It's amazing that I have made it the two full weeks! There have been challenges along the way and times I was ready to give up, but I have made it! Now...just to get through the other 351 days and we'll be good. I've begun to realize just how hard this challenge is; not just by means of digging deep and finding the tasks that I need to work on but also really being attentive to them.
Today's task is one that I have been thinking about doing for a long time but didn't know if I was ready to address. Today seemed like a good day to start. Today's task is resentment.
Throughout my entire life I can honestly say that I have held grudges. I have been resentful of the fact that throughout a large portion of my grade school and high school years I was made fun of by other kids. I was called names, looked down the nose at, and I had a hard time making friends. I never fully had a "best friend" in school. You know...the kind that sticks around no matter what happened. The kind that you'd be willing to get in trouble with. I was forced into being a follower as opposed to a leaders roll. While now I try to take leadership rolls more frequently, I still hold resentment for what I went through. Even more so now I see that my resentment and problem with holding grudges still holds true to relationships now.
When someone burns me emotionally or in a way that makes me feel berated, I tend to hold on to that feeling for a long time. Even in my marital relationship I see that I hold a resentment to my husband for various things. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than anything, but I tend to get upset and angry for things he does over and over again that I feel are things that wrong me. It may be as stupid and simple of a thing as taking my pillows every night so that I end up waking up with a headache each morning, or his taking over the bed and jabbing me in the stomach or back to where I wake with a stomach ache or a horrible backache. (Trust me, I am laughing about it right now but it wasn't so funny when I got out of bed and felt sick to my stomach this morning.) Getting a bigger bed isn't the answer. Addressing the issue with him is. I realize this as I say it now. Rather than addressing the issue with him though, I tend to get angry. Or at night I take back my pillow, etc. and whack him good with one of his. Rage. I don't have road rage, I have bed rage!
Where did all this anger come from? Resentment. I am not resentful that he gets the bed and the covers or jabs me all night long. No, I am resentful about other things that have nothing to do with my pillows. Without airing my dirty laundry list or being specific, I have realized that I am holding on to things of the past. Minuscule things that I should have let go of along time ago. Things nonetheless that I keep holding on to. Letting go...there it is again. It seems to me that this letting go will pop up often in my journey as its probably what impedes me from moving forward sometimes.
Today I need to work on addressing the issues of resentment I have towards others, whether it be my husband, a sibling, co-workers, acquaintances, whoever. Only once I address the issue can I bring my resentment to the table and let it go. And the more I realize it, the more I find that it starts with me. What am I upset with myself about that I have held on too long to? How can I let go of the resentment I have against something I have done or wished I would have done in my life? Why am I still holding on to it? How does holding on to it benefit me?
Maybe as I begin letting go, I won't wake in the mornings with heartburn or a stomach ache. And maybe...just maybe, my husband won't have to suffer the wrath of a pillow attack late at night. Well....one out of the two isn't bad!
Wow, this is great. I can see myself in a lot of what you are saying. Not as Jeff is with you, but as Dawn being like Jeff, especially at night. Now you know that Dawn will completely deny every word that I have to say about this.
ReplyDeleteWe really do much better when sleeping in a king-size bed, but all we have room for in our home is a queen size. I am the one getting poked and probed all night. Most of the time, Dawn is just snuggling or trying to get warm. But then here comes that knee up, I scream in the middle of the night, she doesn't even hear me, I cry for awhile, then sleep. In the morning when I say something, she says that I'm nuts. My granddaughters wanted to sleep with us once, and I said, "You won't like sleeping with Grandma, since she tends to beat people up and roll over on them". They didn't ask again. If it had just been me, I sleep in the same spot all night, if I move at all, I simply flip over, and I don't take the sheets with me when I roll. Now there could be a little gaseousness problem and some loud snoring by Grandpa, .......sorry.....too much information???
But here has been my solution to all this; I have realized that since I truly love my wife, that it doesn't matter what I have to put up with, her loud snoring is like music to my ears. Why? Because that snoring means that she is laying right here beside me. That is my proof that she is still next to me, (like I said, she will deny this whole writing). So in reality, the beating I take all night long is very comforting knowing that she is still alive and didn't die in her sleep. And I also have to face the fact that I'm not perfect either for her. Once I had a nightmare and came up swinging, and was relieved that I did miss her with my elbow, or that could have been very serious. Also, my snoring can probably, (I wouldn't know, I'm sleeping when I snore), beat hers by 10+ decibels or more.
What the hell am I trying to say here? I don't know, I guess it's that my marriage is good because we deal with the snoring, etc. without just getting different bedrooms. That would not be an option for us.
Yeah...I just used Jeff as an example...not as the end all and be all of all my resentment issues. I agree that I snore too. Alhtough probably not as loud as his! But the resentment I have is due I believe in part to alot of issues that I have held on to, unrelated even to Jeff and I sometimes that then come out in anger towards him. I do have resentment issues with other people. Jeff just lets me out mine (about him) in this blog..as long as I am kind! (And humorous...)
ReplyDeleteLike I've said before, this blog is really a great tool. It's like having therapy, but no charge. Where else can we lovingly voice our resentments at one another, or even just using one another as a punching bag. Communication is the key to all relationships, and talking about the tough one's are usually hard to do. By making use of this blog, we can protect ourselves behind our writings without having to confront anyone face to face. Then we can go hide until the other person has read it. And sometimes, that is only the beginning of the discussion. But discussion is very necessary.
ReplyDeleteDaaaaaaave? Are you hiding from Dawn? If you loved this one, you are really going to love Day 16 then.
ReplyDeleteOh, oh!?
ReplyDelete