It's great to have made it through the first 7 days of this journey. As I sat down this morning to type out my task for the day I had a dozen ideas for a task, even one that my husband had come up with last night. But none of them seemed right for today. I woke up this morning wanting to just throw the covers back over my body and stay in bed. Mid-sleep indigestion from my attempt at making pork fried rice for supper last night had woken me up and I could still feel the unsettling feeling in my stomach. My body was hurting from the rough night of sleep and I kept begging the alarm clock to turn back time. No luck. I was stuck accepting the fact that it was Monday.
Mondays are the roughest. The average work week for me is set where I have to get up in the morning and give myself the confidence to make it through the rest of the week. I have to tell myself that I am good at what I do and that I can accomplish anything this week. I usually walk into work then on Monday having to remind myself of that same exact thing. By Friday I would be bounding with confidence in myself, (and joy that it was the last work day) only to have the weekend come and go and have to start it all over again on Monday. Maybe it was the years of being beaten down by a former employer that got me to this point, but now that I am at a place where I am respected, believed in, and trusted, maybe I can begin to do the same to myself.
Today's task then is to believe in myself. This seems to be something that I have struggled with for a long time...all the way back to my childhood days. I never believed in myself in school and would cower away from anything new or adventurous. I never wanted to take risks. I believed in the play it safe method on everything. Why I was this way, as I look back on it now, was because I never believed that I could succeed. If it was something safe then I could accomplish it. If it was risky..forget about it!
Today as I reflect on the task of believing in myself (which some may dub as having confidence in myself) I am reminded of a song popular back in the mid 90's by a group called Enigma. The song is called "Return to Innocence." During the summer of 1997 I must have listened to that song almost daily. It kept me getting out of bed in the morning.
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
This task of believing in myself is going to be a big step and a challenging task. It's so much easier to step back and let others do things. And yet, in the long run it is harder. When we don't believe in ourselves we tend to beat ourselves up. We lose out on opportunity. We lose out on being a part of something greater. And we keep telling ourselves we are no good. Today I will have to remain strong in the tasks I set forth last week to start working on. It will take facing my fears, letting go (and letting God), as well as not retreating to something mind numbing (like watching TV) to get me to even take the babiest of all baby steps in believing in myself. I have even often wondered if that was the reason that God had chosen me not to have a child yet...because deep inside I didn't believe in my ability to be a good mother.
Louisa May Alcott once wrote, "Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." Today, I am going to believe in myself. I am going to bound out of bed and greet the day and know that I can make it through. I am going to look towards the sunshine (regardless if it is actually out in the sky) and remember what my goal is with this journey. And I am going to believe in myself because I believe in this journey.
So, as I venture out into the world today I just have one more thing to say: "BRING IT ON!"
And why is Monday the worst day of the week? Except for the obvious reason, (two days of enjoying the weekend, then comes back-to-work Monday), Tuesday is very similar to Monday, except it's day 2 after the weekend. The big problem with Tuesday is that it's still too far from Friday. So I observe that Tuesday is the second worst day of the week. Now in my old job, (before I retired), Wednesday was always payday, (The Eagle Shits Day). Also you just knew that you were now half way through the week. So that makes Wednesday a pretty good day. Okay, Thursday means the week is nearing completion; only one more day to go; not a bad day at all. Now that leaves Friday. Should I say any more? Yep, that Monday is the worse.
ReplyDeleteI think that I have alwasy believed as you are, even though it's a Monday, I drag myself out of bed, pull my socks up, get going, and move toward the sunshine. Hey, the week can only get better.