days in the convent, that was something that was built into our days: early to rise around 6 a.m., quiet time and prayer, and then off to do our works for the day. Even though I was half asleep most of the time, the peace of that morning was important. That quiet time was necessary because it's when you could feel God most being present in your heart. When you could feel the wings and the arms of your guardian angel wrapped around you in an embrace. Since leaving the convent, I don't remember feeling that feeling until now...until I began this journey 20 days ago.

As I venture onward today to help in the chaos of a move from noise to peace, (literally and figuratively) I will find the quiet time in my day that I need to have to keep moving forward and to feel the angels' embrace. Maybe I keep the radio off. Maybe I stow away to someplace quiet for a few moments. Either way, today I find some quiet time. It's time now for you to go and find yours.

Day 19: Stepping Back and Taking a Breath

I apologize to everyone yesterday for the strength of that blog. I will admit, there will be times that my blog won't be pretty! But as I was reminded last night by a couple family members, the path to growing and changing and making yourself a better person isn't always going to be pretty. It will be hard. There will be messy days. Yesterday was one of them.

So, hence today's blog. I learned yesterday from a friend (who had read my blog) that it's okay to be angry. There are times we need those days. From holding in some resentment and anger about past issues I was having with someone as well as feelings I wasn't communicating, it caused me to explode. I was reminded also that there really aren't any relationships that are perfect, they are a constant work in progress. So, today, I am stepping back and taking a breath. It's something I encourage everyone to do.

When I took myself out of the situation yesterday that was causing me to be angry and I was able to find myself a place of calmness, I was able to step back and re-organize things in my mind. I was able to begin to deal with how to address the problem. Now that things have begun to be worked out I can breathe. Acknowledging that we need that time is an important step

Sometimes you can't voyage further until you give yourself a break. That's why vacations have to happen...otherwise people get burned out from their work. I'm not planning on taking a break from the journey or from blogging...that I will continue to do daily. Instead, my blog will sometimes require me to take one topic and spread it over a couple of days. Truly, did any of you think I really had 365 things wrong with me? Again..it's the journey that matters and I appreciate all of you for taking it with me.

Today, in my stepping back and taking a breath, I am able to remember why the relationships is important to me. I am able to look at the positive things about the other person and remember the things that make me love them. Today involves seeing the good again, the positive again, the love again.

Today is a work in progress.

Day 18: Anger

Today likely won't be the kind of blog you are used to reading. I am sitting here trying to write this morning with absolutely nothing that I can write in my head. I am angry. I am angry about a situation happening. I am angry at things I can't control. I am so angry I have tears in my eyes, my stomach feels like someone just punched me, I feel my chest tightening and I just want to punch something. This is what happens when I get angry.

More than anything I am feeling hurt and resentment. Today is going to be the hardest day to get through and to deal with the anger and the resentment and the hurt. Today is going to be hard to pass on forgiveness. Today is the culmination of the last week of tasks and trying to deal with them all. Did I plan it this way? No. Things happen.

Anger eats alive your entire system until you can't take it anymore and you snap. I call those my punching moments. While I have hurt myself physically before by punching things (a tree, a concrete wall, and metal beam) I am holding everything back to keep from doing it today. And then what happens as I am typing this blog? My computer shuts down because I must have accidentally hit the power button and I am faced with more anger at how today is going. Part of me knows that I need to step back and count to 10 or whatever number I have to reach before I calm down or I need to get as far away from what is angering me. But does running help? No. It just makes things worse. The more time I have to just sit and think about things the worse my anger gets. The only answer to dealing with this today is prayer.

And so I pray. I sit here and pray. I know that I can't control what is going on in my life that is causing me anger. So I just pray. I pray today for an answer to help me through this situation. I pray that God helps me control all day the desire to want to punch something and that I will continue to keep from doing it today. I pray for a clear mind to be able to get through work and what I need to do. I just pray.

I have no answers today for you. No semi-therapeutic babble on how to deal with this issue today. All I have is prayer.

Day 17: Forgiveness

I tried hard to think of a funny little quip or title for toady's task but the word alone just kept coming to my mind. I even had a whole different task come to mind last night as I prepared for bed, yet the short train that sometimes is my memory eluded me this morning and the one word that I couldn't stop thinking about was forgiveness. I've been avoiding this task for the last 17 days primarily out of the fact that in order to forgive some people it means dealing with the hurt that they caused me. What brings me to it today is the fact that I know from forgiving people in the past that I receive a gift or even an insight into the rest of my life as a result of the forgiveness.

Why forgiveness and why now? Just a couple of days ago I used resentment as a task. In order to keep moving forward after starting to deal with resentment, I realized that I had to forgive some people. I realized that hurt feelings or things I have been holding onto from the past I couldn't move beyond until I forgave someone or sometimes even myself. If I truly want to be a better person I must be more willing to forgive someone who has wronged me or hurt me, whether intentional or unintentional. Why have I been carrying on the hurt and anger against those who bullied me in school? Why do I continue to hold a grudge? What does it get me other than hurt feelings and physical ailments from the holding on and the grinding of my teeth about the situation? It's time to move forward.

Let me give you some insight into my life. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I held on to a secret for 13 years before I told anyone. I went to therapy, group therapy, and read every self-help book out there. And then I forgave the guy who did what he did to me. While I may not have physically approached him, I forgave him. I don't condone what he did, but I forgave him. I no longer fear seeing him or let the shear thought of him frighten me anymore.

It's situations like this where sometimes you have to forgive the person who hurt you (whether physically, mentally, or just plain hurt your feelings...) without them asking for forgiveness. I recently dealt with a situation where someone who has been important in my life chose to distance themselves from me and a few others in my life. I even sought forgiveness for things I didn't do or had no idea that I had done. I was truly truly sorry, hoping that a relationship could be mended. The person just pushed themselves further and further away and said hurtful things. Things that I have been angry about, holding onto, and trying to deal with. I realized this morning that regardless of whether that person will ever come back into my life (its their choice, not mine..) I will forgive them. I forgive them now. Like the father of the prodigal son, I will welcome this person back into my life, regardless of the pain and hurt that has occurred. I only hope that they can forgive me at some point.

Forgiveness is vital to our life. Sometimes we kick ourselves or beat ourselves up for choices we made in our past. At times we even kick ourselves for forgiving someone over and over again who then continues to hurt us. Forgiveness truly means renouncing the anger and resentment and excusing the fault or offense. It doesn't mean that the pain didn't occur or the offense didn't happen. It means we learn from it and we change our future decisions and choices as a result of it. And that's the gift.

So today, I will make a list out of all the people I need to forgive...with my name on the list of course...and I will start from there and begin to work through how I can begin to forgive.

Day 16: The Blatantly Honest Guru

During our early courtship day, my husband Jeff let it be known to me that one of his best and worst personality traits was that he was blatantly honest. He had told me that at times his honesty has gotten him into trouble because he would be honest when someone asked him his opinion and it didn't always meet the opinion of others. Sometimes it made him highly unpopular. In a way, Jeff really is an honesty guru...even if he doesn't know it. Why do we hold in telling someone the truth?

Today's topic is honesty. When Jeff first told me that he tended to be blatantly honest with people I kind of chuckled. Didn't he tell people white lies? (You know...those little things that were easier to tell to avoid hurting someone or getting yourself into trouble?) His reply back was, "I learned when I was younger that if you can't say something honestly its better to say nothing at all." While that doesn't mean to hold back on saying things and let things build up and fester, it points to a skill that so many of us fail to do before we open our mouths: think.

I thought back to how many times I open my mouth and speak before I really think things through. There is an ability to be honest and then there is the ability to be just plain hurtful by what we say. We can be honest while not causing pain on someone and its all in how we say it. A friend once told me that its not the other person who is at fault for hurting you because they told the truth, it's how I perceived the truth and it was my emotions that perceived it negatively. When we address a painful truth, we must acknowledge that the pain was not the intention of the other person if they are being truthful and honest, rather the pain is from inside us because we hadn't prepared ourselves for that truth. Why? Because at times its easier to hear a lie, no matter how simple or how complex it is.

Today, I plan on working on being a more honest person, stepping back and thinking before I speak, and preparing myself to hear honesty. Regardless of the outcome of what it said, I have to respect those who are honest with me. If I can't do that and start to work on that in my own life, then why even continue blogging?

Day 15: Rage against the machine

It's amazing that I have made it the two full weeks! There have been challenges along the way and times I was ready to give up, but I have made it! Now...just to get through the other 351 days and we'll be good. I've begun to realize just how hard this challenge is; not just by means of digging deep and finding the tasks that I need to work on but also really being attentive to them.

Today's task is one that I have been thinking about doing for a long time but didn't know if I was ready to address. Today seemed like a good day to start. Today's task is resentment.

Throughout my entire life I can honestly say that I have held grudges. I have been resentful of the fact that throughout a large portion of my grade school and high school years I was made fun of by other kids. I was called names, looked down the nose at, and I had a hard time making friends. I never fully had a "best friend" in school. You know...the kind that sticks around no matter what happened. The kind that you'd be willing to get in trouble with. I was forced into being a follower as opposed to a leaders roll. While now I try to take leadership rolls more frequently, I still hold resentment for what I went through. Even more so now I see that my resentment and problem with holding grudges still holds true to relationships now.

When someone burns me emotionally or in a way that makes me feel berated, I tend to hold on to that feeling for a long time. Even in my marital relationship I see that I hold a resentment to my husband for various things. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than anything, but I tend to get upset and angry for things he does over and over again that I feel are things that wrong me. It may be as stupid and simple of a thing as taking my pillows every night so that I end up waking up with a headache each morning, or his taking over the bed and jabbing me in the stomach or back to where I wake with a stomach ache or a horrible backache. (Trust me, I am laughing about it right now but it wasn't so funny when I got out of bed and felt sick to my stomach this morning.) Getting a bigger bed isn't the answer. Addressing the issue with him is. I realize this as I say it now. Rather than addressing the issue with him though, I tend to get angry. Or at night I take back my pillow, etc. and whack him good with one of his. Rage. I don't have road rage, I have bed rage!

Where did all this anger come from? Resentment. I am not resentful that he gets the bed and the covers or jabs me all night long. No, I am resentful about other things that have nothing to do with my pillows. Without airing my dirty laundry list or being specific, I have realized that I am holding on to things of the past. Minuscule things that I should have let go of along time ago. Things nonetheless that I keep holding on to. Letting go...there it is again. It seems to me that this letting go will pop up often in my journey as its probably what impedes me from moving forward sometimes.

Today I need to work on addressing the issues of resentment I have towards others, whether it be my husband, a sibling, co-workers, acquaintances, whoever. Only once I address the issue can I bring my resentment to the table and let it go. And the more I realize it, the more I find that it starts with me. What am I upset with myself about that I have held on too long to? How can I let go of the resentment I have against something I have done or wished I would have done in my life? Why am I still holding on to it? How does holding on to it benefit me?

Maybe as I begin letting go, I won't wake in the mornings with heartburn or a stomach ache. And maybe...just maybe, my husband won't have to suffer the wrath of a pillow attack late at night. Well....one out of the two isn't bad!

Day 14: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. While I am not an alcoholic (seriously...the two glasses of margarita last night with supper gave me a migraine this morning!), I do have a problem. Often when someone is speaking I tend to cut in on the conversation, always wanting to put my two cents worth. Sometimes I think that part of it is because I am afraid of being invisible or even treated like I don't know anything about what they are talking about. I know that sometimes too its because I have wanted to feel like a part of the group. Regardless, I know that what I do gets annoying. So today, I will be taking on the task of respect.

Respect can be accomplished in many ways, one being allowing the people involved in your life know they are respected verbally. Other ways involve allowing them time and stepping back to allow them to "shine." Even my nonverbal communication in a conversation gets to the point that people know that I want to jump in on the conversation. How many times in your life have people told you that you do the same thing. It's like having a running marquee across your forehead saying, "OH OH OH....I have something to say!!!!" It becomes distracting and affects the joy or the emotion the other person is having. It becomes all about me and less about me giving them the respect they need. Why do I feel I always have to have the last word on everything or every conversation? Why do I try to fix people when they are talking about a problem. Today, I am going to step back. I am going to work on how I communicate with others and respect them by allowing them full time in what they have to say or do.

Yes, this blog will be short today. (Some of you might be saying...YEAH!!!!). They say it takes a village to raise a child. In rebuilding myself, I realize that I am much like a child growing and maturing all over again. So..today I am seeking help from the village. Out of respect for all of you reading this, I'd like to hear from you about your opinion of this task. How can I work on this better? How can I communicate with others and show my respect without "stomping on their parade" so-to-speak? How have you had to do this in your own life?

Day 13: I can do that tomorrow...

Once in awhile I just love to do nothing. Just sit and enjoy the fact that the sun is out and the world is spinning and just do nothing. Oh...wait...did I say once in a while? How about everyday! So often it seems as if there is not enough time in the day to get everything done that we need to get done so we tend to sit down to take our "breather" and end up sitting there the rest of the day or the evening. Why do we do such things? Maybe because I lived in a house with individuals who were workaholics when I was in the convent. Maybe because whatever it is that needs to be done I know will be there tomorrow. Maybe because I am hoping that someone else will consider doing it. Whatever the reason, I know that I am to blame for putting it off. Today's task is to stop procrastinating.

Like many people in the world, I find myself coming home from work, making supper, cleaning the table and wanting to collapse on the couch. I am exhausted! I dread doing anything more!When I wake up the next morning I still see that the dishes either need washed, the laundry done, the mail gone through and taken care of, etc. While mentally we sometimes need a break from everything, to do this on an almost daily basis can put us so far behind on things that we only end up putting it off more.

I am not saying that we need to become workaholics and work from sun up to sundown and see how much we can get accomplished, but rather that we need to become more aware of things in our life that we need to really get done at the times that they present themselves. When we put off some things in our life, we tend to start putting off alot of things in our life. It may start with the laundry or the dishes but how often does it turn to other things? When I fell behind on getting the menial things accomplished in my life I also found that I was putting off praying. I was putting off going to mass. I was putting off seeing friends or trying to stay in communication with them. I was putting off so much of my life.

I dread today letting my husband read this blog for I know that the first thoughts in his mind will be: "Good...you are no longer procrastinating on cleaning the basement, the extra bedroom, the office, etc." To that I say, "Dear...and you can stop procrastinating in helping me with the basement, extra bedroom, and office. (wink wink.) Today, I am going to stop pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to where I want to just collapse. Today I am going to accomplish at least 2 things that I have been putting off doing. (Okay...gotta find that to do list around here somewhere.) But most of all, today I will find more time to pray.

Day 12: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

I had half written a different task for today when I realized that it really just didn't fit. I woke up this morning and for some reason was in a decent mood. Was it because of today being the end of the work week or was it because of good things that happened yesterday to us to make me feel like it was going to be a good day today? I don't know. Whatever it was, I knew that today had to be a positive uplifting topic. So...today is about humor.

It's easy to think about the negative things going on in our life and to ruminate about them, especially when we know these issues are things we can't change and control. How can we move past them, not forgetting them, but changing our mindset to also project the positive energy we need for our bodies to heal, grow, and survive? Humor. Haven't you ever had one of those days where you were just "blah." You weren't happy, you weren't sad, but you just went through the motions. You feel as though you could go back to bed. But then, out of no where, someone says something funny and it makes you laugh a really good laugh. One of those laughs that you feel deep inside of you. Even a laugh so hard that it almost makes you pee your pants.

We need these laughs in our day. We need our hormones and our energy to be positive. Positive energy heals the body and the mind. While some say it may take less energy to not be positive, it actually takes more. How often, when you've been blah and depressed have you just wanted to sleep? But when you've been upbeat and happy it seemed like you had enough energy to accomplish anything that came your way.

Today I am going to be positive and seek out humor and share it. Whether it be a joke, a funny video, etc. As I walked in this morning to a quite office, a colleague who didn't hear me come in was startled and screamed as I walked past her and spoke to her. We both had a great laugh...and the image still sticks in my mind and makes me smile. I feel energized already! So...beware if you see me today. I am locked and loaded with few jokes to help make your day brighter.

I leave you today with one of my favorite jokes. (I promise it to be clean today...)

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:"The big sissy."

Day 11: When eye can not see and ear can not hear

Some people fear the dentist. Some fear going to their doctor. I fear going to the eye doctor. My fear stems, not from having to look through the funny glasses while sitting in a captains chair, that was actually fun. Rather, some of my fear came from the eye drops and the puffs of air they'd put into your eyes. More so, a majority of my fear came from the fact that I had a blind Uncle. This blind Uncle, Uncle Hank, died the day I was born. (Literally...I was born at 8:32 a.m. and at 8:30 p.m. my parents got a call that evening that he passed away unexpectedly.) My fears resurfaced about 14 years ago as my father risked the loss of his vision when he wound up with a detached retina. Throughout my childhood I would imagine what it would be like to be blind verses losing my hearing and realized at a young age that I would rather lose my hearing than to lose my sight. Now, as I get older, the fear comes back stronger and especially in light of some recent serious problems with one of my eyes.

Today's task is not about fear though. Today is about what we miss out on when we lose our sight. Today's task is to see the beauty in the world and bring that beauty to others in our interaction with them. Today is about being positive. It's about finding a "moment" in each day that not only keeps you going, but which you can share with others and maybe impact their life in a positive way.

It's difficult in a world filled with disaster, crime, poverty, and high unemployment rates, to sometimes find something positive in our day to tell others. However, I watched a former colleague of mine one time speak to another colleague (who had been in a foul mood) about something funny and beautiful that she had experienced that morning. It was interesting to sit back and watch the mood of the one colleague change from depressed and negative into one that she just couldn't help smile about. That colleague's mood remained upbeat for the rest of the day. But we don't only have to do that to help others. Instead, if we find something beautiful, funny or uplifting in our life it will impact our own mood. So what if your child or spouse is driving you nuts or that you got in an argument with them...how fortunate that you have a husband or a child when that's what some people pray for. So what if you have bills to pay and not alot of money...you woke up today with a roof above your head and your refrigerator or pantry wasn't completely empty.

Today, I was able to get out of bed and get showered and ready for work. I have a home, a husband, and hot water. So what if my health is not the best...I woke up and I am alive today. So what if I have bills to pay and not alot of money...I will always have bills to pay. So what if I have to deal with an incorrigible client today...I at least have a job. So what! As I sit typing this at my dining room table I can look to my left and glance out the big picture window in our dining room and see the footprints of the squirrels and rabbits that frolic in the snow covered yard. I can see, even though the sky might look grey, that it's the morning time. I can see the trees that fill our back yard and know that in a few months they will be filled with leaves. I can see.

Today I will find a positive moment to share with others. Today I'll imagine what life would like without my ability to see...the ability to see the colorful pallete of the world that God gave us...and I am so grateful that I have my sight. Today I will open my eyes and see the beauty and share it with others.

Who knows...maybe someone will pay that forward today.

Day 10: Pay it forward

As I reflected on my journey last night and this morning and what today's task should be, I kept getting the phrase, "Pay it Forward" in my head. When I think about that phrase I am reminded of the book and the movie of that same title. In the movie, 12 yr old Trevor McKinney is given an assignment to devise and put into action a plan that will help change the world for the better. Trevor devises the Pay it Forward plan and begins by helping one person, who then in turn is instructed to pay it forward to someone else, never expecting reward or to be paid back in return. The philosophy of Pay it Forward was actually described as far back as 1784 when Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to Benjamin Webb of the concept. Again later it was quoted by Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay "Compensation" as he wrote, "In the order of nature we cannot render benefits to those from whom we receive them, or only seldom. But the benefit we receive must be rendered again, line for line, deed for deed, cent for cent, to somebody."

While I believe at times I can be a generous person, and while I try to help someone I wonder if I try to seek reward in return sometimes. I know at times I try to rationalize my giving to others. ("Do I have enough money to do this, is this homeless person going to go out and spend this on alcohol, will they always bother me in the future, I won't give unless I know my dollar is truly going to help the poor, "are just a few of the questions that come to mind as I try and rationalize.) Or how about looking at what that same person gave to you in order to determine how much or how little you will give to them in return? (This person gave us only $20 at our wedding...that's all I am giving them...) And I often place conditions on whether I give to others. (I am not going to help that person because they hurt my feelings or they will just back stab me later. )

Rather than giving and telling someone to pay it forward, I often expect a reward, either from God or from others stroking my ego once they've found out what I did. I realized today that in retrospect, I truly wasn't paying it forward because at the same time I expected someone or God to reward me in return. God's reward's shouldn't be an expected thing. Rather, it should be a surprise. Our paying it forward to others shouldn't be a limited, conditional thing that strokes our ego. Rather, we need to give (or help) and then let it go. It shouldn't be that we seek the reward, but rather we want the reward for the person whom we are helping.

Paying it forward isn't about money. We can pay it forward with our time, our talents, or our other treasures. One small thing we do may impact a greater good. I am reminded of a sibling and her spouse who dedicate their time and talents to a dog rescue group and how many dogs they have saved. Or the friend who with one idea of starting a garden to help in one neighborhood to grow free food for those in need has now influenced the start of 14 more.

Today I will be more aware of paying it forward and I will work on leaving my ego at the door. But as I leave you today, I leave you with another quote that comes from one of my favorite movies, The Power of One. "Changes can come from the power of many, but only when they come together to form that which is invincible--the power of One."

Day 9: Hope

Every Groundhog's Day I wake up with the sheer hope that this time, for this year, Punxatony Phill won't see his shadow. As records show, that rascally rodent saw his shadow over 100 times since 1887, (although 9 years of records were lost or misplaced so they are unsure of the outcome during those years.) As I crawled out of bed and wrapped a blanket around me this chilly and snow filled Groundhog's Day morning I was so sure that with this weather, how could anyone see their shadow. To my dismay, Punxie there came out of his whole and saw his shadow so we are stuck with another 6 weeks of winter. With my hopes dashed I put on my boots and headed out the door to work.

Hope. While hoping that the weather warms up a few weeks earlier this year is just a menial and silly thing to hope for it is what fills our days and what motivates us. However, hope is not some random thing that we believe in that just floats around in the air. When we hope for something, where does it go? In order for hope to exist, one must believe that there is a higher power to whom that hope rises and by whom it is embraced. Regardless of our desire for the outcome of that hope, the result could be just the opposite since we don't control the outcome.

Giving up on hope is something that I have found myself doing alot over the last couple of years. For the last 5 1/2 years my husband and I have been trying to conceive. We went through fertility treatments, followed every wives tail, listened to the advice of every person who gave it, and prayed. Nothing. A positive pregnancy test only to find out from the Doctor that is was a false positive topped it all off. I was done hoping. When you hope, your emotions are aroused, you tend to walk a little lighter, and you try to bring all energy into making what you are hoping for a reality. When our hopes of conceiving were bashed by that pregnancy test, so was all hope. I became cynical and negative and depressed. I began to think that hoping was a false emotion. Something not even worth doing because it would never go as I wanted it to.

And then I realized the answer was right in front of me. I was hoping without giving it to God. I was hoping so hard that I wasn't able to see what God was wanting for me. Maybe the time wasn't right...it wasn't in God's time. Maybe there has been something I have needed to do in my life or change in my life before we are given the opportunity. Maybe it's just not meant to be, no matter what I hope and wish for. Eventually I will have insight into the right path that my life is supposed to be on.

Thomas Fuller once said, "If it were not for Hopes, the heart would break." Whether you are looking for a job, a home, a spouse, or to try and have a family, don't give up hope. Without hopes our dreams fade away.I have been in the same boat as you. Today I am going to begin again to have hope. I didn't like the person I was...negative and depressed. And I am going to learn to accept the road that my higher power (God) has planned for me. And I will continue to hope that he hears my prayers.

As I leave you today with this I leave with one last quote that I am reminding myself often of today. "The important thing is not that we can live on hope alone, but that life is not worth living without it." (by activist Harvey Milk)

Day 8: Yes Honey, I am awake....I have one foot on the floor!

It's great to have made it through the first 7 days of this journey. As I sat down this morning to type out my task for the day I had a dozen ideas for a task, even one that my husband had come up with last night. But none of them seemed right for today. I woke up this morning wanting to just throw the covers back over my body and stay in bed. Mid-sleep indigestion from my attempt at making pork fried rice for supper last night had woken me up and I could still feel the unsettling feeling in my stomach. My body was hurting from the rough night of sleep and I kept begging the alarm clock to turn back time. No luck. I was stuck accepting the fact that it was Monday.

Mondays are the roughest. The average work week for me is set where I have to get up in the morning and give myself the confidence to make it through the rest of the week. I have to tell myself that I am good at what I do and that I can accomplish anything this week. I usually walk into work then on Monday having to remind myself of that same exact thing. By Friday I would be bounding with confidence in myself, (and joy that it was the last work day) only to have the weekend come and go and have to start it all over again on Monday. Maybe it was the years of being beaten down by a former employer that got me to this point, but now that I am at a place where I am respected, believed in, and trusted, maybe I can begin to do the same to myself.

Today's task then is to believe in myself. This seems to be something that I have struggled with for a long time...all the way back to my childhood days. I never believed in myself in school and would cower away from anything new or adventurous. I never wanted to take risks. I believed in the play it safe method on everything. Why I was this way, as I look back on it now, was because I never believed that I could succeed. If it was something safe then I could accomplish it. If it was risky..forget about it!

Today as I reflect on the task of believing in myself (which some may dub as having confidence in myself) I am reminded of a song popular back in the mid 90's by a group called Enigma. The song is called "Return to Innocence." During the summer of 1997 I must have listened to that song almost daily. It kept me getting out of bed in the morning.

Don't be afraid to be weak

Don't be too proud to be strong

Just look into your heart my friend

That will be the return to yourself

The return to innocence

If you want, then start to laugh

If you must, then start to cry

Be yourself don't hide

Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say

Just follow your own way

Don't give up and use the chance

To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end

That's the return to yourself

The return to innocence

This task of believing in myself is going to be a big step and a challenging task. It's so much easier to step back and let others do things. And yet, in the long run it is harder. When we don't believe in ourselves we tend to beat ourselves up. We lose out on opportunity. We lose out on being a part of something greater. And we keep telling ourselves we are no good. Today I will have to remain strong in the tasks I set forth last week to start working on. It will take facing my fears, letting go (and letting God), as well as not retreating to something mind numbing (like watching TV) to get me to even take the babiest of all baby steps in believing in myself. I have even often wondered if that was the reason that God had chosen me not to have a child yet...because deep inside I didn't believe in my ability to be a good mother.

Louisa May Alcott once wrote, "Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." Today, I am going to believe in myself. I am going to bound out of bed and greet the day and know that I can make it through. I am going to look towards the sunshine (regardless if it is actually out in the sky) and remember what my goal is with this journey. And I am going to believe in myself because I believe in this journey.

So, as I venture out into the world today I just have one more thing to say: "BRING IT ON!"