Day 25: Dealing with Death

As I typed the title for today's blog I began to laugh. Not because I think that death is funny...I think just the opposite...but rather because between yesterday talking about getting rid of things in my life and then today talking about death, someone might think I was having suicidal ideations. Do not fret...I am of as healthy of a mind as I normally am. (Assuming that I am any part normal!) Anyways, today's task of dealing with death will be covered twofold: both in the loss of people close to us and also in dying to our old selves. Today I will deal with dealing with death of people and tomorrow I will talk about dying to our old selves.

Death is something I have always had an issue with. The first death I can remember well was the death of my Grandpa Clem when I was 6 years old. There were others who died before I turned 6, but my relationship with my maternal grandparents was much stronger. Sometimes I think I remember it well because I was there at my Grandparents home when he passed away in 1979. The memory is so vivid in my memory I can still tell you what I was wearing that night. While some might say that I remember it because of the trauma I experienced, I feel that I remember it so that I can hold on to the last memories of my Grandfather that I have. I have other memories, but I want to remember him and not forget him so those vivid images come to my mind first and foremost.

I've lost plenty of friends....some to tragic accidents, others to illness or old age. But what sparks my dilemma with death? Why do I hate the thought of it so much, whether its my impending death someday or the thought that others will die? CHANGE. No matter how I look at it, the reason why I hate death so much is because that events invokes change in our lives. When someone passes away in your life, things change around you; how you function for those first few days they are gone, the thoughts of living without them, and even your weekly or daily routine. And for many, there is a feeling of being alone. Maybe the person was someone you confided in, trusted, or even considered your best friend. Just the pure thought of seeing them would put a smile on your heart or your face. Regardless, with them gone physically in your life, it sometimes feels hard to smile or find that smiling feeling.

What we need to remember is something that a friend, who has since passed, shared with me. She told me that our lives are like that of the butterfly, at some point we must all die to our old selves so that we can get wings and soar. (So true is that statement that I will probably use it again in tomorrow's task). It's okay to grieve...it's natural..it's human. But we need to remember its important that change happens in our lives. If we avoid change we are avoiding growth; both for ourselves and the person who has passed away. If you trust that there is an afterlife, wherever it might be, then you have to believe that this is a new stage of growth and change for the person who has passed. I'd hate to think that I am impeding someone from growing...or from getting their "wings." Letting them grow doesn't mean that we have to let them go. Rather, we can hold on to those vivid memories as long as we aren't holding on so hard that we continue to grieve physically for 30 plus years as that won't let them grow either.

On a trip a few months back down to the Motherhouse of the Poor Handmaids of Jesus Christ, where I use to be a nun, I sat on a bench on one of the floors and looked down the softly lit hall. There, (in my minds eye), I saw all the Sisters who I had known who had passed away over the years, in silence, walking down that hallway going to and fro. Each one paused for a moment to smile at me, nod their head, and go on their way. They were happy. And it was time for me to be happy for them too.

It's okay to grieve, and to be sad. But we have to move beyond the fear and hatred of death. We need to allow change to happen. This is where I start today.